(We have a very strict policy: there are only discounts on things that are marked as such by a corporate mandate, and that’s it. I’m the only register open.)

Customer: “Hi there, I noticed this lamp has some markings on it; does it get some sort of damage discount?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; everything is priced as marked. It’s not something I or even the manager can change.”

Customer: “Really? That’s lousy, but okay.”

(The customer leaves, and comes back with a new lamp.)

Customer: “I’ve got a question for you. Is it alright if I use your employee discount?”

Me: “…I’m sorry, sir; I’m not allowed to use my discount while I’m on duty.”

Customer: “What if I told you I’m related to Barack Obama? Would you give me a discount then?”

Me: “No, you would still have to pay full price.”

Customer: “You’re telling me the President of these United States of America can’t even get a discount?!”

Me: “I’m afraid [store] views everyone as equals, so no.”

(We have a screen with special offers on the wall. Customer #1 is reading the board as offers flash by.)

Customer #1: “Wait, Paris is in Europe?”

Customer #2: “Really? Where did you think it was? Asia?”

Customer #1: “I never really paid much attention in Geometry class.”

(Customer #2 starts laughing as Customer #1 realizes what she just said.)

Customer #1: “Yeah… didn’t pay much attention at all.”

(Two freshmen are walking along the sidewalk at the university, when they notice there is a car in their way.)

Freshman #1: “Dude, there’s a car on the sidewalk; what the f***?”

Freshman #2: “Whoa. That’s just crazy. Seriously, you’d only see that in Madison.”

Freshman #1: “Right? I’ve never seen anything like it.”

(The car was parked in a driveway.)

Weekly Roundup: Top 5 Funny Fall-Themed Stories! In this week’s roundup, we share five funny seasonal stories about fall/autumn!

1. A Good Chance Of A Falling Out (4,082 thumbs up)
2. A Pal-Tree Understanding Of Plants (2,171 thumbs up)
3. Window Pains (1,106 thumbs up)
4. Someone’s Been Pumpkin At The Gym (1,505 thumbs up)
5. Happy PTLBOTT Day! (2,715 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(I’m standing in line at a corner shop. The customer at the till is a typical 40-something skinhead, wearing an England football shirt. He’s harassing the cashier because of the difference between the display price of a packet of cigarettes and what he’s being charged.)

Customer: “THIS IS F****** RIDICULOUS! IT’S ILLEGAL!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir, but due to the changes in taxes, we’ve had to increase the price. We haven’t had time to change the signs yet.”

Customer: “THAT’S BULLS***! YOU’RE NOT FROM HERE! WHERE ARE YOU FROM?!”

(The cashier isn’t ethnically British, but he’s been working at the store for a few years now and is a pretty decent guy.)

Cashier: “That doesn’t matter, sir. Could you just pay for your items?”

Customer: “I SAID, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?!”

Cashier: *rolling his eyes* “Sri Lanka.”

(The customer tries to think of an insult using the tiny amount of brainpower not given over to alcohol and rage.)

Customer: “Yeah… Well… your cricket team is s***!”

(The customer then storms off after paying for the cigarettes. I go up to the register.)

Me: “Didn’t Sri Lanka just win the Cricket World Cup?”

This story is part of our “Where are you from?” roundup!

Read the next “Where are you from?” roundup story!

Read the “Where are you from?” roundup!