(The owner of the pet store I work at calls me into his office to listen to a recorded call.)

Owner: “Are my employees idiotic?”

Me: “Uh… what?”

(The owner presses a button on computer and a recording starts.)

Coworker: “Its a wonderful day at [Pet Store]. My name is [Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My dog has cancer. Do you guys recommend any special type of food?”

Coworker: “OH MY GOD! WE HAVE THE CUTEST DOGS!”

Customer: “My dog has cancer, you f***** a**-hole.”

Coworker: “…oh.”

(The owner stops the recording and looks at me.)

Me: “That wasn’t me. I don’t even answer phones! I stay locked up in the kennel, away from humans!”

Owner: “I know. You hear all the gossip they sprout when they’re back there. Are my floor people idiotic?”

Me: “… yes.”

(I work for an animal charity. I am out in the local community promoting responsible dog ownership.)

Me: “So is your dog neutered then?”

Customer: “Sorry?”

Me: “Sorry, madam. Is your dog neutered?”

(The customer stares blankly.)

Colleague: “Madam, has your dog been castrated?”

(The customer continues to stare blankly.)

Me: “Has he been ‘done’?”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. He did have an operation on his ears a few weeks ago…”

(It’s about 7 am, a few weeks before Christmas. My sister, who normally doesn’t wake up until 9 am, has been called into her retail job early. She’s still a little tired and very annoyed.)

Sister: “I hate Christmas so much. I want to shoot whoever invented the idea.”

Dad: “Well, they crucified him…”

(My husband and I are on our way home after participating in a race where people throw colored dye at participants. We are wearing shirts with the event name across the front.)

Me: “My shirt is completely covered in color! You can’t even see the words anymore. It’s like it says ‘run, blotchy thing, dye.'”

Husband: “I like to play with those blotchy things.”

Me: “Did you really just refer to my boobs as ‘blotchy things?'”

Husband: “That wasn’t a very good idea was it?”

Me: “No…”

(I’m a third grade teacher.)

Student: “Miss, do you think Santa Claus is real?

Me: “I don’t know, honey. What do you think?”

Student: “I asked you to think first!”