(While watching a documentary about Pizarro’s conquest of the Inca…)

Student: “How much does a llama cost?”

Teacher: “I have no idea.”

Student: “I’ll look it up on eBay…”

(I routinely chat with my boyfriend on Skype throughout the day, leaving it up when I step away to do homework so that I can read what he has written later. I leave at 8:30 or so, and I return 20 minutes later.)

Boyfriend: “Hmmm…” [8:42 PM]

Boyfriend: “My socks light on fire for a moment.” [8:43 PM]

Boyfriend: “But my pyjamas do not.” [8:44 PM]

Me: *mildly concerned* “Are you actually setting yourself on fire?” [8:52 PM]

Boyfriend: “I’m just burning all the little threads off my socks!” [8:53 PM]

(I’m having a random conversation with a girl who’s fond of me, and I’m kind of fond of too.)

Me: “I keep asking myself how you crushed so hard on me.”

Girl: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You’re smitten, and I don’t know why.”

Girl: “Because you’re wonderful.”

Me: “Wonderful enough to kill people over?”

Girl: “Ha ha. I don’t kill people.”

Me: “You won’t kill people threatening me?”

Girl: “I don’t know; I’ve never been asked that before. I’m not sure I could deal with killing someone. I might try my best to kick their a** though. Probably wouldn’t get very far; I’m not a fighter. I’ve never been in a fight in my life.”

Me: “That’s alright. As long as you can hire a hit-man, I’ll be happy.”

(My supervisor is in the process of writing his daily report of activity on the construction site. He calls one of the foremen on site for the spelling of his last name.)

Supervisor: “So it’s P-R-… D-R-… P-R-O… No? Okay then.”

(The supervisor hangs up the phone and turns to me.)

Supervisor: “There must be concrete dust in his phone. I couldn’t hear a thing he said.”

(A moment later, the foreman arrives at the field office door, goes straight to the desk and writes his name down.)

Foreman: “There! That’s how it’s spelled, ya deaf b******!”

(The foreman leaves and goes back to working.)

Supervisor: “Hey! I’m not dumb.”

Me: “…he said deaf.”

Supervisor: “Oh.”

(We both crack up laughing.)

(I work in an expensive emergency tech service firm. I am having a conversation with the IT guy for one of our clients.)

Tech: “So when is our drive going to be shipped back?”

Me: “We return the data to you once the invoice is paid. We can take credit card over the phone, or I can have the office manager email you a Paypal invoice.”

Tech: “Okay, send us a Paypal invoice and we’ll take care of it.”

(A few weeks later…)

Tech: “Hi! I was wondering if you shipped our drive back yet.”

Me: “We can’t ship it back until you pay the Paypal invoice we sent you.”

Tech: “Oh, you sent us an invoice?”

Me: “Yes, we sent a Paypal invoice to your email address two weeks ago.”

Tech: “Oh, well, I’m not sure. Can you fax us a copy?”

Me: “You want me to fax a link so you can pay online?”

Tech: “Yeah!”