CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am sitting in a diner. A man, a teenage girl, a woman, and a few other diners are sitting there eating. Suddenly, the woman falls down and starts having a seizure.)

Man: “Everybody back. I know what to do. I’ll start CPR. Somebody call an ambulance.”

(He kneels next to the woman, whose head was cut on a railing when she fell and is bleeding, and gets ready to start CPR. Suddenly, the teenage girl yells out.)

Teenage Girl: “NO! STOP! Don’t do CPR!”

(She runs over.)

Teenage Girl: “Sir, move over and let me help.”

Man: “Little girl, you don’t know what you’re doing. Get out of the way and let me start CPR!”

Teenage Girl: *shoves him out of the way* “You don’t do CPR on a seizure patient.”

(She moves the woman away from the railing and cushions her head. It’s obvious she knows what she’s doing.)

Man: “Someone grab this b****! I need to start CPR before it’s too late!”

(He pulls the girl away and she fights back. By the time she gets free, the woman has stopped seizing. The girl puts her on her side and starts giving first aid. The woman starts breathing again and turns onto her back.)

Teenage Girl: “It’s over. I told you she didn’t need CPR.”

Man: “Okay, so you were right. Move over; I’ll take over now. I know what to do.”

Teenage Girl: “No chance, mister. She’s post-ictal, and you need to stay back in case she gets combative.”

(Luckily, the woman doesn’t start fighting. As the teenage girl keeps talking to her and takes her pulse, she eventually starts responding.)

Woman: “I’m [Woman].”

Teenage Girl: “Hi. I’m [Teenage Girl]. Do you remember what happened?”

Woman: “Yeah, I laid down, and then I woke up like this.”

Man: “YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK! You’ve got to remember that!”

Teenage Girl: “You had a seizure; it’s all right to not remember it. Does anything hurt?”

Woman: “Just my back and my neck.”

Teenage Girl: “All right. I’m going to ask you to lie still; you may have injured your back. You’re doing fine. Oh, here comes the ambulance.”

(The paramedics walk in with a stretcher and lift the woman onto it.)

Medic #1: “What happened here?”

Man: “I’ll tell you what happened. This lady fell over and started having a heart attack, and this little b**** wouldn’t let me do CPR. I’m amazed the woman survived. You should have her arrested! She could’ve killed someone!”

Teenage Girl: “No, it was a seizure. Lasted about 90 seconds; she fell and sustained a laceration to her head. I’d look at that and possible concussion. Post-ictal about two minutes, seems mostly oriented and is answering questions, pulse slightly elevated, no memory of the event. She did state she’s having some back and neck pain and she fell hard, so I’d take spinal precautions.”

Man: “Just listen to her! Pretending she knows what she’s doing! I’m calling the police!”

Medic #2: “Actually, she does know what she’s doing. Pretty well, in fact.”

Man: “And how exactly do you know that?”

Medic #2: “Because we’re going to be working on the same ambulance on her shift tonight.” *high-fives teenage girl*

(The teenage girl was in fact at EMT! The man was banned from the diner and arrested for grabbing the girl.)

(A customer drops his car off to do a trade-in, and will be meeting me later to finalize the paperwork. I go to his car to check the mileage, and find that it’s locked. I go back inside to get the keys.)

Me: “The guy’s car is locked. Did he happen to leave his keys with any of you?”

Coworker: “No, why don’t you try calling him?”

(I call the customer.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, sir, we have your car here. I was trying to get in and it’s locked. Where did you put your keys?”

Customer: *optimistically* “Oh! They’re in the car.”

(I am appointed as a volunteer marshal at college. The college hosts a book launch, and the fire alarm goes off. Most people follow directions to the fire exits, but one guest is sat there drinking his free champagne.)

Me: “You can bring your drink if you like, sir, but we have to go outside and wait for the fire brigade to tell us it’s safe to re-enter.”

Guest: “No, I shall stay here. It’ll be a false alarm.”

Me: “I have no way of knowing if it’s a real fire or a false alarm, so please come with me to the assembly point, sir.”

Guest: “I’m not taking instructions from you! Who do you think you are?”

Me: “Just a voluntary fire marshal, sir.”

Guest: “Just a student, then.”

Me: “Yes, I’m a student here. Sorry about this, sir, but there’s a formality I have to conduct.”

(I take out my phone and start the video camera. I point it at him.)

Me: “It’s 12:57 pm. The fire alarm is sounding. I’m instructing you to follow me to the fire exit.”

Guest: “Pathetic. And I’m refusing. What’s the point of that little charade? To show it to your friends on Youtube?”

Me: “No, sir. If it proves necessary, to show it to the coroner at your inquest.”

(I turn and leave. The guest waits until I’m turning the corner, and then follows.)

(I am a waiter in a high-class restaurant. In my section is a cute couple, and from the looks and blushing, it appears they’re on their first date. Both have several visible piercings, and from what I can see on the young woman, they both have tattoos. They’re talking quietly to each other, not disturbing anyone. I’m called over to a nearby table with a dining couple in their mid-forties.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Diner: *loudly* “I want that disrespectful couple out!”

(The diner points to the other couple. Both look up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

Diner: “Look at them! They’re disgusting! That woman shouldn’t be seen in public!”

(I see the young woman’s head go down.)

Diner: “And that man should be ashamed! They’re ruining the entire atmosphere!”

(Now both of the couple are looking at their plates. I can barely hear the young woman mumble to her date.)

Young Woman: “Maybe we should go…”

(Both start to stand. I motion for them to sit. I turn back to the loud diner.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you and your husband to leave.”

Diner: *scoffs* “What for?!”

Me: “For disturbing the peace, and ‘ruining the atmosphere.’ I will escort you to the door.”

Diner: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “Alright, I’ll go get my manager and have him escort you out.”

(Sure enough, my manager agrees with me and makes the older couple leave.)

Woman: “You’ve just lost your best customers, you heathen!”

(The young couple thank me, and they get 10% off their check for their troubles. They come back every couple of months, requesting me. The last time they come in, there is a decent-sized rock on the young woman’s finger.)

Did you find this story using our Waitstaff roundup?

Click here to get to the next story!

Click here to get back to the roundup!

(I am helping a customer who, with her six-year-old son, pick out stain for her deck. I am the only person in the paint department. Another customer comes up to my desk. I call for backup.)

Me: *to Customer #2* “It should only be a few minutes wait.”

(After about 30 more seconds, Customer #2 storms down the aisle to where I am still working with Customer #1.)

Customer #2: *to Customer #1* “This isn’t personal shopper day! Other people need help; you need to get your s*** and leave!” *to me* “Get your a** on the phone and get someone over here to serve me, b****!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, he was with another customer. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”

Customer #2: *goes back to the desk to wait* “B****!”

Me: *to Customer #1* “I’m sorry about that—”

Customer #1’s Young Son: “It’s okay lady! She is my lunch lady, and she is mean to EVERYONE! Don’t listen to her; you’re doing great helping mommy!”