(I work in a small town gas station where you can pump your fuel before you pay. A little old lady—who is probably in her 80s—comes in to pay for fuel.)

Old Lady: “I guess you want my money, right?”

Me: *smiling* “I’d hate to call the cops on you.”

Old Lady: “But it would spice up my day!”

Coworker: “You should let them pursue you!”

Old Lady: “Are there any cute ones on duty?”

Me: “Sherman?”

Coworker: “Eh. But he looks about 12.”

Old Lady: “But you find them young to raise them how you want!”

(I am in the fitting rooms. An older customer is waiting for his grand-daughter to try on some clothes.)

Customer: “Been working long?”

Me: “No, I only do eight hours a week because of college.”

Customer: “Huh. Eight hours! I used to go to college six hours a day, and then work for 48 hours! Kids these days are lazy.”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “And you know what wage I was on! £1! That’s right. You kids have your ‘minimum wage’ and your ‘rights.’ I got £1 for 48 hours and some weeks, I wouldn’t even get paid if I didn’t do my job well!”

Me: “Oh…”

Customer: “So, going anywhere nice this summer?”

Me: “I’m going to Spain in July.”

Customer: “You know some people go on holiday and just go from the hotel to the beach and back again. That’s not a holiday! You should be out exploring! Is that what you do?”

Me: “Not usually. Usually I go looking at castles and other historical places. But this time I’m going with friends, sort of a last holiday before we all separate for University. So we’ll mostly be on the beach.”

Customer: “LAZY! THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE! ALL YOU DO IS STAND HERE IN THE FITTING ROOM, GABBING OFF, AND THEN YOU GO ON TONS OF HOLIDAYS A YEAR AND LIE ON BEACHES! SOME OF US WORK FOR A LIVING! IF YOU GOT UP OFF YOUíRE A*** AND GOT A JOB, YOU’D SEE YOU CAN’T JUST SIT AROUND ALL DAY!”

(A young mom with a five- or six-year-old girl approach my register.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Mom: “I’m fine, thanks.”

Girl: “I’m scared!”

Me: *to girl* “What are you scared of?”

Girl: “You!”

Me: “Me?”

(Her mom and I look at each other, giggling a bit.)

Me: “Would I be less scary if I gave you a sticker?”

Girl: “No.”

Me: “Would you like a sticker anyway?”

Girl: “Okay.”

(I finish up the transaction, and they walk towards the exit.)

Me: “Thanks! Bye, scaredy-cat!”

Girl: “Bye, strange lady!”

(She was so cute; I’m still giggling.)

(I work in a gift shop in a zoo. We have a drive-around area, and all guests are given a map on the way in.)

Guest: “Hi, I was wondering if you could help.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Guest: *pointing to the map* “Is this bit all in your car?”

Me: “Yup, you have to drive round that bit and stay in your vehicle.”

Guest: “So this bit is on foot?”

Me: “Yes.”

Guest: “Do you have to stick to the path or can you walk anywhere in this bit?”

Me: “I would advise sticking to the path, as the polar bears have access to all this area, and the tigers have access to all that area.”

Guest: “Oh… that was a really stupid question, wasn’t it?”

This story is part of our Polar Bear roundup!

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(I’m picking up my daughter from nursery, and overhear a conversation with one of the other parents and a member of staff.)

Parent: “Tell her what mommy is going to do tonight.”

Two-Year-Old: “Mummy is going to the bar and getting pissed!”

Staff: “Err…”

Parent: “Isn’t it funny?!”

This story is part of our Kindergarten roundup!

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