(I am about nine years old, and my younger brother is about six. I have gotten the basic puberty talk at school today.)

Me: *enters house and drops backpack* “I learned about babies today! THEY COME OUT A WOMAN’S VAGINA!”

Dad: “Oh God.”

Younger Brother: “What’s a vagina?”

Mom: “CRAP! YOU TAKE HIM; I GOT HER!”

(We were both grabbed by the back of our shirts and taken to our rooms for ‘the talk.’)

(My colleague comes to work very upset. Her boyfriend has sent her a text that morning which reads ‘F*** YOU!’ She calls him to demand an explanation and an apology.)

Colleague’s Boyfriend: “I’ll be happy to apologize to you just as soon as I can think of a way to explain to my best friend why I sent him a text telling him I love him and can’t wait to make love to him all night.”

(My boyfriend and I both play an online arena game called ‘League of Legends’ where only the player who gives the last shot on the enemy gets the kill point while those who fought alongside only get the assist point. My boyfriend and Friend #1 have tried for some time to convince Friend #2 to subscribe, but he still refuses. I tell my boyfriend that I’ll convince him.)

Me: *during a phone conversation* “Hey, why don’t you join us on League of Legends? It would be fun!”

Friend #2: “Yeah, I’m not so sure.”

Me: “Oh come on! I’m still low level; you can learn with me! We’ll make a team of our own with [Boyfriend] and [Friend #1]!”

Friend #2: “Well okay then; let’s do this.”

(We hang up, and I feel rather proud.)

Me: “See! I told you I would convince him!”

Boyfriend: “Well, of course it was easy! [Friend #1] and I have been working on him for months; it doesn’t count.”

Me: “Who cares? I get the kill; you two only get the assist! Skill, honey, skill!”

Boyfriend: “I think you play too much.”

(I have a very bad habit of impulse buying. I’m also not working right now, and I don’t have much money. I find a really cool coffee mug online that’s shaped like an owl, and I love owls. I show my boyfriend this.)

Me: “Look at the thing! Can I get the thing?”

Boyfriend: “You can’t get the thing.”

Me: “You can’t tell me I can’t get the thing!”

Boyfriend: “You have $3 in your bank account right now.”

Me: “…I can’t buy the thing, can I?”

(I work at a 24-hour store as a cashier. From 7-8 am I am the only cashier on duty. A customer has just dumped two baskets FULL of travel size shampoos, conditioners, body washes, and sunscreens on the belt.)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah. Make sure you put everything in separate bags.”

(I look at literally hundreds of mini bottles on the belt and my eyes bug out.)

Me: “You mean all the shampoos in one bag, and all the conditioners in one bag?”

Customer: “Of course! You’re not that bright are you? No wonder you get s*** shifts at a crap place like this.”

(At this point, another customer gets in line behind her and I can see his eyes bug out at all of the items as I have to check.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am. That’s $98.74.”

(The customer starts digging through her purse to find her wallet.)

Customer: “I don’t have my wallet, so I don’t have my card.”

Me: “Do you have cash or any other way to pay for the items?”

Customer: “Do you not listen?! God you’re dumb! I don’t have anything!”

Me: “Well, give me a moment. I have to have my manager come over and void out the order.”

Customer: “You really should be nicer to your customers when your manager is around.”

(My manager comes up and voids the order, all the while hearing this customer bad mouth me.)

Other Customer In Line: “Lady, she’s just doing her job and she’s doing it rather well. I would have smacked you by now if you had talked to me that way. And if there is anyone dumb here, ma’am, it would be you who couldn’t even remember to bring your own wallet to the store with you.”

Manager: *to the first customer* “I’ve voided the order, but I will keep all of it at customer service for you today so you can come back and get it later and not have to wait in line again.”

(The customer gives the other customer in line behind her the finger, and huffs before leaving. My manager turns to the other customer in line.)

Manager: “So, how big of a discount would you like today, sir?”

Other Customer In Line: “Just my membership card thanks!” *to me* “You did good!” *grabs a chocolate bar from one of the racks* “Here, have this on me!”