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Act Now!

| Related | October 21, 2013


Will Not Be Moved On Being Moved

| Easton, PA, USA | Related | October 21, 2013

(During a house move, my father blows out his knee, putting a hold on our plans for a couple of weeks while he recovers. We have just finished packing the car full of most of our stuff, and my father and I are trying to decide what to take next when we approach the shed. After loading a particularly heavy item into the van, our soon-to-be-former landlady comes up.)

Landlady: “Hey, [Dad’s Name]! You’re gonna have to move your van; it’s blocking the road.”

Dad: “No it’s not, unless [Neighbor] needs a 12-foot berth when he pulls in and out of the driveway.”

Landlady: “You need to move the van so people behind you can get through.”

(The path is wide enough to hold two trucks side by side.)

Dad: “No I don’t; it’s fine.”

(The landlady walks away for a few moments, then comes back.)

Landlady: “When am I getting the house keys back?”

Dad: “When I’m done moving.”

Landlady: “Yeah, I’m gonna need them back by the end of the day.”

Dad: “Not happening. I still have stuff in my shed, and my son has his stuff to move.”

Landlady: “It had d*** well better happen!”

Me: “Not to sound like an a**, but we’d get done a lot quicker without you mouth-breathing down our necks over minor details.”

Landlady: “That’s it! Gimme the f*****g keys or I’m calling the cops!”

Dad: “Look, I’m going to say this plainly. You’re getting your keys when we leave this place for good. After that you can go in there and twerk all over the counter for all I care, but you’re not getting the keys until I’m done.”

(The landlady leaves and turns around to say something, but my dad cuts her off.)

Dad: “And I’ll move the d*** van, too!”

(As she leaves, I look at my dad with a surprised grin.)

Me: “That… was… AWESOME! Usually it’s Mom who explodes like that.”

Dad: “I have my moments. But compared to your mom, it’s like holding a candle next to the sun.”

Put His Football In His Mouth

| USA | Related | October 21, 2013

(I am seven, watching a soccer game with my family. I don’t play soccer, so I know nothing of it except there are two goals that players are trying to kick a ball into.)

Other Spectators: *shouting suggestions to the players*

Me: *joining in* “Kick him! Push him! Shove him!”

Other Spectators: *laugh*

Me: “Mom, why are they laughing at me?”

Mom: “Honey, those things that you suggested are illegal in soccer.”

Me: “Oh! Well, that’s dumb.”

Horsing Around

| MT, USA | Related | October 21, 2013

(My mother-in-law has picked my son up from school, to discover one side of his coat is coated in syrup. They get home.)

Mother-In-Law: “Take that coat off so I can wash it.”

Son: “Hold your horses!”

Mother-In-Law: *pretending to be huffy* “Well. I. Don’t. Have. Any!”

Son: *pretending back* “Well PRETEND!”

That’s No Paper Moon

| Woodbridge, VA, USA | Related | October 21, 2013

(My six-year-old daughter is waiting for me to get home from work.)

Me: “Hey guys! I’m home!”

Daughter: *runs up to me and grabs me by the hand* “Daddy! Come look what I built!”

(She leads me to the living room, where there is a small Lego death star from ‘Star Wars’ sitting on the table.)

Daughter: “Look what I built all by myself!”

Me: *dropping my voice really low* “Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of The Force!”

Daughter: “Daddy!” *giggles uncontrollably and gives me a big hug*

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