(My husband and I have just pulled out our fake Christmas tree and are putting it up. We’re both working on fluffing out the branches.)

Me: “Man, your side looks so much better than my side!”

Husband: “I’m more anal about how the tree looks when it’s done.”

Me: “This is true. And you’re way more anal about the lights on the tree than I am!”

Husband: “Absolutely. In fact, in the interests of marital harmony, go sit down and let me do this myself.”

(A salesperson has knocked on my door. After his pitch, this exchange happens:)

Sales Guy: “So can I put you down for a consultation.”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Sales Guy: “Okay, but you could be saving a lot of money.”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Sales Guy: “Can I ask you why not?”

Me: “Because I have two sleeping children, a sign that says ‘No Solicitation,’ and you rang my door bell.”

Sales Guy: “Uh… Have a nice day…”

(My sister and her children have come to visit for Christmas. I’ve put my 21-year-old son in charge of keeping my eight-year-old nephew entertained. Luckily, they both like computers, so most of their conversations revolve around those subjects. My nephew is talking to my son about the ‘Raspberry Pi’ computer, which is a credit-card sized home-made computer used to promote computer-science in schools.)

Nephew: “[Son’s name], what does a Raspberry Pi actually do?”

Son: “Well, it contains the processor and memory and all the chips needed to compute on. Then you plug in a monitor and keyboard, so you can see what you’re doing and interact with it.”

Nephew: “You have to plug a monitor in? What does the Raspberry Pi do then?”

Son: “Well, the monitor doesn’t actually do anything except show the commands the computer tells it to, the Raspberry Pi does everything; the monitor just shows you it.”

Nephew: “I don’t get it.”

Son: “Okay, you know on your computer at home, how you’ve got a keyboard, and mouse, and screen, and a big box they’re all plugged into?”

Nephew: “No?”

Sister: “Our computer is all built into the monitor.”

Son: “…huh. How about at school?”

Sister: “I’m pretty sure it’s the same there.”

Son: “D***… and you used to have a Mac, so that was all built into the monitor, too.”

(My nephew is looking more and more bewildered by the conversation.)

Son: “I know! [Nephew], you remember when you were at ours, and you were playing on my computer, and it had that big box attached to it?”

Nephew: *confused*

Son: “Y’know, the big black humming thing that glowed blue?”

Nephew: *slowly shakes head*

Son: “Oh, God… I’m trying to explain defunct technology to a younger generation. I feel so old. Now I know how dad felt trying to explain what a telegram was…”

(We have a regular who always comes in with his pet parrot. As our regular shops, the parrot sits on his shoulder and quietly chatters to himself. Since the bird is very well-behaved and the employees adore him, we allow the customer to do this. It also makes him pretty popular and gets a lot of questions.)

Me: “Oh, good afternoon, [Regular Customer]! Hi, [Bird’s Name]! Is this all today?”

Regular Customer: “Yup. That’s it!”

(While I scan, the customer behind the regular is staring intently at his bird.)

Other Customer: “Excuse me… Is that thing on your shoulder real?”

(Before either of us can answer, the parrot suddenly whirls around and leans into the other customer’s face.)

Parrot: “SQUAAAAAAWK!”

(We are talking about molecular physics.)

Professor: “Resonance explains why molecules act the way they do. Resonance is the answer to everything!”

Student: “How many cars are in the parking lot?”

Professor: “Resonance.”