(I’m getting ready to head to my first day back at university after summer, and I’m nervous about it. My boyfriend is sleepily still in bed, but trying to give me encouragement.)

Boyfriend: “You no worry about anything; you’ll be fine. Here… take some of my confidence with you!”

(My boyfriend grabs his hair and then makes a flinging motion at me.)

Me: *teasing* “Oh, so now you’re being all nice and cute, but yesterday it was all ‘stop singing all the time’ and ‘be quiet.’ Well, I see how it is—”

(My boyfriend grabs his hair and makes the flinging motion again.)

Boyfriend: “You take some of my ‘non-moany’ too.”

(A new family moves to our church community, and I’m trying to be friendly with the oldest daughter.)

New Hire: “Do you know where I can find work?”

Me: “Hmm, we may have something at the company where I work.”

New Hire: “That’s great! I’ve worked in many different offices, so I have a lot of experience as an administrative assistant!”

Me: “No, I already do the office stuff. You’d be cleaning up in the warehouse. It’ll be gross and dirty. Maybe you don’t want to do something like that?”

New Hire: “No, I’m totally interested! I want ANY job!”

(Since she’s so enthused and adamant about getting a job, I talk to my boss and get them in contact with each other. After her interview, he hires her on the spot to start the next day.)

(I work a 6 am to noon shift. I approach my bus after 8 am.)

Me: “The new hire was supposed to come in today, right?”

Boss: “Yeah, about 30 minutes ago. I think she’s running late because of the bus.”

Me: “Yeah, probably.”

(Later…)

Me: “Do you think she got lost on the way here?”

Boss: “Can you call her?”

Me: “She doesn’t have a cell phone.”

Boss: “Well, it’s okay for her to be late today. We’re hard to find, and she’s taking the bus.”

(Later, near the end of my shift…)

Boss: “She didn’t show up at all. What if something happened to her?”

Me: “I do have her house number, but it’s not on me right now. I’ll call first thing when I get home and talk to her family.”

(Sometime after noon, I call her house as promised.)

New Hire: “Hello?”

Me: “[New Hire]? Is that you?”

New Hire: “Oh! Heh, yeah, it’s me.”

Me: “So, uh, what happened? Did you have some sort of trouble getting to the office?”

New Hire: “No, I never came.”

Me: “Why?!”

New Hire: “I have something to do later tonight, so I couldn’t come in today.”

Me: “But we work in the morning. How does that interfere with anything going on tonight?”

New Hire: “I have to get ready.”

Me: *sighs* “Whatever. Why didn’t you call the office to let us know that you weren’t coming? We were worried about you!”

New Hire: “Um… I would have, but I don’t have the number to the office. No one ever gave it to me!”

Me: “I know you have the number because I gave you the business card. [Boss] gave you one too. The number is right on the business card!”

New Hire: “Oh! Yeah, it is.”

Me: “You have to call [Boss] to let him know that you’re okay and that you just couldn’t make it in today.”

New Hire: “Can’t you tell him for me?”

Me: *really annoyed now* “No. That’s your responsibility! You were talking to him face-to-face yesterday. You could have told him that you couldn’t start today. Why didn’t you say anything then?”

New Hire: “Uh… I couldn’t tell him, because I was shy?”

Me: “Y’know, it’s common courtesy to let people know when you’re running late or can’t show up. And really, you CAN’T do that to your BOSS! That’s not professional!”

New Hire: “I’m really sorry. Can you tell him for me?”

Me: “No! You could have called earlier, but you didn’t, so you’re going to call him right now and apologize and make sure you’re still coming in tomorrow!”

New Hire: “Okay, okay, I’ll call.”

Me: “Good.”

(The next day, I ask my boss if she ever called. She didn’t! I explain to him what happened, and he fires her, if you can fire a person who has never shown up for a day of work. She did manage to get hired somewhere else, but I heard that she eventually got fired for pulling a similar stunt.)

Head Cashier: “[Coworker], you’ve failed a secret shop. [My Name], take over her register. We have to go and do the counseling and write-up.”

(All the cashiers within earshot are shocked. The coworker in question is one of the best cashiers in the store.)

Me: “[Coworker]?! No way! Are you sure you have the right cashier?”

Head Cashier: “I know, but I got her numbers from the receipt. [Coworker], you’re not going to face any disciplinary action. It’s your first time, and you only missed offering the customer the credit card.”

Coworker: “No. I’m not signing it. I want to see the tape.”

(The manager pulls the surveillance recordings. The ‘customer’ in question is a 10-year-old girl buying bottled water. Laws have just been passed protecting teenagers from credit card companies. We are legally not allowed to push one AT ALL if the customer declines and says they’re under 18.)

Coworker #2: “Hey, isn’t that [Coworker #3]’s daughter?”

(The write-up was torn up right there. The girl was too young to have a job in the first place, and definitely too young for us to legally ask her to open a credit card. She had made a tiny purchase that didn’t require us to ask her to open one, and wouldn’t have been allowed to secret shop us anyway because she was directly related to an employee. The head cashier sends a scathing letter to corporate about the incident and their choice of secret shop companies. Not long after, secret shops were discontinued altogether!)

(I’m at a restaurant where your burrito is custom-assembled as you move down the line. It’s the lunch rush, and the line is all the way to the door, but the employees are moving quickly. The three customers ahead of me have placed long, rambling orders with various special requests and asking for items to be added after they’ve already passed the station with those ingredients.)

Employee: *speaking quickly* “Hi, how are ya? What can I get for you?”

Me: “Hi! Burrito. Brown rice. Pinto beans. Chicken.” *big smile*

Employee: *stops everything and slaps the counter with both hands* “I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Do you know how much I love you? Burrito, brown rice, pinto beans, chicken. Oh man, I love you!”

Me: “Haha, thanks!”

(My burrito is now finished and I hand a printed e-gift certificate to the cashier.)

Cashier: “Whaaaaat?! You printed it?! Oh man, I love you, too! I love you, I love you!”

(The cashier has trouble scanning the barcode.)

Cashier: *jokingly* “Wait a minute. Nope. No, I don’t love you anymore. Sorry. I just don’t!”

(I am in my junior year of high school. A fellow student has just died on campus due to sudden cardiac failure. As you might expect, this is a shock to everyone, and his close friends are really torn up. It is my first class after lunch, about three hours after the student has died. A tone plays to indicate a school announcement through the PA.)

Announcement: “Due to the death of [Student Name], we have brought in counselors to assist those students struggling with the loss. The counselors are available in the library and any student can come to the library at any time.”

(Several of my fellow students get up to go to the library, as they are really shaken up.)

Teacher: “Where are you all going? The class has not ended yet.”

Student #1: “We are going to the library.”

Teacher: “I didn’t tell you that you can go to the library; now sit down!”

Student #2: “[Name] was our close friend, and we really need to go talk to someone. The announcement said we can go any time.”

Teacher: “I don’t care what the announcement said; sit down now!”

(The small group of students continue towards the door.)

Teacher: “If you leave this classroom without my permission, I will fail you all! You will not be allowed back in!”

(This has the opposite effect, as now more students get up in support of the students leaving, and then more, until the entire class is gone. The students who need it go to the library, but the rest of us go to the office. The vice principal is very surprised we are all there. We explain what happened. We are told to stay in the office until our next class, or go to the library. The next day we find out that the teacher has been suspended!)