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The Grandmother Of All Threats

| CO, USA | Right | October 11, 2013

(I work in my stepdad’s medical office. I am about 10 minutes late due to a car accident delaying traffic. There is an older patient waiting outside the office.)

Patient: *testily* “Why are you late?”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. There was an accident on my way in delaying traffic. Let me unlock the door, and I’ll help you.”

Patient: “Well, I was going to leave, but I’ll see Dr. [Name] now.”

Me: “Once again, I’m very sorry, ma’am. He’s not in his office today. He’s doing school testing.”

Patient: “This is unacceptable. Your sign says you’re open from 10-4 on Thursdays!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you have an appointment?”

Patient: “No, you stupid girl! I don’t need an appointment!”

Me: “Well, our sign also says we don’t take walk-ins. So yes, you do need one.”

Patient: “This is outrageous! Why can’t I see the doctor?”

Me: “I just told you that, ma’am. Now I can schedule an appointment for you, or—”

Patient: “You call the doctor and get him back here right now! If you don’t, I’ll have my grandson come by and beat you up!”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you need to leave.”

Patient: “Why? I’m paying you!”

Me: “Because you just threatened to have me assaulted. If you do not leave immediately, I will call hospital security and have you escorted out.”

(She doesn’t leave. She calls her grandson, who apparently turns down her offer for him to come and hurt me, and I call security. The following Monday, a young man about my age walks into the office. He is holding a bouquet of flowers.)

Young Man: “Hi, are you the lady my grandmother asked me to beat up?”

Me: “Yes, I think that would be me.”

Young Man: *hands me the flowers* “I am so sorry. She does this every time she doesn’t get her way. I just wanted to thank you for being one of the few to not cave to her demands.”

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Not Impressed With Man Meat

| Orlando, FL, USA | Right | October 11, 2013

(I work at the deli counter of my store. I am slicing meat for a customer who appears very grumpy. She watches me slice, bag, label, and hand her the meat.)

Customer: “No! This meat is all WRONG!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “You sliced it too thick!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I did ask you if that thickness was okay, and you said yes.”

Customer: “Then you held it funny! I couldn’t see it right! I’m not buying this s***!”

Me: “Would you like me to get the manager?”

Customer: “No, he’s probably an incompetent scumbag like you!”

Me: “She might be able to help make sure you are satisfied, ma’am.”

(The customer perks up immediately and looks at me with a predatory sneer.)

Customer: “Oh really? Your manager is a woman?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Then call her over here so I can explain how you f***** up my meat!”

(Sighing, I pick up the intercom phone and call the manager over.)

Customer: “That just makes you furious, doesn’t it? Taking orders from a woman?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You think you’re better than us, but you have to do what she says or she can fire you!”

Me: “Uh, not really. I’ve had plenty of female supervisors.”

Customer: “And that just burns you up inside, DOESN’T IT?!”

Me: “Why would you assume that?”

Customer: “BECAUSE YOU’RE A MAN!”

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The Little Mermaid Student

| New Zealand | Right | October 11, 2013

(I am a swimming teacher for mainly children under five. It is after the final lesson of the day. I am standing chatting to the parents. A young girl I have just been teaching walks up to me.)

Young Girl: “Excuse me. What are you doing?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Young Girl: “Why aren’t you in the pool?”

Me: “I don’t have anyone else to teach today. You were my last class.”

Young Girl: “But I thought you lived in the pool. Aren’t you a mermaid, miss?”

(I have to fight back the laughter as this little girl is completely serious, and is horrified to learn I don’t live in the pool! It’s things like this that make my job worthwhile.)

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A Better Cliché, A Better Day

| Prescott, AZ, USA | Right | October 11, 2013

(I am helping a customer adjust his shuttle reservation. I am having a horrible day; I am not feeling well, so my mood isn’t good but I don’t let it affect my inclination to help customers.)

Me: “Okay, sir, you’re all set.”

Customer: *happily* “Oh, bless your heart! Peace be with you, and all that s***!”

Me: *bursts out laughing*

Customer: “I hope you have a better day, and not just because of me!”

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A Bad Frame Of Mind

| IA, USA | Right | October 11, 2013

(I work in a frame shop for a large craft store chain. I take a phone call.)

Caller: “Yes, do you have black frames?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “How much are they?”

Me: “Well, it depends on the size, style, etc.”

Caller: “Okay, can you tell me what each of them costs?”

Me: “Ma’am, there are at least 75 different black frames; you really are going to have to come in and look for yourself.”

Caller: “Well, I’m not going to come in unless I have some idea how much they cost.”

Me: “Anywhere between $1 and $70.”

(The caller hangs up. Later that same day, the caller comes in. I recognize her voice.)

Caller: “Excuse me; can you tell me where your frames are?”

Me: “This whole section over here.”

Customer: “I see you have this frame in a 16 x 20, but I need it in a 20 x 16.”

(I take the frame from her and turn it on its side.)

Customer: *huffs* “Well, they should put on the package that you can turn it either way!” *storms off*

Coworker: “Dude, seriously?”

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