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The F-Word Is Constitutional

| Nottingham, England, UK | Learning | October 30, 2013

(Our politics class is studying for an essay on the US constitution, with our teacher trying to give us a few hints.)

Teacher: “Okay, so what else does the constitution involve?”


Teacher: “Come on! You all know this. It’s the f-word…”

(The entire class erupts into laughter. The teacher looks slightly perturbed.)

Teacher: “Now come on; mentioning the f-word can get you at least five marks.”

(The class laughs even harder. It suddenly dawns on the teacher what she has just implied.)

Teacher: “FEDERALISM! The word I was looking for was FEDERALISM! For goodness sake, don’t put the other word in your essay!”

Getting An ‘A’ In Politeness

| PA, USA | Learning | October 30, 2013

(We are about the take our first quiz of the semester. Our professor starts to hand out our quiz papers.)

Classmate: “Thank you.”

Professor: “You know, I’ve never understood why you all say ‘thank you’ when we hand out a quiz. It’s like saying thank you for the ice pick that you have to gouge your eye with.”

A Victory In Tragedy, Part 2

| Learning | October 30, 2013

Avoiding A Bioshock

| Dublin, Ireland | Right | October 29, 2013

(A customer approaches the cash desk with a console in a box.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking to trade this in?”

Me: “Sure, let me just make sure it works!”

(I open the box, only to find the entire console, wires, and control pads are covered in heavy condensation. It’s so heavy, that there are drops of water pouring down the system.)

Me: “Umm …I don’t think I can plug this in to check it.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, it’s soaking wet. Generally speaking, it’s not a good idea to combine water and electricity.”

Customer: “Ah, it’s just a tiny bit of condensation. I had it in the car overnight; that’s why.”

Me: “I still don’t think it’s safe, sir.”

Customer: “Go ask your manager; he’ll tell you it’s fine!”

(I decide to humor him, and take the console out back to the manager.)

Me: “So I’ve got this customer for trade in, and he wants me to plug this thing in and check it.”

Manager: *not looking up* “So what’s the problem?”

Me: “I think you should have a look and see what the problem is!”

Manager: *looks at the console* “Is he for real?!”

(The manager picks up the console, and it almost slips out of his hands from the liquid on the surface. He heads out to the customer and deals with him.)

Manager: “We can’t accept this for trade in. Sorry about that.”

Customer: “Ah, why not!? It’s only a tiny bit of condensation; I don’t know what the problem is!”

Manager: “Well, if you’re happy to plug in electronics that are dripping with water, be my guest, but you’ll be a candidate for the Darwin Awards if you do. I’m not happy to risk the personal safety of my employees just for a trade in.”

(The customer looks at the console again.)

Customer: “And what if I come back in 10 minutes, and it’s dry?”

Manager: “I think that’d be something of a miracle, don’t you?”

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Less Scam Artists, More Scam Finger-Painters

| CT, USA | Right | October 29, 2013

(I work in a small specialty retail shop. It is the beginning of the day, so we only have $70 in each of the two cash registers, mostly change with a handful of $5 and $1 bills. Two customers come in and browse around, getting only a few small items each. They are the first customers of the day on my register. The first one gives me a $20 bill for a $4.79 purchase. I put the bill on top of the drawer, and count the change back to her.)

Customer: “You’re giving me the wrong change. I gave you a $50 bill.”

(I haven’t closed the register, and am just putting the $20 in its slot, so I show the customer the bill.)

Me: “No, you gave me a $20 bill, right here.”

Customer: “No, I know I gave you a $50 bill.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it was a $20 bill. You’re my first customer, and this is the only $20 bill, and there are no $50 bills at all.”

Customer: “You must have put it into the safe slot.”

Me: “We don’t have one of those. Here, have a look.”

(I pull the drawer out, and show the customer the contents and the space underneath it.)

Me: “There’s no $50 bill anywhere. And no other bills over $5.”

(The customer’s friend decides to intervene.)

Customer’s Friend: “Don’t worry; it’s okay.”

(They exchange looks, and the first customer rolls her eyes.)

Customer: “Okay then, well, no point in making a scene about it.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(I check out the friend’s small purchase, who gives me a $50 bill. I give her the change and they both turn to leave. On the way out, the friend whispers to the first customer…)

Customer’s Friend: “You were supposed to let me check out first!”

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