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Vintage Trolling

| Prince George, BC, Canada | Related | October 15, 2013

(My dad loves teasing people. Almost everyone who knows us knows this, but newcomers are sometimes never sure if they should take him seriously. One of our good family friends has just gotten married.)

Friend #1: *to his wife* “Don’t worry; he’s just trolling you.”

My Dad: *grins unrepentantly* “I’ve been trolling people since before it was called trolling!”

Friend #1: “Yeah, back then we just called them a**-holes.”

It’s Getting Messianic Up In Here

| Spartanburg, SC, USA | Related | October 15, 2013

(My four-year-old godson has no religious affiliation, nor do his parents. To my knowledge, he has never set foot in a church in his life.)

Godson: “What’s that shirt say?”

Me: “It says, ‘Jesus is your homeboy.'”

Godson: “Oh.” *thinks about that for a second* “Jesus is my brotha from a holy motha!”

Gourd His Thoughts Better

| SA, Australia | Related | October 15, 2013

(A little boy is talking about his parents. His father is tall and slender, but his mother is quite short and plump.)

Boy: “Daddy’s like a carrot, and mummy’s like a pumpkin!”

Kiss And Tell-All

| Fortuna, CA, USA | Related | October 15, 2013

(My two-year-old brother has learned how to ride his bike without training wheels. He is riding around naked and falls, hurting his groin. He runs in the house.)

Brother: “Mommy! Mommy! I hurt my pee-pee! Kiss it, Mommy!”

Mom: “I’m not kissing that, Son.”

(Years later, I now tell this story to all of his girlfriends!)

Three Is A Crowd But Also Allowed

| Canada | Romantic | October 15, 2013

(It is February 13th. There is a customer staring at the Valentine’s cards. He is near tears. I am nearby waiting for my cousin who works here, and is my ride home.)

My Cousin: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “No, thanks. Wait… no. No.”

My Cousin: “Now that sounds like a cry for help. Talk to me; what’s wrong?”

Customer: *sadly and rather awkwardly, in lots of broken sentences* “I can’t… I… this couple. We’ve been having threesomes and I want to get them something. I love them. Both. So much. But they’re married, and they’re my best friends, and I don’t want to ruin everything.”

My Cousin: “How can a card ruin everything? You think telling people you’ve been having sex with that you love them will scare them off?”

Customer: “I… don’t want to presume.”

My Cousin: “Come on, you haven’t been standing here for a half hour because it’s a bad idea. You know what you want to do.”

(He nods slowly, and she helps him pick out a ‘to the woman I love’ and a ‘to the man I love’ cards. His hands shake the whole time he’s paying, and his knuckles are white around the little plastic bag as he leaves.)

Me: “Man, now the hot ones are, like, double taken.”

My Cousin: “I suddenly have a good feeling about the woman who was in here a few days ago buying a ‘for my husband’ and a ‘for my boyfriend.'”

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