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Death Of A Sale

| CA, USA | Working | December 23, 2013

(A salesperson has knocked on my door. After his pitch, this exchange happens:)

Sales Guy: “So can I put you down for a consultation.”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Sales Guy: “Okay, but you could be saving a lot of money.”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Sales Guy: “Can I ask you why not?”

Me: “Because I have two sleeping children, a sign that says ‘No Solicitation,’ and you rang my door bell.”

Sales Guy: “Uh… Have a nice day…”

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Unhappy Holidays

| Related | December 23, 2013

Deadpan Family Holiday Card

The Borg Are On A Christmas Diet

| Scotts Mills, OR, USA | Related | December 23, 2013

(It is Christmas Eve, and we open presents early because my grandmother doesn’t want to wait. My cousin’s six-year-old daughter is trying on a helmet mask that her little brother got. It modifies the wearer’s voice so that they sound like a robot.)

Me: “Hey, [cousin’s daughter]! Say, ‘You will be assimilated!.'”

Cousin’s Daughter: “You will be my salad!”

Now Try Explaining A Floppy Disk

, , , | Preston, England, UK | Related | December 23, 2013

(My sister and her children have come to visit for Christmas. I’ve put my 21-year-old son in charge of keeping my eight-year-old nephew entertained. Luckily, they both like computers, so most of their conversations revolve around those subjects. My nephew is talking to my son about the ‘Raspberry Pi’ computer, which is a credit-card sized home-made computer used to promote computer-science in schools.)

Nephew: “[Son’s name], what does a Raspberry Pi actually do?”

Son: “Well, it contains the processor and memory and all the chips needed to compute on. Then you plug in a monitor and keyboard, so you can see what you’re doing and interact with it.”

Nephew: “You have to plug a monitor in? What does the Raspberry Pi do then?”

Son: “Well, the monitor doesn’t actually do anything except show the commands the computer tells it to, the Raspberry Pi does everything; the monitor just shows you it.”

Nephew: “I don’t get it.”

Son: “Okay, you know on your computer at home, how you’ve got a keyboard, and mouse, and screen, and a big box they’re all plugged into?”

Nephew: “No?”

Sister: “Our computer is all built into the monitor.”

Son: “…huh. How about at school?”

Sister: “I’m pretty sure it’s the same there.”

Son: “D***… and you used to have a Mac, so that was all built into the monitor, too.”

(My nephew is looking more and more bewildered by the conversation.)

Son: “I know! [Nephew], you remember when you were at ours, and you were playing on my computer, and it had that big box attached to it?”

Nephew: *confused*

Son: “Y’know, the big black humming thing that glowed blue?”

Nephew: *slowly shakes head*

Son: “Oh, God… I’m trying to explain defunct technology to a younger generation. I feel so old. Now I know how dad felt trying to explain what a telegram was…”

You Would Not Be-Leaf The 2nd Gift

| FL, USA | Related | December 23, 2013

(It is Christmas, and I’m opening presents.)

Dad: “Open that one next, sweetie.”

(He points to a box, which I open. Inside is one of those obnoxious singing and dancing robot Christmas trees. I’m a bit shocked and dismayed, as I had pointed out how much I hate these things when we went shopping the week before Christmas.)

Me: “Uh, weren’t you listening when I said I thought these were the most annoying things ever?”

Dad: “I know, I know. But… open that one next.”

(This time he points to a long, heavy package. I eye him suspiciously, but open it up to reveal a sledgehammer.)

Me: “What the? Is this for what I think it’s for?”

Dad: “And you thought I wasn’t paying attention!”

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