(I’ve recently quit my job at a game store. I still go there to buy games periodically. I see a new guy calling people, letting them know about the current special offers.)

New Guy: “Hello? Is Mr. Smith there?”

(I hear audible yelling from the other line.)

New Guy: “I’m sorry, sir; this is [Name] from [Game Store]. I just want to let you know about some specials we have right now…”

(The new guy goes on to tell the customer the deals.)

New Guy: *after finishing the call* “Dang! I hate it when they yell at me!”

Me: “Hey, I used to work here. I highly recommend telling them who you are first before asking for them. People don’t like getting calls from people they don’t know, so if you say you’re from [Game Store] first, and then ask for the person, it should go a lot smoother.”

New Guy: “Uh, yeah, okay, I’ll try that.”

(He makes another call.)

New Guy: “Hi, is Ms. Smith there?”

(Once again, I heard audible yelling from the other line.)

Me: *facepalm*

(My wife is flying to Rome on business, and hasn’t been feeling great. She takes medicine to clear her sinuses before her flight.)

Wife: “Man, the real Sudafed has made me slightly jittery. It has, however, cleared my head RIGHT OUT. So I’m grateful.”

Me: “Good, especially right before a flight. I hope the Sudafed will make it through customs.”

Wife: “Oh, it’s fine. It’s perfectly legal and over-the-counter in Europe.”

Me: “Ah, yes, they don’t make crystal meth.”

Wife: “I think meth is a particularly American drug.”

Me: “So now we have jazz and meth as purely American things!”

Wife: “America #1!”

(I am an eight-year-old girl. My family is having dinner.)

Dad: “So, what did you learn about in school today? Anything interesting?”

Me: “Yeah! We learned in science class about sea animals!”

Mom: “Sea animals, you mean like fish and clams?”

Me: “No, like octopus!”

Dad: “And what did you learn about them?”

Me: “That they have these really long arms; the teacher called them a funny name. Tent… test… testicles!”

Mom: *nearly spits out her mouthful*

Me: “What?”

Dad: “I don’t think that’s what you meant, honey.”

(I’m surfing the net while my mom is watching TV. I glance at the TV and see what looks like a low-budget horror movie.)

Me: “What’s this?”

Mom: “I don’t know; it’s a zombie movie.”

Me: “Yeah, I see that. What is it, though?”

Mom: “I don’t know. It’s Rise of the Dead or The Walking Dead.”

Me: “BLASPHEMY! I don’t know what this is, but it’s not The Walking Dead!”

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(My girlfriend and I are both women, and are kissing and cuddling in my bedroom before I take a shower. I grab my things and begin to leave the room, only to remember that my girlfriend is in no way decent, and can be seen from the hall. We are temporarily living at my parents’ place.)

Me: “S***! Hon, find a place to hide so I can get out of here.”

Girlfriend: “Like where?”

Me: “Um… the closet! Just go in there!”

Girlfriend: “Wait… you’re putting me back in the closet?!”

Me: “You can come out in a few seconds! Just hang on!”

(I bolt out of the bedroom and then realize the joke, so I shout behind me.)

Me: “You can come out of the closet now, love!”