(I am about six years old. I like to play with the fake plastic credit cards they used to send in the mail with offers. I am at the register with my mom.)

Me: “Mommy, can I get this candy?”

Mom: “Sure, sweetie, just put it with the rest of the groceries.”

(She turns away and I decide to hold onto it. Once it gets to payment…)

Me: “Wait!” *holds up fake card* “I wanna pay for my candy!”

Cashier: “Sorry, kid, you’re too young for a credit card.” *looks at my mom* “How irresponsible, giving a child her age a credit card?!”

Mom: “What? That’s one of the fake ones you get in the mail!”

Cashier: “Oh, so you’re giving her one that is using a fake bank account?! That’s fraud, lady!”

(My mom tries to explain over and over, but the cashier won’t listen or so much as look at the card to see that it didn’t even have the strip on it to read the card.)

Mom: “Let me talk to your manager!”

Cashier: “Fine! Hey, [Manager], this lady is having her kid pay with a fraudulent credit card!”

Manager: “What? Let me see that.” *turns to me* “May I see your card, dear?”

Me: “Sure, mister!” *hands it over*

Manager: “[Cashier], this has a business offer on it. The kid was joking around.”

Cashier: “But, but, how would the kid pay for the candy?!”

Mom: “I would have obviously paid for it!”

Manager: “[Cashier], go on break. We’ll talk about this later.”

(My mom ended up buying two candies for me, and the manager gave us a discount for the trouble!)

(My mum and I have a long standing poke-war on Facebook, where we just keep poking each other. I decide to download an auto-poke app on Chrome. My mum gets up to make some breakfast, but I keep getting poked on Facebook.)

Me: “How are you doing that?”

Mum: “Doing what?”

Me: “POKING ME!”

Mum: “HOW ARE YOU DOING IT?”

Me: “I asked you first.”

Mum: “But you did it first.”

Me: “I downloaded an add-on for Google Chrome, called auto-poke.”

Mum: “I also downloaded an add-on for google chrome, called auto-poke.”

Me: “But you use Internet Explorer!”

Mum: “No more…”

(My fiancé and I have been engaged for about six months. Also, it needs to be said that we are both very white.)

Me: “Hey, I love you.”

Fiancé: “What a coincidence! I love you too.”

Me: “That’s too awesome. We should get married.”

Fiancé: “Woah, this might be moving a little too fast for me. How about you let me tap yo a** and we will see where it goes from their.”

Me: “Afraid I can’t do that. I can’t sleep with anyone who misuses ‘their.'”

Fiancé: “Dang, I knew I did something wrong.”

Customer: “I have a direct debit, but now you’re charging me extra costs. Why? You can just take the money from my account!”

Me: “Well we tried twice, but the bank refused the payment. That’s why we sent you two reminders before adding the costs. Did you receive the letters?”

Customer: “Probably, but I never read your mail because I have a direct debit.”

Me: “But how are we supposed to let you know something is wrong if you don’t open the mail? We’re not sending you spam; we’re sending you a legitimate message.”

Customer: “Yeah, but as I said I don’t read them. So, now I feel I don’t have to pay the costs, because I didn’t know the payment failed.”

Me: “But we told you in the letters that the payment failed. Twice.”

Customer: “I DON’T READ THEM. You should have let me know!”

Me: “We did! How else were you expecting to receive our notices?”

Customer: “I don’t know! I just think the costs shouldn’t be charged.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the costs are correct. You just told me that you received our letters, but you don’t read them. We let you know that the bill wasn’t paid and stated in our letters when the payment was due to prevent the costs. I am fully willing to discuss payment, but you will have to pay the costs.”

Customer: “I am not happy about this. I was expecting more from you.”

Me: “More? What were you expecting besides two letters?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Just… more…”

(The customer did end up paying the costs. I’m still wondering to this day what kind of ‘more’ he expected from us.)

(We are having a conversation in the break room.)

Coworker #1: “Yeah, I just feel like I’m totally worthless here. It’s like I’m nothing.”

Coworker #2: *loudly* “I, too, feel worthless, but someday, I shall ascend from the ashes of worthlessness and be a somebody! No longer will I bow before corporate greed and inequality! Someday, I will be filthy rich and tell this place to kiss my a**!”

(The whole room cheers and claps.)

Coworker #2: “And then, I’ll move to England and marry a sexy Icelandic model!”

Coworker #1: “Why England?”

Me: “You lost me at ‘sexy, Icelandic model.'”

Coworker #2: “What? Icelanders can visit England, too!”