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Using Her Outside Voice

, | USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

(It is very early in the morning, and most of our customers are elderly folks coming in to drink coffee and socialize. A very sweet older customer comes to my register.)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am! How are you today?”

Customer: “My aren’t you chipper in the morning! I’m doing pretty good this morning dear; how are you today?”

Me: “I’m just great; thank you for asking. How can I help you this morning, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well I’m not too hungry just yet, so I think I will just have one small coffee for now.”

(I ring her in, and tell her the total. She begins slowly taking coins out of her purse, so I turn to make her coffee. I can hear her mumbling to herself. I assume she is counting, until I return with her coffee only to catch the tail end of a string of obscenities.)

Customer: “D*** f****** dime! Where the f****** h*** is a penny! Stupid little b******!”

(I am dumbstruck as the sweet little lady continues to mumble to herself while counting out her change. Finally, she finishes counting and she notices the look on my face.)

Customer: “Oh my, I wasn’t speaking out loud again, was I?”

(I nod slowly.)

Customer: “Oh, goodness! I’m sorry you had to hear that! I wasn’t saying anything bad about you; you’re such a sweet girl. It’s just I’m so d*** old and I can’t f****** see. It’s just so frustrating! Well, have a great morning dear!”

Clever And Original

Extras

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He Must Be Baked

| NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(I am with my family at a Chinese restaurant. My father has kept the waitress at our table for at least five minutes, trying to order what he wants. He is mostly speaking about the food itself, and then moving on. He finally thinks of something he wants.)

Father: “Oh. I’ll have the salty fried pork with pepper. Do you have that?”

Waitress: “No, but we have similar.”

(My brother slides the menu to our father, and points at the baked salted pork.)

Waitress: “You’ll have that?”

Brother: “Yes, he will.”

Father: “Wait, so not peppered?”

Waitress: “No pepper.”

Father: “Oh, okay, so it’s salty fried pork. I’ll have that.”

Waitress: “It’s salted baked pork.”

Father: “Yes, yes, I understand, but it’s fried right?”

Waitress: “Baked.”

Father: “Fried?”

Waitress: “Baked.”

Father: “Fried?”

Waitress: “Baked.”

Father: “Fried?”

Waitress: “Baked.”

Father: “Fried?”

Waitress: “Yes.”