Me: “[Doctor’s office]. How may I help you?”

Patient: “I need an appointment for tomorrow.”

Me: “How about 10:20?”

Patient: “20 minutes until 11:00?”

Me: “No. 10:20.”

Patient: *condescendingly* “Isn’t 10:20 just 20 minutes until 11:00?”

Me: “No. That would be 10:40.”

Patient: “How many minutes until eleven is 10:20?”

Me: “40.”

Patient: “So my appointment is at 10:40?”

Me: “No. It’s 10:20.”

Patient: “Okay. See you at 10:40.”

(My store serves a variety of health-drinks. Some of these are concentrated and fairly potent, so we serve them in the form of a ‘shot,’ although they don’t contain any alcohol. A customer comes in with two rowdy young children and orders one of our shots. Her kids are running around and shouting in the background.)

Customer: “I’m taking them back-to-school shopping today, and—STOP FIGHTING, JUST STOP—sorry.”

Coworker: “Here’s your shot ma’am!”

Customer: “Alright kids. Mommy’s going to take her shot now! At 10:30 in the morning! What am I doing with my life? At least it’s just wheatgrass…”

(I’m working the drive thru.)

Me: “Hi there, please place your order when you’re ready, thanks.”

Customer: “Hi, could I get a [popular burger combo] with extra extra extra mayo, please?”

Me: “Sure, that was [burger] with add mayo?”

Customer: “Can you add more than that?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Sure, I’ll add extra extra mayo. That’s [total], drive on up.”

(When the customer gets to the window, I pack up her order, and laugh. They’d written ‘+mayo +mayo +mayo’ all over the burger wrap.)

Me: “Here you go, miss, with extra extra extra mayo.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *opens up the bag, and laughs* “Or, should I say, thank you, thank you, thank you?”

(I’m at a podium on a busy weekend afternoon tearing tickets. A customer comes back to the podium.)

Customer: “I’d like my ticket back.”

Me: “The ticket stub I gave you when you passed through is actually all you need.”

Customer: “No, I need the other half back. I want to get a refund.”

Me: “You actually don’t need the other half to do that. You can just go back up to box office with what you have and get a refund.”

Customer: “I don’t see why it’s so hard for you to just give it back to me. I was here just a minute ago. Give it to me now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be able to find your ticket. Dozens of other people have passed through behind you.”

Customer: “Why won’t you just give me the other half of my ticket? It can’t be that hard. I want it back!”

(I don’t know what to say at this point, so I open the drawer full of hundreds of torn tickets and look back up at her.)

Customer: “Oh…”

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PS: winners will be announced the first Wednesday of every month. Next free t-shirt gift certificate: Wednesday, October 2!