(I work at a small museum that has a proportionally small gift shop. A girl who looks to be about seven years old walks up to the checkout.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you today?”

(The only thing she’s holding is a silly little fortune teller fish made of thin plastic that costs 50 cents. It should also be noted that she looks terrified yet determined.)

Customer: “Hey, um, I actually wasn’t planning on buying anything, but I was looking at this fish thing and messing with it and then it ripped. And I don’t have any money with me. So… um…”

Me: “Oh, that’s so sweet of you! I know plenty of people who would have just stuck that in their pockets and walked right out. You know what, I’ll take care of that for you, and I’ll even give you a free gift card for being so honest!”

(The poor kid is so relieved it makes me laugh.)

Customer: “Oh, thanks, ma’am! I was so scared!”

Me: “No problem! It’s honest people like you that are going to go far in life! Have a good day, honey!”

(Totally made my day!)

(I am browsing the board games in the toy aisle. I am on the border of the action figures, and the dolls aisles. A mother and young daughter walk by.)

Mother: “Boys have so much cooler toys.”

Daughter: “What?”

Mother: “Don’t you want a boy toy?”

Daughter: “No!”

(Our home phone number is only one digit different from a local supermarket. We get about one call a month intended for them. I’m about 14 years old.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “I have a complaint.”

Me: “Uh… this isn’t—”

Caller: “You are all incompetent! Why is my delivery so late?”

Me: “Look this is a private number—”

Caller: “I have friends coming over! I’m hosting a dinner party, and I have no food because you are all useless!”

Me: “I’m sorry but—”

Caller: “I want to speak to your manager! I want—”

(I give up and hang up. The phone rings almost immediately.)

Caller: “HOW DARE YOU RANG UP ON ME, YOU B****!”

(I hang up again. The phone rings again.)

Caller: “GIVE ME YOUR SUPERVISOR RIGHT F****** NOW! I’M GOING TO HAVE YOUR JOB, YOU LITTLE S***!”

Me: “Oh, you want to speak to Mum or Dad?”

Caller: “…what?”

Me: “Like I tried to tell you: this isn’t [shop]; this is a home number.”

Caller: *very small voice* “…What?”

Me: “This isn’t [supermarket].”

Caller: “But… but… I called them! WHY ARE YOU ANSWERING THEIR PHONE!?”

(I hang up again, and tell my dad he is answering if she calls back. She does. It is a very short conversation.)

(My boyfriend has just started college at the age of 24. I’ve been helping him with his math homework, since he has a lot of trouble understanding.)

Boyfriend: “I love that you help me with this; it means a lot.”

Me: “Of course hun! I’m like your own personal teacher, except I get to have sex with you afterwards.”

Boyfriend: “Well I’m sure plenty do that anyway.”

Me: “True… well then at least I don’t give you a D, you give me one.”

Boyfriend: “D*** it! Homework is hard enough without your lovely distractions.”

Me: *kisses him* “Come on, two more problems to go then I can distract you more.”

(The bookstore I work in is in a mall, close to a grocery store. I work in the kids section, in the back. I’m working on my knees, placing some products, when I overhear a conversation between a mother and her kid.)

Mother: *to her kid* “You stay here; I’ll be back later.”

Me: “Excuse me? You can’t leave your kid here.”

Mother: “Why? I have to do my groceries.”

Me: “That doesn’t matter; kids can’t be left unattended.”

(The mother huffs and leaves with her kid directly out of the store. A few minutes later, my coworker approaches me.)

Coworker: “Why did that woman tell her kid you were a big meanie?”