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The Punis

| UT, USA | Romantic | November 5, 2013

(My girlfriend and I are both female. She really likes puns.)

Me: “What’s [Girlfriend’s] favorite part about eating hot dogs? The puns!”

Girlfriend: “That makes it sound like I like penis jokes.”

Me: “You do like penis jokes.”

Girlfriend: “I’m a lesbian; all penises are jokes.”

Girlfriends

| Romantic | November 5, 2013

gf

Not To Subtract From The Situation

| TX, USA | Learning | November 5, 2013

(I am waiting in line at the check out. The customer ahead of me has just bagged their groceries.)

Cashier: “Your total is $66.14, sir.”

Customer: “I want to pay with this $100 bill, but instead of giving me change, can you put the rest on a gift card?”

Cashier: “Sure, I can do that.”

(The cashier stares at the register for a moment.)

Cashier: “Um… do you know how much that’s going to be on the gift card? I can’t find out how much your change is until you pay, and I still have to add your gift card.”

Customer: “I don’t know; just whatever is left out of $100.”

Cashier: “Let me see if there’s a calculator around…”

Me: “It’s $33.86.”

(The cashier and customer look at me uncertainly.)

Cashier: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, just put it in; you’ll see.”

Cashier: “…okay.”

(The cashier puts it in hesitantly.)

Cashier: “…hey, you were right! How’d you do that?”

Me: “I’m a teacher. I subtract from 100 every time I grade papers.”

Customer: “But you did that in your head without a calculator or anything.”

Me: “Yeah, I actually teach math, so I have to be able to do math.”

Cashier: “Wow you must have to be really smart to teach math like that!”

Me: “Um…”

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The Sound Of Silence

| OH, USA | Learning | November 5, 2013

(We have recently switched to an online curriculum.)

Teacher: “And has anyone had problems using the new curriculum?”

Student: “Most of it has worked for me, but I can’t get the sound to work.”

(There is stunned silence.)

Teacher: “This is a sign language class, [Student].”

Contains Oats, Nuts, Honey, And Death

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Learning | November 5, 2013

(I’m currently in a three-hour-long chemistry lab. In the fume cupboard next to me is a student who is really disinterested. He often leaves the lab for long stretches of time, or doesn’t show up at all, leaving his partner to scramble to finish. The lab supervisor is becoming increasingly irritated with him. I whisper in a low voice to my partner.)

Me: “I see that [Student] has vanished again.”

Partner: Yeah…oh, wait, nope. He’s over there.

Me: “Huh. Wait… is he eating?”

(Just as I say that, the lab supervisor notices him, and comes storming over.)

Supervisor: “WHAT are you doing?”

Student: “Er, eating a granola bar.”

Supervisor: “Why?”

Student #1: “…because I was hungry?”

Supervisor: “So you decided to start eating in the middle of a lab, while working with corrosive and mutagenic chemicals, while still wearing your gloves? No. Nope. Put that d*** bar away, and if I ever see you doing something like this again, you’re out of this lab.”

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