(My girlfriend and I have been living together for several years. We are currently on the sofa watching TV. My girlfriend is lying on me. Her head is on my chest.)

Girlfriend: “I can hear your heart.”

Me: “When you sleep, I can hear your butt.”

Girlfriend: “That’s not a romantic way to say me that I fart in my sleep.”

Me: “You mean there is a romantic way?”

(I need to schedule a pre-operative physical exam with my primary care physician (PCP). Since she books up quickly, I call three months ahead of time to make the appointment.)

Me: “Hi. This is [My Name]. I need to schedule an appointment in September with my PCP for a pre-operative physical.”

Receptionist: “Okay. How about 4 pm on September 9th?”

Me: “This is a pre-op physical exam, and those take a while. 4 pm seems awfully late in the day to get everything done.”

Receptionist: *frosty* “I REALIZE that! That will be plenty of time. Do you want the appointment or not?”

Me: “Sure. That’s fine. 4 pm on September 9th with my PCP for a pre-op physical.”

(Two weeks later, I am talking to the surgeon’s scheduler and going through the checklist with her. My surgeon and my primary care physician are in the same network. Anyone in the network can see all my appointments with any network provider.)

Scheduler: “Now, what about your pre-op physical? When were you going to schedule that?”

Me: “Oh, I did that already. I’m set up with my PCP for September 9th.”

Scheduler: “I see that appointment. But, they’ve just got it described as a follow-up. They don’t have enough time blocked for all the pre-op testing.”

Me: *sighs* “Okay. I’ll call them back and explain it again.”

(I call the clinic back again.)

Me: “Hi. This is [My Name]. I’m calling about my appointment on September 9th. The surgeon’s scheduler says you don’t have that appointment described as a pre-op physical. She also says you don’t have enough time set aside for all the tests.”

Receptionist: “Well, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I clearly shows that this is a pre-op physical. There will be PLENTY of time.”

Me: “Are you sure? I know a pre-op physical includes lab work, EKG, x-ray—”

Receptionist: “I SAID, there is plenty of time. Do you still want this appointment or shall I cancel it?”

Me: “I’ll keep the appointment. Thank you.”

(Two and a half months later, it is the day of my appointment. I am at work. My phone rings.)

Receptionist: “This is [Receptionist] from the clinic! I’m calling about your appointment today!”

Me: “Yes. I got the reminder call yesterday. I will be there.”

Receptionist: “Did you realize this is a pre-op physical?!”

Me: “Um, yes. That’s what I told you when I made the appointment three months ago, and what I told you when I called back about it two and a half months ago.”

Receptionist: “But that’s not enough time for a pre-op physical!”

Me: “I know that. I told you that when I made the appointment three months ago. I told you again two and a half months ago.”

Receptionist: “We have to do blood work! And urinalysis! And a chest x-ray! And an EKG! There’ll never be enough time to do all that and still see the doctor!”

Me: “Yes. Exactly as I told you repeatedly several months ago.”

Receptionist: “Can you come in earlier than your appointment so we can get all that done? Can you be here by 3:30?”

Me: “Yes. I can get there 30 minutes early.”

Receptionist: “Oh, good! But you know, if you ever need a pre-op physical like this again, you really need to tell us when you make the appointment. We can’t always move the schedule around at the last minute like this, to accommodate you.”

Me: “Um. Yeah. Right. I’ll try to remember that.”

(I’m calling my insurance company for info about my policy. I’m asked for my policy number. I don’t have it on me so I asked for him to look it up by social security number.)

Me: *gives social security number*

Representative: “Please verify your name.”

Me: *gives name*

Representative: “And your date of birth.”

Me: *gives date of birth*

Representative: “Now, please verify the last four digits of your social.”

Me: *pause* “You mean the last four digits of my social, that I gave you in whole to look up my policy?”

Representative: “…Yes.”

(My sister and I are watching ‘A Nightmare Before Christmas’ while I’m video-chatting my partner.)

Sister: “It’s Slender Man!”

Me: “What? No!”

Sister: “He fits the legends!”

Me: “Slender Man doesn’t have a face.”

Sister: “Oh.”

Me: *to partner* “My sister just called Jack Skellington, Slender Man.”

Partner: *slowly horrified* “…no.”

(I have tired of paying for cable since I rarely watch television and I cancel my subscription. A month later I get rid of my two television sets. A year after that I get a call from a telemarketer.)

Telemarketer: “Hello. I see that you are only on the phone and internet plan. If you sign up for cable, you can bundle and save!”

Me: “That’s nice, but I don’t own a TV. So, no, thank you.”

Telemarketer: “But you can bundle the cost of internet/phone/cable to save!”

Me: “However, I don’t have a television set so I have no need for cable.”

Telemarketer: “But if you get cable you will pay more if you don’t bundle.”

Me: *sighs* “No, I don’t want cable for TVs that I don’t own. I am hanging up now.”

(The next day I get a different telemarketer from the same company.)

Other Telemarketer: “Hello. I see that you are only on the phone and internet plan. If you sign up for cable, you can bundle and save!”

Me: “No, thank you. I don’t own a television set.”

Telemarketer: “But you can bundle the cost of internet/phone/cable to save!”

Me: “Yes. I understand that, but as I said to you and the person yesterday, I don’t have a television set so I have no need for cable.”

(This happens again for the next two days, with different telemarketers.)

Me: “You know, I just talked to a couple different people this week. Why don’t you get me your supervisor?”

(The telemarketer gets the supervisor, who talks very condescendingly.)

Supervisor: “Hello. Let me explain how bundling works for the cable and your current phone and internet plan.”

Me: “Please stop and listen to what I am about to say. I DO NOT WANT CABLE BECAUSE I DO NOT OWN A TELEVISION SET. As in there is NO television for the output of said cable TV. So it would be a waste of my money and your time since I do not own a television set.”

(There is a very long pause until the supervisor’s light bulb goes on.)

Supervisor: “Oh, you don’t… Oh, you don’t HAVE A TV?! Oh, well, then. You won’t be needing cable at all. I will put a note on your file that you have no TV and not to call you about cable.”

(I broke a slew of telemarketers since not owning a TV is not in their training!)