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An A-Salt To The Senses

| USA | Related | October 30, 2013

(I am 12 years old. I am home alone, and raiding the fridge for a snack. I find nothing except some takeout my dad has bought. Inside is an innocent looking burrito. I take big bite and it is the spiciest, most painful thing I have ever eaten. I gulp milk and eat ice, but the pain is getting worse. I go into the living room and scream into a couch pillow so the neighbors won’t think I’m being murdered. I hear my dad and mom enter the kitchen and open the fridge.)

Dad: “Hey, did you eat my burrito? It is spicy; am I right?”

Mom: “Huh? No, I haven’t touched any burrito?”

Dad: “Then who is home?”

Mom: “Just [My Name], I think.”

Dad: “Oh dear… she doesn’t like spicy food…”

(They finally find me in the living room, and calmly watch me roll around on the couch in agony.)

Tell It With A Straight Face

| Franklin, NJ, USA | Related | October 30, 2013

(We’re sitting around the family room. My stepfather is fond of horrible, cheesy jokes.)

Stepdad: “What was wrong with the cross-eyed teacher?”

Us: *resigned* “What?”

Stepdad: “She couldn’t keep her students straight!”

(There is much sighing and shaking of heads. A few seconds later…)

Me: “Which was why she was fired from the Catholic school.”

You Funny Kid!

| Related | October 30, 2013

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Dealing Out Meow Meow

| Seattle, WA, USA | Romantic | October 30, 2013

(My fiancé is currently giving catnip to my 14-year-old cat, who has tried to smother him on numerous occasions.)

Fiancé: *mimicking my cat* “Good human, as long as you give me the drugs, I’ll stop trying to kill you in your sleep.”

Me: “So, pretty much like every drug dealer relationship?”

Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 5

| NY, USA | Romantic | October 30, 2013

(My fiancé and I are taking our three-year-old son apple picking at a local orchard. I am currently 19 weeks pregnant, and already showing. When we finish getting our apples, we head into the store to see what else is available. We follow another group only to realize just in time that we’re about to enter the wrong door.)

Fiancé: “Oh wait; that’s the wine-tasting room.”

Me: “Oh, well I definitely don’t need to go in there right now!”

(I gesture to my belly.)

Fiancé: “Well, [Mutual Friend] said wine is okay in the third trimester.”

Me: “A lot of studies show that a glass a day is okay, but I really don’t need to be seen chugging a glass with my preggo belly.”

Fiancé: “You don’t even look really pregnant yet. People will just think you have a beer belly.”

Me: “You’re lucky my hormones aren’t in full swing today…”

Related:
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 4
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 3
Better Have A Big Fat Apology, Part 2
Better Have A Big Fat Apology

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