(My cell phone’s ear piece has stopped working. I take it to a kiosk for the company, where they proclaim it broken, and tell me the free way to exchange it. Later, I get a $100 warranty charge on my bill.)

Me: “Hi, I’m calling about the $100 charge on my bill? I was told there was no charge if I returned the phone.”

Representative: “Well, our records indicate that we never got the phone.”

Me: “Really? Because I used the packaging and shipping label you sent me, and shipped it back within the week.”

Representative: “Oh, wait, the warehouse did get it. But there was no damage, so we charged you.”

Me: “The ear piece was broken. I couldn’t use it as a phone! And a rep at one of your kiosks told me it was broken!”

Representative: “Oh, wait, there was damage. And that’s why we charged you.”

Me: “Wait, so the kiosk lied? I was told that as long as I returned the phone, there was no fee. They told me about the exchange, and that my phone was qualified for it. And if the exchange doesn’t work for phones with damage, and it doesn’t work for phones without damage, how do you qualify!?”

Representative: “…a $100 credit will be applied to your account.”

(My boyfriend and I have been in an online relationship for almost two years now. We are both big pervs and nerds. We are both video-chatting and discussing about games to buy online, when my boyfriend makes a booby joke.)

Me: ” Um… you know, I was almost tempted to take off my top for you.”

Boyfriend: *going through his game wish-list* “Hmm, Civilization V needs ‘Direct X 11’…”

Me: “All the s*** they say about gamer boyfriends is actually true!”

(I am in my early 20s. One of my most annoying regulars has been flirting awkwardly for a while, despite my obvious discomfort, and the engagement ring on my finger. I am working alone, and there is a long line behind him, waiting to order.)

Regular: “So, I know you don’t know me that well, but would you like to go out sometime? We can catch a ball game or something.”

Me: “…I’m engaged.”

Regular: “So?”

Me: “I have a fiancé. I’m getting married in three months.”

Regular: “But you’re not married yet! C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

Me: “No.”

Regular: “Come on, one date. You’ll have the rest of your life with him. Enjoy your single life while you can!”

(A burly customer behind the regular speaks up.)

Burly Customer: “Dude, she said no. Now get the f*** out before I throw you out.”

(Embarrassed, the regular leaves.)

Burly Customer: “D*** it, I was hoping he’d try again. I really wanted an excuse to toss him out on his a**. Large latte, please.”

(My girlfriend and I are really geeky and really soppy.)

Me: “I love you immensely.”

Girlfriend: “I love you to the Andromeda Galaxy and back.”

Me: “I love you to infinity and beyond!”

Girlfriend: *giggles* “I see you more as a Woody than a Buzz Lightyear.”

Me: “I’m always woody for you!”

(I am in world religions class. Our professor is explaining how one religion relates spirituality to the Earth, and decides to use an example she figures most of us will know.)

Professor: “You know how in The Lion King, when Scar takes over, everything becomes dry and barren and there’s no more food? And then when Simba comes back, it starts to rain and everything grows again? It’s sort of like that. Evil brings evil, and good brings good.”

Student #1: “Huh, I always just thought The Lion King was trying to be Hamlet.”

Student #2: “How is it like Hamlet?”

Me: “Well, it centers around a prince, his father is killed, he finds out it was his uncle who did it, and then he goes back to avenge his father.”

Student #2: “That’s not Hamlet. That’s nothing like Hamlet!”