(I hate feet to the point where it has become a minor fear. I don’t like to be touched by them in any way. I am hanging out with my crush, who knows of my fear, when he starts to try to use me as a foot rest. I move away so quickly that I fall off the couch.)
Me: “Why did you do that?!”
Crush: “S***s and giggles. Your s***s, my giggles.”
(We are discussing the biblical flood in world religions class.)
Professor: “And it’s not just the people that get punished, it’s the animals—the little kittens! When I think of this flood all I can think of are these little kittens trying to survive! I mean, what did the kittens do?”
(My initial flight is delayed, so I am checking to see when the next connecting flight leaves. My final destination is by no means a small city.)
Agent #1: “Do you have a connecting flight, sir? If so I can direct you to the correct gate.”
Me: “Yes, I was supposed to be on flight [number], but I’ve already missed it. When is the next flight to [location]?”
Agent #1: *confused look* “Umm… we don’t fly into [location].”
Me: “Here is my boarding pass; you obviously fly there, or else I wouldn’t have a ticket.”
Agent #1: “NO! YOU OBVIOUSLY JUST PHOTOSHOPPED THIS TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID! I KNOW WE DON’T FLY TO [LOCATION]! WE NEVER HAVE! YOU FALSIFIED A TICKET! YOU COULD BE ARRESTED BY THE TSA FOR THAT!”
Me: “I printed this at the airpo—”
Agent #1: “THAT’S IT! SECURITY!”
(Finally, another nearby gate agent hears the screaming and comes over.)
Agent #2: “What is the problem here?”
Agent #1: “This man printed a fake ticket. I know we don’t fly to [location], so it has to be fake.”
Agent #2: “Oh, for the love of—I’m sorry, sir. Let me look up when the next flight to [location] is.”
Agent #1: “NO! Y’ALL JUST CONSPIRING AGAINST ME!” *storms off*
Agent #2: *to me, sighing* “The sad part is, that’s at least the third time she’s tried to call security for a fake boarding pass.”
(My cousin has just gotten married, and I bring my boyfriend with me as my date. We’re only 20, but we do talk about marriage sometimes, albeit mostly as a joke. We are having a conversation as we exit the church.)
Boyfriend: “You know what? This wedding has got me thinking. Choose your top four friends to be your bridesmaids!”
Me: “I actually already have that list prepared so—wait, four? B-but I just narrowed it down to seven the other day.”
Boyfriend: “Too bad! It’s gotta be four now!”
Me: “I can’t choose! I love them all so much!”
Boyfriend: “Well [Best Friend’s Name] would be your maid of honor right? Just gather the other six in a room and set them all on fire; whoever lives gets to be in the wedding!”
Me: *to customers* “Have a wonderful day!”
(The customers leave, and manager walks over.)
Manager: “Umm… you’re always supposed to tell the customers to have a great day.”
Me: “What did I say?”
Manager: “You said have a wonderful day.”
Me: “Isn’t that the same thing?”
Manager: “No, corporate has specifically asked that we say have a great day. That way we all wish them the same thing.”
