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New Hire, New Fire

| Working | October 8, 2013

(A new family moves to our church community, and I’m trying to be friendly with the oldest daughter.)

New Hire: “Do you know where I can find work?”

Me: “Hmm, we may have something at the company where I work.”

New Hire: “That’s great! I’ve worked in many different offices, so I have a lot of experience as an administrative assistant!”

Me: “No, I already do the office stuff. You’d be cleaning up in the warehouse. It’ll be gross and dirty. Maybe you don’t want to do something like that?”

New Hire: “No, I’m totally interested! I want ANY job!”

(Since she’s so enthused and adamant about getting a job, I talk to my boss and get them in contact with each other. After her interview, he hires her on the spot to start the next day.)

(I work a 6 am to noon shift. I approach my bus after 8 am.)

Me: “The new hire was supposed to come in today, right?”

Boss: “Yeah, about 30 minutes ago. I think she’s running late because of the bus.”

Me: “Yeah, probably.”

(Later…)

Me: “Do you think she got lost on the way here?”

Boss: “Can you call her?”

Me: “She doesn’t have a cell phone.”

Boss: “Well, it’s okay for her to be late today. We’re hard to find, and she’s taking the bus.”

(Later, near the end of my shift…)

Boss: “She didn’t show up at all. What if something happened to her?”

Me: “I do have her house number, but it’s not on me right now. I’ll call first thing when I get home and talk to her family.”

(Sometime after noon, I call her house as promised.)

New Hire: “Hello?”

Me: “[New Hire]? Is that you?”

New Hire: “Oh! Heh, yeah, it’s me.”

Me: “So, uh, what happened? Did you have some sort of trouble getting to the office?”

New Hire: “No, I never came.”

Me: “Why?!”

New Hire: “I have something to do later tonight, so I couldn’t come in today.”

Me: “But we work in the morning. How does that interfere with anything going on tonight?”

New Hire: “I have to get ready.”

Me: *sighs* “Whatever. Why didn’t you call the office to let us know that you weren’t coming? We were worried about you!”

New Hire: “Um… I would have, but I don’t have the number to the office. No one ever gave it to me!”

Me: “I know you have the number because I gave you the business card. [Boss] gave you one too. The number is right on the business card!”

New Hire: “Oh! Yeah, it is.”

Me: “You have to call [Boss] to let him know that you’re okay and that you just couldn’t make it in today.”

New Hire: “Can’t you tell him for me?”

Me: *really annoyed now* “No. That’s your responsibility! You were talking to him face-to-face yesterday. You could have told him that you couldn’t start today. Why didn’t you say anything then?”

New Hire: “Uh… I couldn’t tell him, because I was shy?”

Me: “Y’know, it’s common courtesy to let people know when you’re running late or can’t show up. And really, you CAN’T do that to your BOSS! That’s not professional!”

New Hire: “I’m really sorry. Can you tell him for me?”

Me: “No! You could have called earlier, but you didn’t, so you’re going to call him right now and apologize and make sure you’re still coming in tomorrow!”

New Hire: “Okay, okay, I’ll call.”

Me: “Good.”

(The next day, I ask my boss if she ever called. She didn’t! I explain to him what happened, and he fires her, if you can fire a person who has never shown up for a day of work. She did manage to get hired somewhere else, but I heard that she eventually got fired for pulling a similar stunt.)

That’ll Cost A BUN-dle

, | Right | October 8, 2013

(I am on the headset working the drive-thru, and my boss is near me bagging orders.)

Me: “Hi, may I take your order please?”

Customer: “Yeah, what comes on your #6?”

Me: “Mayo, lettuce, and tomatoes.”

Customer: “What?! No bun?!”

(I don’t know how to react at first, and I can’t stop laughing for a second before I can respond.)

Me: “No, ma’am, it comes with the bun.”

My Boss: “You should have told her the bun cost extra.”

Get Some Up-Lifted Bras To Go With Shop-Lifted Panties

| Right | October 8, 2013

(I have just clocked out at work, and I have already changed into my street clothes. I am waiting for a manager to check my bag before I can leave, as is this is store policy. While I’m waiting, I see a customer is stooped low near a table of panties and she has her purse open. I cannot clearly see what is going on, but from experience I assume she is stealing them. She makes for the door when I speak to her.)

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those?”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those panties you just put in your purse?”

Customer: “Oh… I was just… uh… going over to the register.”

(She tries to casually change directions and head back towards the register.)

Me: “Right, well, since you have no intention of paying for them, can I have them back please?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(She looks extremely embarrassed and irritated that she got caught, but she opens her purse and pulls out the biggest wad of panties I’ve ever seen. She shoves them back onto the table.)

Me: “Thank you.”

(I watch her rush out of the door. It is not our store policy to confront shoplifters. However, I am not on the clock and therefore can say whatever I want!)

Fickle Pickle Love

, | Working | October 8, 2013

(I’m at a restaurant where your burrito is custom-assembled as you move down the line. It’s the lunch rush, and the line is all the way to the door, but the employees are moving quickly. The three customers ahead of me have placed long, rambling orders with various special requests and asking for items to be added after they’ve already passed the station with those ingredients.)

Employee: *speaking quickly* “Hi, how are ya? What can I get for you?”

Me: “Hi! Burrito. Brown rice. Pinto beans. Chicken.” *big smile*

Employee: *stops everything and slaps the counter with both hands* “I love you! I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Do you know how much I love you? Burrito, brown rice, pinto beans, chicken. Oh man, I love you!”

Me: “Haha, thanks!”

(My burrito is now finished and I hand a printed e-gift certificate to the cashier.)

Cashier: “Whaaaaat?! You printed it?! Oh man, I love you, too! I love you, I love you!”

(The cashier has trouble scanning the barcode.)

Cashier: *jokingly* “Wait a minute. Nope. No, I don’t love you anymore. Sorry. I just don’t!”

The Couple That Slays Together, Stays Together, Part 17

| Romantic | October 8, 2013

(My boyfriend is talking about a video game he has been playing recently.)

Boyfriend: “So I killed 3,000 people, but then I got bored.”

Me: “You got bored from mass-murdering people? What is wrong with you?!”

Boyfriend: “Well it took me two hours! Wouldn’t you be bored by then?”

Me: “Honey if it took you two whole hours to massacre a measly 3,000 people, then you aren’t doing it right.”

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