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Up To Monkey-Business

| Tomahawk, KY, USA | Related | October 24, 2013

(I am a young child. My grandpa is telling me about the neighbors.)

Grandpa: “You know, that lady who lives beside us had a pet monkey. When it died, she ate it. Stay away from her.”

(Several years pass. I am now an adult.)

Me: “Yeah, Mom, I was thinking the other day about Mrs. [Name], and how she ate her pet monkey.”

Mom: “Who told you that? She loved that monkey. I gave her a doll blanket to bury him in. She even had a little tombstone made for him.”

Me: “Dang, Pawpaw was an a**-hole.”

Mom: “Yes.”

Dating A Different Class

| York, England, UK | Romantic | October 24, 2013

Date: “Were you Blur or Oasis?”

Me: “Pulp!”

Date: “Yup, you’ll do!”

Give Him The Gift Of Remembrance

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Romantic | October 24, 2013

(It is our first anniversary together, and my boyfriend and I are walking through a park. My boyfriend is notorious for forgetting things.)

Me: “Here, honey! I bought you a gift!”

(I hand him a really expensive watch that he wants.)

Boyfriend: “Oh my god! Thank you!”

(I wait expectantly for my gift. He just stares at me.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], did you forget it was our anniversary?”

Boyfriend: “Uh… no! I left your gift in the car. Hang on!”

(He runs off in the opposite direction to the car and comes back. He hands me a rock.)

Me: “You forgot?”

Boyfriend: “I forgot.”

Letting The Relationship Go Down The Toilet

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Romantic | October 24, 2013

(I have left very little toilet paper on the roll, and my fiancée is in the bathroom.)

Fiancée: “Honey, there’s no toilet paper!”

(I get her another roll, as it’s in the hall closet.)

Me: “Sorry for leaving you high and dry like that!”

Fiancée: “No, you DIDN’T leave me dry! That’s the problem here!”

If He Only Had A Brain

| USA | Romantic | October 24, 2013

(I’m in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend, chatting on IM. She’s just told me it’s getting very windy outside her house, and they’re expecting a severe storm.)

Me: “Just stay safe, okay?”

Girlfriend: “I will. I’m staying inside.”

Me: “Dorothy did that, and look where it got her.”

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