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You’re His Number Two Priority

| FL, USA | Romantic | October 11, 2013

(I am texting my long-distance boyfriend.)

Me: “Hey, handsome.”

Boyfriend: “Hello, beautiful. Is releasing a poo. Calling you very soon.”

This Should Be Easy, Or Sew It Seams

| NH, USA | Romantic | October 11, 2013

(I am watching a movie with my boyfriend at his house. Things are starting to get pretty heavy.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, is it alright if I take my pants off?”

(I’m about to object as I’ve never gone this far with anyone before, and am quite modest. I then realize that he’s wearing skinny jeans, and assume he can’t be too comfortable.)

Me: “Sure. Need any help?”

Boyfriend: “No, I got it.”

(He proceeds to undo the belt and zipper. When he starts to pull them off, however, they won’t budge. I’m straddling him, so I sit back, hoping that will help.)

Me: “Are you sure you don’t need any help…?”

Boyfriend: “Don’t worry; I got it.”

(He then stands up and hops on one leg as he struggles to pull them off. He almost gets one leg out, but loses his balance and crashes into the coffee table. The table is on wheels, so he ends up banging his head on the cement floor.)

Me: “Oh, my goodness! Are you okay?”

Boyfriend: “I’m fine! Almost got ’em.”

(Finally, he manages to release himself from his pants and casts them aside.)

Boyfriend: “See, I told you I didn’t need help.”

(I didn’t tell anyone about the situation out of respect for his privacy. A couple months later, however, we went through a nasty breakup, and I always get a perverse kick out of regaling this story to our friends!)

Elephant In The Way

| Learning | October 11, 2013

elephant

The Class Is Blossoming Nicely

| Sweden | Learning | October 11, 2013

(I’ve just finished a two-month internship in a mixed preschool/elementary group. The kids and teachers are wonderful, but there have been a few serious incidents within the group. Even though I’ve been stressed to the point of nosebleeds, I’m happy to assist the teachers even after my internship has finished. I’m feeling quite harassed this early morning as we’re walking with the six year olds to the local library, but I still walk with a troubled boy who’s also had a rough couple of weeks. We’re passing an apartment complex where a few men are spring-cleaning the grass with leaf blowers.)

Little Boy: “What are they doing [My Name]?”

Me: “They’re cleaning the leaves away.”

Little Boy: “Why?”

Me: “So the lawn will look pretty.”

Little Boy: “Why?”

Me: “So that it’s nice and ready for spring.”

Little Boy: “Why?”

Me: “That’s when all the flowers come out.”

Little Boy: “Why do people want flowers out?”

Me: “Because they’re beautiful.”

Little Boy: “Just like you, [My Name]!”

(All the stress is forgotten.)

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Abusenet

| MA, USA | Learning | October 11, 2013

(The professor has just explained how his professors, back when he was in college, used to do complicated mathematical operations manually. He’s well-known across campus for his sense of humor.)

Professor: “I’m pretty old; I was on the Internet when it was just the geeks. No commercials, no porn.”

Me: “Oh please, there was porn on Usenet.”

(Usenet existed before the Internet.)

Professor: “Yeah, but there were no images. They were transmitted as text, and then you needed another program to transform it back. You kids don’t know how good you have it!”

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