(I’m sprawled on the couch watching TV when my boyfriend comes over to cuddle. As he lies on top of me, he tucks his arms to his sides and stops moving.)
Me: “Are you… are you planking on me?”
Boyfriend: “I figured if I was going to try it, I should start somewhere comfortable.”
This story is part of our Cuddle roundup!
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Read the Cuddle roundup!
(My dad and I are crossing a bridge, which goes over a railway track. Two women are holding their toddler-aged children up to the railings of the bridge, obviously trainspotting.)
Dad: “Aww, that’s a nice thing to do with your kids on a Sunday…”
(I’m about to agree, when he adds…)
Dad: “Throw them over the railings and go to the pub!”
(I work at the touch tank at a local aquarium. We invite guests to dip their fingers in and stroke the aquatic life as they swim past, provided they don’t put in more than two fingers at a time so as not to overwhelm the animals.)
Me: “And over here we have lake sturgeon and blue gill, both native to our own Lake Michigan!”
Guest: “What are these?” *points to starfish tank*
Me: “Those are red knobbed starfish, ma’am. They’re native to the Indian Ocean.”
Guest: “And I can touch them?”
Me: “Absolutely! We only ask that you use two fingers at a time.”
(The guest nods and proceeds to stick her thumb and forefinger into the tank, pull the starfish out, shake the water off it, and place it in her purse.)
Me: “Ma’am! Taking the marine life out of the tank is very dangerous! Please! I’m going to have to ask that you put it back!”
Guest: “But I wanted to take it home.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s a living creature you have there. We can’t just let people reach in and take out our animals!”
Guest: “I only used two fingers!”
This story is included in our Aquarium roundup!
(I am on the headset working the drive-thru, and my boss is near me bagging orders.)
Me: “Hi, may I take your order please?”
Customer: “Yeah, what comes on your #6?”
Me: “Mayo, lettuce, and tomatoes.”
Customer: “What?! No bun?!”
(I don’t know how to react at first, and I can’t stop laughing for a second before I can respond.)
Me: “No, ma’am, it comes with the bun.”
My Boss: “You should have told her the bun cost extra.”
(I have just clocked out at work, and I have already changed into my street clothes. I am waiting for a manager to check my bag before I can leave, as is this is store policy. While I’m waiting, I see a customer is stooped low near a table of panties and she has her purse open. I cannot clearly see what is going on, but from experience I assume she is stealing them. She makes for the door when I speak to her.)
Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those?”
Customer: “Uh… what?”
Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those panties you just put in your purse?”
Customer: “Oh… I was just… uh… going over to the register.”
(She tries to casually change directions and head back towards the register.)
Me: “Right, well, since you have no intention of paying for them, can I have them back please?”
Customer: “Yeah.”
(She looks extremely embarrassed and irritated that she got caught, but she opens her purse and pulls out the biggest wad of panties I’ve ever seen. She shoves them back onto the table.)
Me: “Thank you.”
(I watch her rush out of the door. It is not our store policy to confront shoplifters. However, I am not on the clock and therefore can say whatever I want!)
