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Smile While You Dump

| Working | October 16, 2013

Your On Camera

Life Is Brutal

| Related | October 16, 2013


A Dad’s Joke Is Always Dated

| MO, USA | Related | October 16, 2013

(A friend of mine walks in and gets in my line. His ex-wife and he live close by each other, and he gets to see his daughter on his scheduled weekends, but also throughout the week if he’s not busy.)

Me: “How are you doing today?”

Friend: “Oh, not too bad. I have a date with a cute red-head this afternoon.”

Me: *knowing he is talking about his daughter* “Oh really? What do you have planned for today?”

Friend: “I don’t know. I think we’re gonna go to the park and let her ride her bike around, and then go get some lunch.”

Me: “Sounds good! Hope you guys have fun!”

(My friend wishes me a good day, and heads out the door. My next customer walks up.)

Customer: “It sounds like he’s going on a date with a four year old.”

Me: “Actually, she’s six!”

His Theory Is A-Rye

| OH, USA | Related | October 16, 2013

(My brother’s girlfriend is visiting. Since neither of them have a car, I end up driving them to the mall. As we are leaving, they decide to get some soft pretzels to eat on the way home. My brother’s girlfriend is gluten-intolerant, meaning she can only have a certain amount of wheat in a day.)

Girlfriend: “Okay, I’m done with these. You can have the rest.”

Brother: “Oh, you’re not hungry?”

Girlfriend: “No, I just have had enough wheat for one day.”

Brother: “Pretzels have wheat in them?”

Me: *laughing* “What did you think pretzels were made out of?”

Brother: “Crackers?”

(Both his girlfriend and I are laughing.)

Me: “Okay, even if pretzels were made out of crackers—which they aren’t—where did you think crackers came from?”

Brother: “…cracker trees?”

No Aptitude For Latitude, Part 3

| New York, NY, USA | Related | October 16, 2013

(My dad’s aunt is visiting from Texas, and she wants to visit NYC, about two and a half hours away. My aunt, my grandmother, my mom, and I take a day trip up there. After walking a lot, my aunt stops and leans against a building with her hands on her knees, breathing heavily.)

Mom: “Are you okay?”

Great-Aunt: “Oh, I’m fine, just a little winded because of the altitude. I’m not used to being this far above sea level.”

(Another sister of theirs lives in Colorado, so I assume that’s how she got it in her head that being out of breath in another state is the same as thinner air.)

Me: “But we’re at sea level, on an island. The ocean is right over there.”

Great-Aunt: “Oh, no honey; we’re much higher up here than at home.”

Grandmother: *totally serious* “Right, because if you look at a map, Texas is down here, and New York is way up here!”

(When we get home, I look up the actual altitudes just for kicks. According to Google, New York City is 33 ft. above sea level. Houston? 43 ft.)


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