(I work retail for a sports store.)
Customer: “Do you have a New York Yankees football?”
Me: “A football? Do you mean a baseball?”
Customer: “No, I meant a football. Do you not have any?”
Me: “No, because the Yankees play baseball, not football.”
Customer: “Well you are missing out on a lot of market not selling that stuff.”
(I am a customer at a video game store, when a mother and her child, who can’t be more than seven, walk in.)
Kid: “I want these games, Mom!” *hands her several sports games*
Mom: “Okay, well, we’re gonna get them used because they’re cheaper.”
Kid: “I also want this game!” *hands her ‘Grand Theft Auto IV’*
Mom: “Well, here’s a used copy, so I guess it’s okay.”
Me: *quietly, so the kid doesn’t hear* “Ma’am, I hate to interrupt, but Grand Theft Auto isn’t a game for children. In that game, you can buy a hooker, beat her up with a baseball bat, and steal her money.”
Mom: “You can do what now? What’s this game about?”
Me: “It’s about stealing cars and killing people. It’s not a game for children.”
Mom: *to kid* “Hey! You promise you ain’t gonna do none o’ that?”
Kid: “YEAH!”
Mom: “Well, okay then!”
(I work in a Canadian call centre that is contracted by an American cable internet company. Therefore all my customers are American.)
Client: *after the issue is resolved* “I can’t place your accent. Where am I calling? Are you in India?”
Me: “No, ma’am. I’m in Edmonton, Alberta. That’s in Canada.”
Client: “Canada? Really?”
Me: “Yes.”
Client: “Do they even have cable internet up there?”
Me: *pausing to swallow incredulity* “Yes, ma’am, we do. In fact, we actually have had cable internet for a bit longer than most US markets.”
Client: “Oh, well, I don’t know nothin’ about Canada. I thought it was a third-world country or something.”
(At our store we have a policy where we greet every guest we can.)
Me: “Good evening, sir. How are you doing today?”
Customer: “I’m doing alright. How about you?”
Me: “I’m doing well.”
Customer: “No, you’re not.”
Me: “Excuse me, sir?”
Customer: “You’re doing ‘good,’ not ‘well.'”
Me: “As you say, sir. Is there anything I can help you with?”
Customer: “Yes, you can start speaking proper English!”
(At this point the customer is starting to become visibly upset and starts making a scene.)
Me: “I can assure you, sir, that there is nothing wrong with my grammar. ‘Good’ is a word that can be used in conjunction with copular verbs. ‘Well,’ on the other hand, is an adverb, and in the context of the sentence ‘well’ would be the correct choice.”
Customer: “Cop… ad… what? You don’t know what you’re talking about! You’re just a work drone!”
Me: “Would you like to see my master’s degree in English and creative writing?”
(The customer stammers a bit more and becomes very sheepish.)
Me: “Now, is there anything I can help you with?”
Customer: *embarrassed* “The ribs on sale?”
Me: “Right over there on the end-cap. I hope you have a pleasant evening!”
(I am working the register when a young girl of about four or five approaches.)
Little Girl: “Excuse me, but do you sell bottled water?”
Me: “We sure do sweetheart; it’s right by the self check out.”
(The little girl walks over to the coolers and grabs a water. She stops by her mother who is nearby in an aisle and then comes back to me.)
Little Girl: “I told my mommy I was feeling a bit dehydrated, so she said I can buy this.”
Me: “You sure can! That will be [total].”
(She hands me $2, and I hand her her change.)
Me: “Thank you for being so polite; enjoy your water!”
Little Girl: “You’re welcome, ma’am. My mommy says you should be polite to people because it makes them happy, and I like to make people happy.”
(She certainly put a smile on my face for the rest of the night!)
