(Several of us are in the lunch room when we hear a coworker yelling in the hallway outside.)
Coworker #1: “You guys are all gross!”
(Coworker #1 comes into the lunch room.)
Coworker #2: “Hey, [Coworker #1], what’s up?”
Coworker #1: “Those guys are gross! You know what they’re doing? They’re trying to guess what each other had for breakfast!”
Coworker #2: “So what?”
Coworker #1: “No, they’re burping, and smelling each other’s burps!”
(My dad has been telling me a story about when he met a celebrity when he was a sophomore in high school.)
Me: “So how old were you, like 16?”
Dad: “No. So anyway, I looked at my sister and—”
Me: “Oh this was when you were 15?”
Dad: “No! I told you! No what don’t you understand? It was APRIL! Start listening and let me tell my d*** story!”
Me: “What? I just asked how old you were!”
Dad: “Oh, I thought you were asking if it was Halloween!”
(I’m in my college dorm room with my roommate.).
Me: “Hey, can you open the blinds? It’s dark in here.”
Roommate: “Sure.”
Me: “Why were they closed anyway? We never close the blinds.”
Roommate: “[Boyfriend] and I closed them.”
Me: “Why would you do that?”
Roommate: “…because we didn’t want anyone to see in.”
Me: “Why not? ”
Roommate: “Because we wanted privacy.”
Me: “Why?”
Roommate: “BECAUSE WE WERE NAKED!”
Me: “Why were you—oh. I’m a dumb-a**.”
(I am just about to ask to use the restroom of the store. I already know that you have to ask the cashier for the key. I see another woman with the key, go into the ladies’ room. I wait outside for her to finish, so I can get the key from her. There is no way to lock the bathroom from the inside, so that someone with a key can gain access even if someone is already in the ladies’ room.)
Me: “Hi. I was just about to ask for the key when I saw you go in. I would like to use the bathroom so if you could give me the key—”
Customer: “You don’t need the key. The door is now open so you can go in.”
Me: “Yes, I see that. But if you give the key back to the cashier and someone else asks for it, that person can get in the bathroom while I’m using it.”
Customer: “I told you that you don’t need the key. You only need the key to get in and I’m holding the door open for you.”
Me: “I understand that. But, see, if you give the key to the cashier and she thinks I’m done and gives it to someone else, that person can open the door.”
Customer: “You don’t need the key!”
Me: “Yes, I need the key to prevent anyone else from getting in the bathroom while I’m in there.”
Customer: “No, you can’t have the key. I’m giving it to the cashier.”
(Rather than walk to the front of the store to wait for her to give the key to the cashier, I rush into the bathroom, hoping I can finish before anyone else can get the key. Luckily, I am able to finish. When I emerge, I see the customer talking to one of the cashiers. They stop talking and I approach the cashier.)
Me: “Do you know that customer?”
Cashier: “She actually works here.”
Me: “I don’t understand why she wouldn’t give me the key after she finished in the bathroom so I could use the bathroom.”
Cashier: “Uh, yeah, because we wouldn’t know you were in there and we could have given the key to someone else.”
Me: “At least someone gets it!”
(At our store, if you mis-tint more than four cans of paint in 30 days, you are docked the cost of paint. It’s very rare to go over four, but one talentless employee has managed nine already. She proceeds to ruin 10 cans in one night. A customer has brought back some of the worst mis-tints I’ve seen. I note the employee, remix paint, and send the customer over to our cashier for a gift card. The coworker sees customer.)
Coworker: “I’m so glad you liked the paint!”
Customer: “I didn’t; I had to return it.”
Coworker: “No way! I’m perfect there!”
Customer: “Uh…”
Cashier: “Sir, here’s your gift card. I’m sorry about your trouble.”
Coworker: “F*** You!” *points at customer* “You did that at your ghetto box you live in! Give me my f****** money back! You are just scamming me, like the f****** a**-hole you are.”
(The coworker then grabs for the customer.)
Me: *to coworker* “You do know the store does video and audio recordings?!” *to customer* “I am very sorry. If you don’t mind, I will call you tomorrow with a resolution, as I can’t authorize anything further myself.”
Coworker: “What?! You can’t do that!”
Customer: *to me* “That’s fine; here’s a good daytime number. I’m sorry you have to work with this.”
Coworker: “Hey!”
Me: *to coworker* “Go clean the cutting bay.”
Coworker: “I don’t f****** have to listen to you! I’m not cleaning; it’s dirty!”
Me: “Clean or go home. I’d rather you left, but since you now have 10 cans of paint to pay for, I figure you’d like the final hours.”
Coworker: “F*** you also! I’m leaving!”
(My coworker turns and stomps out. The nearby cashier has been watching the whole exchange.)
Cashier: “Hey, she listened for once!”
Me: “Don’t you dare.”
