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You Could Say Mom Is Shell Shocked

| GA, USA | Related | October 23, 2013

(My five-year-old sister is given a turtle for her birthday. About six months later, my sister and her friend are playing with the turtle in the bathroom. My mom comes in.)

Mom: “What are you doing?!”

Sister: *spins around, holding her turtle in one hand and my mom’s toothbrush in the other* “Giving the turtle a bath!”


Sister’s Friend: *muttering to my sister as they’re leaving the bathroom* “I don’t know what she’s so upset about. We do it every day.”

She Nose Better

| Portland, OR, USA | Related | October 23, 2013

(I am at the birthday of my daughter’s friend. As it is a party for younger children, they have a clown, who is admittedly kind of lame. The clown walks up to my daughter and tries the old ‘got your nose’ trick.)

Clown: “I got your nose!”

(The clown is standing there wiggling his thumb between his knuckles.)

Daughter: *dead-eye stare* “That s*** ain’t funny.”

(I have never been so instantly embarrassed and proud at the same time!)

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Tribe Again

| SC, USA | Related | October 23, 2013

Me: “Hey, Dad. I know you’re part Cherokee on Grandpa Jim’s side. I was wondering: am I at least 1/64 Cherokee? If I am, I’m legally entitled to be a member of the Cherokee Nation.”

Dad: “No. I’m 1/64. You’re 1/128.”

Me: “Darn it. One generation too white for a college scholarship.”

Dad: “I think Cher wrote a song about that.”

Can’t Sweet-Talk His Way Out Of This One

| CA, USA | Romantic | October 23, 2013

(It is our first year of marriage. I am very excited to pass out Halloween candy from our first home together as a couple. I have purchased a very large bag of candy, and place it on top of the fridge. When Halloween rolls around, I go to grab the candy bag. My husband is in the living room playing video games.)

Me: “Okay, I’m gonna fill the candy bowl now.”

Husband: “…uh huh.”

(I grab the bag, and suddenly I am showered with candies as they fall from the bag.)

Me: “HEY! The candy bag has a big hole in it!”

Husband: “Oh. Uh… really?”

(I turn to stare at him, as it dawns on me what has happened.)

Me: “Have you been sneaking candy out of the bag this whole time?!”

(My husband never looks up from the game.)

Husband: “…umm …maybe?”

A Hard Drive Will Cost You Extra

| Flint, MI, USA | Romantic | October 23, 2013

Boyfriend: “Why do prostitutes cost so much?”

Me: “What?”

(I am hoping I misheard. My boyfriend mumbles something about micro-processors.)

Me: “Okay, I swear I thought I heard you ask why prostitutes cost so much.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, they are a little over-priced.”

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