(At our store we have a policy where we greet every guest we can.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. How are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’m doing alright. How about you?”

Me: “I’m doing well.”

Customer: “No, you’re not.”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Customer: “You’re doing ‘good,’ not ‘well.'”

Me: “As you say, sir. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes, you can start speaking proper English!”

(At this point the customer is starting to become visibly upset and starts making a scene.)

Me: “I can assure you, sir, that there is nothing wrong with my grammar. ‘Good’ is a word that can be used in conjunction with copular verbs. ‘Well,’ on the other hand, is an adverb, and in the context of the sentence ‘well’ would be the correct choice.”

Customer: “Cop… ad… what? You don’t know what you’re talking about! You’re just a work drone!”

Me: “Would you like to see my master’s degree in English and creative writing?”

(The customer stammers a bit more and becomes very sheepish.)

Me: “Now, is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: *embarrassed* “The ribs on sale?”

Me: “Right over there on the end-cap. I hope you have a pleasant evening!”

(I am working the register when a young girl of about four or five approaches.)

Little Girl: “Excuse me, but do you sell bottled water?”

Me: “We sure do sweetheart; it’s right by the self check out.”

(The little girl walks over to the coolers and grabs a water. She stops by her mother who is nearby in an aisle and then comes back to me.)

Little Girl: “I told my mommy I was feeling a bit dehydrated, so she said I can buy this.”

Me: “You sure can! That will be [total].”

(She hands me $2, and I hand her her change.)

Me: “Thank you for being so polite; enjoy your water!”

Little Girl: “You’re welcome, ma’am. My mommy says you should be polite to people because it makes them happy, and I like to make people happy.”

(She certainly put a smile on my face for the rest of the night!)

(The face paint we use at the theme park is water-based, and I have to put it away during one of our seasonal storms. I am currently drying off my station so that I can get back to painting faces.)

Customer: “Hi, my daughter would like a face paint.”

Me: “Certainly! Go ahead and pick your paint from the book, and I should be all set up by the time you decide.”

Customer: “Sounds great!”

(The customer and her daughter bypass the book and just look at our back wall display instead. The customer sets up all of her stuff right next to our price sign and display, showing the credit cards we accept. I overhear them making their decision.)

Me: “I’m ready whenever you are! I think I heard somebody wanting a Unicorn Mask?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Yeah!”

Customer: “It’s a bit too much…”

Customer’s Daughter: “But mooooommm!”

Me: “I can scale it back to a lower-priced version that I think you would both be happy with.”

Customer: “I think that could work.”

(I proceed to make the custom face paint, and add all the little touches that they ask for as I go along. When I finish I show, the customer and her daughter are happy with it.)

Me: “Okay, your total is [total].”

Customer: “What? You have to pay?!”

(I point to the credit card and price sign that she’s been standing next to the entire time.)

Customer: “Geez, no wonder you were so accommodating!”

(She throws the money at me and storms away in a huff, complaining about having to pay for a face paint.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]; how can I help you?”

Patient: “I need to cancel an appointment I have today.”

Me: “All right, let’s verify your information and then we’ll look at the appointment.”

(As the patient verifies everything, I note he is 25 years old, the appointment is urgent, and was made earlier that day. He has already spoken to a nurse as well.)

Me: “Okay. I see the appointment with [Doctor] at [time], and you want me to cancel it?”

Patient: “Yes. Oh, and can you tell me what the appointment was for? I can’t remember.”

(I hover over the cancel button as I tell the patient.)

Me: “Sir, it is for forgetfulness. Are you sure you want to cancel?”

Patient: *silent for a moment* “Yes, go ahead and cancel it.”

(I’m selling train tickets, and we have a new hire for the summer. As I am on my break, the new hire calls me. There’s a small fee if you travel with a pet, and if you don’t have anything to carry this pet with you, we offer to sell a cage.)

New Hire: “Hey, there’s a traveler who wants a discount for his kid. Can I sell them the pet formula and the cage?”

Me: “Er… who is it for, an animal?”

New Hire: “Nope, it’s for the child. He’s 10 years old.”

Me: “Of course not! He’s a child, so he has to get the child fare, and that’s it.”

New Hire: “Oh, okay. I thought it’d work.”