Archive for 2013

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Turns Men Into Mewling Quims

| MI, USA | Romantic | October 9, 2013

(I’ve been on a kick watching ‘Thor’ and ‘The Avengers’ over and over again.)

Boyfriend: “Do you have a Loki fetish?”

Me: “No!”

(Actually, I do. I decide to change my phones wallpaper to one of Loki. I show this to the boyfriend.)

Boyfriend: “What? You do have a Loki fetish!”

Me: “No, but he is younger than you.”

Boyfriend: “So you do!”

Me: “I wouldn’t leave you for him.”

Boyfriend: “H***, I’d leave you for him! He has more money than me.”

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 8

| Irvine, CA, USA | Romantic | October 9, 2013

(My girlfriend lives in an apartment with five other girls, and I have to fart. I go outside to be polite, and she comes outside to see what I’m doing.)

Me: “Babe, don’t come over here. I think I just melted a hole in my underwear with a fart.”

Girlfriend: “That’s okay. I think I just sharted.”

Related:
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 7
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 6
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 5
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 4
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 3
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 2
Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air

Put You In A School Daze

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Romantic | October 9, 2013

(While at work, I begin chatting with a customer who looks around my age. She leaves, then comes back ten minutes later with her number on a piece of paper, and tells me to text her. After some texted conversation, the subject of work comes up.)

Me: “Well, you know what I do for a living. How about you?”

Her: “I’m in school.”

Me: “Cool. What college?”

Her: “High school.”

(I don’t respond for a long time, because best-case scenario, she’s at the beginning of her senior year. I know that I look much younger than I am; she must have assumed I was still in high school, too.)

Me: “Not to be rude at all, but how old are you?”

Her: “I’m 16. Why, what about you?”

Me: “21. So…”

(She understands immediately, and spends half an hour apologizing and assuring me I could totally also look my actual age. Then we both summarily delete each other’s numbers.)

Definition Of Study

| Learning | October 9, 2013

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Anger Management Versus Desk Management

| MO, USA | Learning | October 9, 2013

(I am six years old, and my mom comes to pick me up early from school.)

Office On Intercom: “Ms. [Teacher’s Name], can you send [My Name] to the office? Her mother is here to pick her up.”

Teacher: “Okay.” *to me* “Go ahead.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I start gathering materials for homework, and getting everything organized as I am an extremely organized person. I am not making a lot of noise or disrupting the class in any way.)

Teacher: “Hurry up!”

Me: “Okay, I’m just putting everything in the right place.”

Teacher: *yelling* “That doesn’t matter! Just get your things together and get out of my class!”

Me: “Okay, okay, I’m almost finished.”

(The teacher runs over to me, grabs my arm, and screams at me.)

Teacher: “You disrespectful little—”

(The teacher raises her hand to hit me, but at that moment, my mom steps into the room. She decided to walk to my classroom since it was on our way out of the school anyway. She has seen the entire exchange.)

Mom: “EXCUSE ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY DAUGHTER?!”

Teacher: “Um… uh… uh…”

Mom: “We will take this to the principal! Come on, sweetheart. Let’s go!”

(When we talk to the principal, the teacher loses her job for the incident, and many others like it in the past.)

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