(I am student-teaching at a local elementary school. While supervising recess one day, a second-grade boy approaches him.)

Me: “Hey! What’s up?”

Kid: “How many kids would it take to lift you onto the merry-go-round, tie you down, and spin you until your brain exploded?”

Me: “Uh… I don’t know. Why?”

Kid: *ponders for a second* “It would probably take 10,000 of us.”

(The kid trots away contentedly, leaving me to wonder what is going on in his head.)

(Rent is due on the 1st of each month, and late after the 5th. After the 5th, a late fee applies. Today is the 6th.)

Tenant: “Here’s my rent. I was going to drop my money order in the drop slot last night but I got tied up late at work and was too tired to drive over. I’m sorry. Can you waive the late fee?”

Me: “Well, let me see. Hmm, the date the money order was printed on was today, the 6th. So you just lied to my face.”

Tenant: *completely unashamed* “Ha ha. Well… yeah. You know.”

Me: “No, I don’t know.” *hands back rent* “Please come back when you have the additional late fee.”

Tenant: “That’s just wrong! It’s only a day!”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s the lying that’s wrong here.”

Tenant: *slams door and leaves in indignant huff* “I’m going to call your boss and have you fired. Oooh, and you’re racist!”

(I work in the back of the thrift store, where everything is sorted and tested. A Hispanic family comes in the front of the store, carrying three very old laptops.)

Customer: “We bought these laptops from here, and would like to exchange them from something else.”

Manager #1: “I’ll take these back to the electronics guys, and make sure they work.”

(He takes them back to the guys, and relays the story. While I don’t work at the electronics testing station, my area is right next to it, so I can see clearly what they are testing. They sometimes call me over because I have a strong technical background.)

Tester: “I don’t ever remember seeing these laptops.”

Me: “Neither do I!”

Manager #1: “Hey, wait a minute. There is no sticker residue! Nor is there rubbing of where they should have been! Also, they didn’t come in with a receipt. Something’s fishy here.”

(While they have me quickly test the laptops, Manager #1 gets Manager #2, who is fluent in Spanish, but Caucasian.)

Manager #1: *in Spanish* “Hello! So, were you trying to exchange the laptops?”

Customer: *flustered* “Did I say ‘exchange?’ I meant ‘donate!'”

Manager #2: “Well, I’m glad we could sort out the miscommunication!”

(Two of the laptops don’t boot up because they don’t even have a hard drive. The one that does boot has a very small amount of RAM. The kicker? Even if, by some fluke, we had sold those laptops, they would have been thoroughly tested, and all three would have been sold as ‘for parts,’ meaning that the customer wouldn’t have been able to afford even one working laptop!)

(I work in a dollar store that has a lot of varying inventory. It’s not uncommon for people to come in and ask me if we have received a particular item in on the truck.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “Yes I did. I love coming in here and seeing all the new stuff you get. But I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, if I can’t answer it I’m sure I can find someone who can.”

Customer: “If I’m looking for something and I can’t find it, is it free?”

Me: “I would suppose so. If we don’t have it, I can’t charge you for buying it.”

Customer: “So if I look around and I do find it?”

Me: “Then you found it and it’s no longer free.”

(The customer thinks for a second while I finish ringing him up, pays, and turns back to me as he’s walking out.)

Customer: “You win this round; can I go home now?”

Me: “I assume so; I’m not stopping you.”

(The customer walks out happy as can be.)

(I am mopping the floor when a customer walks in and proceeds to slip and fall.)

Customer: “I’M GOING TO SUE! You could have KILLED ME!”

Me: “Sir, there’s just two things wrong with your plan. One, I have ‘Caution – Wet Floor’ signs all over the store.”

Customer: “Well I didn’t see them! I think I broke my leg!”

Me: “Regardless, the store is released of all liability because they are out in highly visible places, and you just fell by one.”

Customer: “I WANT YOUR MANAGER, NOW!”

Me: “The other thing wrong with your plan is that I haven’t mopped over there yet. The floor is dry.”

(The customer gets up on his ‘broken’ leg and scurries out.)