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Baby Talk To Make You Balk

| Newport News, VA, USA | Right | October 28, 2013

(My neighbors have gone out for the day, and have asked me to babysit their youngest daughter, who is about two years old. I bring her to the mall so we can do a little shopping. I have her strapped into her stroller, and am pushing her around through the clothes racks. As I pause to look at some tops, a rather large customer walks past a rack, and knocks off some of the merchandise. She bends over to pick up the clothes.)

Two-Year-Old: “D***! That lady got a fat a**!”

(The customer rounds on me with a death glare.)

Customer: “What did you just say?!”

(I point at the two-year-old girl, completely mortified.)

Me: “I am so sorry! That was her!”

(The customer opens her mouth to berate me when the two-year-old girl pipes up again.)

Two-Year-Old: “D***! What a fat b****!”

(The customer stares at the little girl in shock before glaring at me again.)

Me: “She’s not mine! I’m just babysitting!” *to the child* “You shouldn’t say things like that! It’s very mean, and rude! Who taught you that anyways?!”

Two-Year-Old: “Big sister! Now buy me candy, b****!”

(I quickly wheeled her away under the glaring gaze of the customer. I didn’t babysit her ever again!)

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The Flash Versus The Flush

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Working | October 28, 2013

(My art team and I are enjoying our morning coffee as we situate ourselves in our conference room to begin the day. Typically, we have random conversations about even more random topics as we all filter into the room.)

Coworker #1: “Hey, what kind of super power would you have?”

Coworker #2: “Shape-shifting.”

Coworker #3: “Flying.”

Coworker #4: “I want to control the weather like Storm.”

Coworker #5: “I want to control people’s bowel movements so I can make them poop their pants.”

Coworker #1: “Yea… you’d be a villain.”

Coworker #5: “And you’d be sitting in your own poop right about now.”

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Trying To Repair The Sale

| Chicago, IL, USA | Working | October 28, 2013

(I am with my sister-in-law, helping her buy a used car. She decides on a car, and we sit down to negotiate.)

Salesman: “My manager says that your offer is fine, except…”

Sister-In-Law: “Except?”

Salesman: “Well, the car was hit on our lot last week, so we’re going to add the cost of the repair, so your new total is [total].”

Me: “I’m sorry; explain that to me again? You’re asking her to pay for an accident that she had nothing whatsoever to do with?”

Salesman: “Well, someone has to pay for the repairs.”

Sister-In-Law: “No!”

(As we we’re leaving the lot, my sister-in-law looks at me confused.)

Sister-In-Law: “Did that really just happen?”

(At this point the manager comes running after us, and asks us to come back to the table. She ends up getting that car for several hundred less than she originally offered.)

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The Braidy Bunch

| VA, USA | Working | October 28, 2013

(My coworker, who works in our warehouse, is a nice but very gruff, always serious guy with long hair. My other coworker, in contrast, is ditzy and can be annoying.)

Ditzy Coworker: “Hey, [Warehouse Coworker]! Come sit here and I’ll braid your hair!”

Warehouse Coworker: *annoyed* “Are you joking?! No way! Are you in high school?! I’m busy, anyway!”

Ditzy Coworker: *whines* “Whyyyyy? I just wanna braid your HAIR!”

(She pesters him over and over and he keeps saying no while glaring. A few hours pass when I don’t see either of them. At the end of the day, I see the warehouse coworker with his hair done in a braid! He sees me laughing at it.)

Warehouse Coworker: “It’s not polite to laugh.” *walks away with his braid swinging*

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How To Promote A Quitting Spree

| Long Island, NY, USA | Working | October 28, 2013

(I work for a large defense manufacturer. Towards the end of my second year, in December, I have a conversation with my supervisor.)

Me: “I think my work lately has been good enough that I deserve a promotion.”

Supervisor: “You can’t have a promotion. All the promotions for next year have already been decided on.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Supervisor: “All the promotions for next year have already been decided on. It’s company-wide. No more promotions are available.”

Me: “Do you mean that if someone was hired who was really brilliant, and who decided he wouldn’t stay unless he got a promotion, he couldn’t get it? That all the promotions for the whole company, for all of next year, have been decided on?”

Supervisor: “Yes.”

(I stare at him for a moment, trying to figure out if he believes that himself, or if he thinks I am stupid enough to believe that.)

Me: “Well, I’m glad we’ve had this talk. I think, under the circumstances, it might be best if I started over somewhere else.”

(Lo and behold, the next day he stopped by my desk to tell me my promotion was in the works!)

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