(My cable company has been offering to replace outdated external tuners, free of charge, for our customers who possess a newer generation of TVs. Not everyone does, however. They usually get mad because their TVs are not up to standards. This customer has an antiquated CRT TV.)

Me: “Ma’am, your TV does not support this new technology. I’m sorry.”

(I bring up my tablet and flag her as ‘incapable of supporting.’)

Customer: “But you didn’t even look behind the TV. How can you know right from the door?”

Me: “Because TVs with cathode ray tubes do not have the tuner and the access port I need to insert this module.”

Customer: “But the TV is new. I bought it six months ago. Your message said that TVs bought three years ago or sooner have this.”

Me: “No, ma’am. It says models no older than three years. It also says that those TVs have to be LCD, plasma or LED. Not CRT. This TV just does not have the hardware.”

Customer: “Well, you’re a rude young man. I bet that you are just lazy. You want to finish work sooner, and go home and play those horrible video games.”

(Losing patience, I show her how the module looks.)

Me: “If I could replace your external tuner with this, I would.”

(The customer snatches the module out from my hand and goes to the TV.)

Customer: “I will show you that you can. You’ll see, you rude boy.”

(She proceeds to try to shove the CA Module into every single hole in her TV casing that it has. She screams in triumph and looks at me.)

Customer: “There! See, it fits.”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a cooling hole…”

(We’re selling our old pushchair. It was a gift and not really suitable. Despite it being pretty new and in excellent condition we are selling it for a fraction of the cost. We get a buyer and arrange a date to collect. The buyer and her young child knocks on the door.)

Buyer: “Hi. I’m here for the pushchair.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, great. Well as you can see, it is as-new. We must have only used it a few times.”

Buyer: “Yeah. It looks great. But, I haven’t brought enough money with me.”

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry, but we did agree on a price. It is already half that you would pay in the shops.”

(The buyer turns to her child, and exclaims very dramatically.)

Buyer: “Oh, no, baby! You won’t be able to have a nice new pushchair now. You were so looking forward to it as well!”

(At this point I go to the door. I can see that the woman has intentionally upset her little boy, to try and make us feel sorry for him.)

Me: “Look. We agreed on the price and we are not going any lower. You can either go get some cash out, or clear off. This is a bargain. We have lots of other people interested.”

(The buyer stands there for a moment. I shut the door. Surprisingly, a few seconds later, she is standing there with the money ‘she found in her car.’ It was the exact amount.)

(A man and his four children are in the booth next to my family. I am four years old and am sitting next to my younger brothers. We are all quietly coloring at the table. The children at the next booth are climbing on top of the booth and playing with my father’s hat, throwing food, and running around the entire restaurant.)

Waiter: “Sir, your children are bothering other customers. They need to calm down, or you will have to leave.”

Other Dad: “They’re fine. They’re just running off some energy.”

(The waiter is called away to another table. The kids begin raising another ruckus. They are just getting to an unbearable level when a carrot lands on our table.)

Me: *sets crayon down* “Daddy, may I get up?”

My Dad: “Um, okay…”

(I march to the next table and assume an assertive stance with fists on hips.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir. You really need to learn how to control your children.”

(I get back in my seat and resume coloring. The other dad turns bright red. He gathers his kids and hurries out of the restaurant just as their food arrives. Later, my parents ask for the check.)

Waiter: “Actually, sir, even if this meal wasn’t on the house, almost every other customer asked to cover your check for you.”

(Twenty years later, my mom still calls this her proudest parenting moment. We even got a $50 gift certificate out of it!)

Related:
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 7
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 6
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 5
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 4
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 3

(I text my boyfriend at work.)

Me: “If I were to make brownies, would you want to come over for sex?”

(After a long delay.)

Boyfriend: “I read that aloud just now and [Coworker] almost peed his pants.”

Me: “So… Yes?”

(My husband is re-entering the bedroom just after I’d turned out the lights. He stops in the doorway.)

Husband: “It’s dark! I can’t find the bed.”

Me: “It’s in the same place it was a few minutes ago. The same place it’s always been.”

Husband: *pausing, sleepy* “Are you sure there wasn’t an earthquake… or an interior decorator?”