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Shouldn’t Bat A Drooping Eyelid

| RI, USA | Learning | December 24, 2013

(My 11th grade US history teacher has a habit of carrying around a yellow plastic ball bat as he taught his class. Sometimes he twirls it like a baton, but mostly he just uses it as a pointer to call on us. On the first day of school one of the kids in the class raises his hand and points at it.)

Student: “Sir, what’s up with the bat?”

Teacher: “Oh, nothing special. Just something I like to carry with me. Comes in handy every now and then.”

Student: *puzzled* “Handy for what?”

Teacher: “Never mind, for now.”

(About three months later, the same student is falling asleep in class, despite the kids next to him trying to get him to stay awake. After waiting a few minutes, when the student is really out, our teacher quietly walks up the kid’s desk. He raises the bat and slams it down on the edge of the desk, creating a truly deafening slap.)

Student: *jumps in his seat* “GAH! Hey, man!”

(The teacher wiggles the bat. We notice that it has a few dents in it, most likely from previous swings.)

Teacher: “It comes in handy for that. Now. Where were we?”

If The Shoe Fits

| CA, USA | Learning | December 24, 2013

(I’m in organic chemistry. We’re working in the lab, which is on the third floor. Suddenly, the fire alarm goes off. We all have to clear the building and stand in the parking lot. Keep in mind that we all are still wearing lab coats, goggles, and gloves. As we’re standing there, students from other classes eye us suspiciously.)

Student: “What did you guys do?!”

Classmate: “I took off my shoe and the smell was so bad that it triggered the alarm.”

(Oddly, the classmate’s shoe had fallen off at the exact same moment that the alarm went off. He had to leave it in the lab until the fire alarm was over. Maybe it really did set the alarm off!)

It’s A Fat Book

| USA | Learning | December 24, 2013

(We are reading “The Great Gatsby” in English. We are discussing Myrtle from chapter two. We spent the last half hour coming to the conclusion that Myrtle was a fat prostitute.)

Teacher: “Can anyone tell me why Myrtle Wilson appears in chapter two instead of being introduced in chapter one?”

Student: “Because she was too fat to fit in the first chapter.”

Teacher: “That answer was so bad that I’m taking away points for that one.”

Making The Teacher Get The Picture

| Learning | December 24, 2013

Dog-Gone Cruelty Will Make Your Dogs Gone

| IA, USA | Right | December 23, 2013

(I work at a shelter, mostly doing paperwork. To drop off an animal with us there is a $20 surrender fee. This information is posted right on the door. People often try to get around the fee. They will either tie animals to the front door, leave them in a box, or take them around back and drop them over the five-foot high fence surrounding the exercise yard. One morning a member of staff finds two fluffy toy breeds wandering around the yard. One is limping, presumably from the drop. Any stray not claimed in two weeks is spayed/neutered, health checked, given shots, then placed up for adoption. These two are not claimed and are quickly adopted into new homes. Five weeks after they have been dropped off…)

Customer: “I’m here to pick up my dogs.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Can you tell me, what is the name on your application papers?”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t fill any of those out last time I was here. I was in too big of a hurry. Just tell me what the cost is so I can get my dogs and go home.”

Me: “Okay. Why don’t you go to the back and look at the dogs. I’ll get the paperwork started then?”

(In a few minutes, the customer comes storming back.)

Customer: “WHERE ARE MY DOGS?! What kind of boarding kennel is this, giving away my dogs?”

Me: “I’m not understanding you, ma’am. What do you mean?”

Customer: “The lady back there said my dogs aren’t here. I dropped off two [toy breed] dogs five weeks ago when I went on vacation and now they are gone. Where are they?”

(A light clicks. I realize she is talking about the two abandoned toy breeds that were found in our yard. I try to explain that we are not a boarding kennel, what happened to them, and that they had been given new homes. The customer does not want to listen to anything I have to say. After screaming obscenities at me for a good ten minutes, she turns and leaves. She returns later with a police officer in tow.)

Customer: “Her, there behind the desk. I dropped my dogs off here at the boarding kennel. They made my dogs useless by fixing them and then sold them. I demand that you arrest her for damage of property and theft! This is the worst boarding kennel I have ever seen.”

Me: “Ma’am, again, this is not a boarding kennel. We—”

Customer: “Shut it. I don’t want to hear it, you stupid b****!”

Me: “If you will excuse us for one minute, we will see what we can do.”

(Motioning to the officer, I manage to get him alone in the back office. I show him the video feed of the two dogs being dropped over the fence. I make him a quick copy of the video and send him off with it. We return to the front.)

Officer: “Ma’am, will you come with me down to the station, please?”

(The customer smirks at me until the officer takes her by the arm and leads her to the back of his car.)

Customer: “What are you doing? I want my dogs back! Arrest her, not me!”

(They drive off. Later I found out that she was charged with animal cruelty for dropping them over the fence and letting them get hurt when she did, animal neglect for simply dropping them off and not making sure they would be cared for, and two counts of contempt of court for yelling at and spitting on the judge for siding with ‘that d*** boarding kennel.’)

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