(My 11th grade US history teacher has a habit of carrying around a yellow plastic ball bat as he taught his class. Sometimes he twirls it like a baton, but mostly he just uses it as a pointer to call on us. On the first day of school one of the kids in the class raises his hand and points at it.)

Student: “Sir, what’s up with the bat?”

Teacher: “Oh, nothing special. Just something I like to carry with me. Comes in handy every now and then.”

Student: *puzzled* “Handy for what?”

Teacher: “Never mind, for now.”

(About three months later, the same student is falling asleep in class, despite the kids next to him trying to get him to stay awake. After waiting a few minutes, when the student is really out, our teacher quietly walks up the kid’s desk. He raises the bat and slams it down on the edge of the desk, creating a truly deafening slap.)

Student: *jumps in his seat* “GAH! Hey, man!”

(The teacher wiggles the bat. We notice that it has a few dents in it, most likely from previous swings.)

Teacher: “It comes in handy for that. Now. Where were we?”

(We are having an annual Christmas parade. It blocks a lot of traffic for about an hour. A driver pulls up to me.)

Driver: “Excuse me. I need to drive through here. I need to get out to go do some business.”

Me: “Sorry. The parade is going on right now. You can go the other direction but it’s not safe for you to go this way.”

Driver: “I have a business to run. This is a business street. If you guys want to have fun you need to go find a fun street and not have fun on our business street!”

(Our internet hasn’t been working properly for the past two days. My mum rings up the tech support.)

Mum: “Our internet isn’t connecting. We’ve already tried restarting it.”

Tech Support: “Okay. Have you looked at the online help?”

Mum: “Um… no.”

Tech Support: “Next time you should. Often that solves the problem.”

Mum: “I would, but since the problem is that my internet isn’t working, that might not help.”

Tech Support: “Oh…” *awkward silence*

(It is Christmas Eve. Everyone has had a few drinks, and is very giggly and silly.)

Mom: “Okay, I don’t think you’re allowed to have any more wine.”

Dad: “Aww! Fine, I’ll have scotch!”

(I work at a mall perfume counter. It’s close to Christmas. Many people are running around like crazy. It’s my first Christmas at this job. I’m very nervous about approaching people who look like they’re in a hurry. Two of my coworkers have already been yelled at by some hurrying customers. I see a customer, sort of casually strolling through, and decide to try her.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Would you like a sample of this cologne?”

(The customer gives me a blank look.)

Customer: “What for?”

Me: “For… well, just to smell.”

Customer: “But I’m not a man.”

Me: “Well, no. But maybe you’re looking for a last minute gift for some man in your life?”

Customer: “There is no man in my life! They’re all dead!”

(I am horrified and speechless. The customer bursts into giggles.)

Customer: “Sorry. You all just look so nervous and bored over here. I thought I’d have a bit of fun! That’s [Perfume Name], right? I’ll have four.”