(My family goes to a restaurant that labels itself as Asian cuisine. We step inside the restaurant and are greeted by the only worker out front, and a completely empty restaurant. He hands us some menus and I thank him kindly while we look it over.)

Older Sister: *snotty tone* “I don’t eat Asian food.”

Me: “What do you mean you don’t eat Asian food?”

Older Sister: “I don’t eat Asian food. I have NEVER eaten Asian food! I DON’T EAT ASIAN FOOD!”

(I am thoroughly mortified, as the man who gave us the menus is giving us looks between annoyance and bewilderment as my sister loudly proclaims she has never eaten Asian food. She huffs and shakes her head and crosses her arms whenever we try to get her to be quieter and just look at the menu.)

Me: “That’s enough! Please will you just look at the menu and see if you might find something you’ll like?

Older Sister: *scoffs* “Whatever, I know I won’t find anything I like!” *finally looking at the menu* “Ooh! General Tso’s! I LOVE General Tso’s chicken! I’ll have that!”

Me: “How can you say things like that? You love Chinese food! I know for a fact you’ve eaten plenty of Chinese food!”

Older Sister: “I’ve never heard of ‘Asian Cuisine;’ I thought it was some weird crap! They should have put that they have Chinese food too!”

Me: “You do know China is a part of Asia right?”

Older Sister: “No! I didn’t know that! I thought China was an island!”

This story was included in our Chinese Restaurant Roundup.

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(My new-ish boyfriend has come on holiday with parents and I. My dad isn’t a huge joker, but is trying.)

Me: *to my dad, about my boyfriend* “Isn’t he lovely?”

Dad: “Well, I wouldn’t say no…”

Me: “Dad! What?!”

Boyfriend: “Well, he’s right. I am lovely.”

(The company I work for is a group of small shops located in host department stores. Managers are paid about $2 more than minimum wage. A regional manager has been transferred to my region and I am giving him a tour of the stores by car. While driving he asks me to critique the store managers in the region.)

Me: “…Then there is the Elston store. The manager there has been with us for five years and she is great. Too bad that she will be leaving in June.”

Manager: “If she is that good, why would we let her go?”

Me: “She graduates from a four-year college degree in June.”

Manager: “So? We like college graduates to work for us.”

Me: “It is not us; she will be quitting.”

Manager: “But why would she quit now after working for us for five years?”

Me: “Because she is graduating from college.”

Manager: “I am still not getting it.”

Me: *exasperated* “She did not work for us during the day so that she could spend four years going to college at night, and take out student loans to pay for college thereby going deep into debt, just so that she could stick with a job with no advancement path that pays barely more than minimum wage.”

Manager: “I am still not getting it.”

Me: “Okay, let me ask you this. You told me your daughter is also graduating this year. So when the Elston shop opens up she will be able to take over as manager, right?”

Manager: “Are you serious? We sent my daughter to college to have a bright future, not to work in a dead-end job.”

Me: “Exactly, do you get it now?”

Manager: “No!”

(I’m working the drive thru.)

Me: “Hi there, please place your order when you’re ready, thanks.”

Customer: “Hi, could I get a [popular burger combo] with extra extra extra mayo, please?”

Me: “Sure, that was [burger] with add mayo?”

Customer: “Can you add more than that?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sure, I’ll add extra extra mayo. That’s [total], drive on up.”

(When the customer gets to the window, I pack up her order, and laugh. They’d written ‘+mayo +mayo +mayo’ all over the burger wrap.)

Me: “Here you go, miss, with extra extra extra mayo.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *opens up the bag, and laughs* “Or, should I say, thank you, thank you, thank you?”

(A guest has been making snide comments about everything from the biscuits and gravy at breakfast to the TV channel that was on in the breakfast room. He has also been calling me (a 31-year-old woman) ‘sweetie,’ ‘honey’ and ‘darling’ mockingly for about 20 minutes. He sees my Kindle out on the desk and, of course, has to comment.)

Guest: “So honey, what are you reading? Twilight?” *laughs*

Me: *putting so much sugar in my voice I want to gag* “No, actually it’s a book by a nationally known but still local author called Monster Of God. It examines the cultural, ecological and economic impacts of alpha predators in areas that allow them to come in to contact and conflict with humans.” *sweet smile*

Guest: “Oh… okay. Have a nice day.”