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No Longer A Virgin Land

| Portland, OR, USA | Related | October 30, 2013

(I am about nine years old. My mom and dad are helping me to memorize the states. I get through most of the states without an issue.)

Me: “Vagina, Washington, West Vagina…”

Mom: “Yes, very… wait, what?”

Dad: “Say that again. What state was that?”

Me: “West Vagina?”

(My dad is laughing and smiling.)

Dad: “Yeah. Yeah, that’s the one. ‘West Vagina.'”

Mom: “No! Not West Vagina!”

Me: “East Vagina?”

An A-Salt To The Senses

| USA | Related | October 30, 2013

(I am 12 years old. I am home alone, and raiding the fridge for a snack. I find nothing except some takeout my dad has bought. Inside is an innocent looking burrito. I take big bite and it is the spiciest, most painful thing I have ever eaten. I gulp milk and eat ice, but the pain is getting worse. I go into the living room and scream into a couch pillow so the neighbors won’t think I’m being murdered. I hear my dad and mom enter the kitchen and open the fridge.)

Dad: “Hey, did you eat my burrito? It is spicy; am I right?”

Mom: “Huh? No, I haven’t touched any burrito?”

Dad: “Then who is home?”

Mom: “Just [My Name], I think.”

Dad: “Oh dear… she doesn’t like spicy food…”

(They finally find me in the living room, and calmly watch me roll around on the couch in agony.)

Tell It With A Straight Face

| Franklin, NJ, USA | Related | October 30, 2013

(We’re sitting around the family room. My stepfather is fond of horrible, cheesy jokes.)

Stepdad: “What was wrong with the cross-eyed teacher?”

Us: *resigned* “What?”

Stepdad: “She couldn’t keep her students straight!”

(There is much sighing and shaking of heads. A few seconds later…)

Me: “Which was why she was fired from the Catholic school.”

You Funny Kid!

| Related | October 30, 2013

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Dealing Out Meow Meow

| Seattle, WA, USA | Romantic | October 30, 2013

(My fiancé is currently giving catnip to my 14-year-old cat, who has tried to smother him on numerous occasions.)

Fiancé: *mimicking my cat* “Good human, as long as you give me the drugs, I’ll stop trying to kill you in your sleep.”

Me: “So, pretty much like every drug dealer relationship?”

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