(We have a very strict policy: there are only discounts on things that are marked as such by a corporate mandate, and that’s it. I’m the only register open.)

Customer: “Hi there, I noticed this lamp has some markings on it; does it get some sort of damage discount?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; everything is priced as marked. It’s not something I or even the manager can change.”

Customer: “Really? That’s lousy, but okay.”

(The customer leaves, and comes back with a new lamp.)

Customer: “I’ve got a question for you. Is it alright if I use your employee discount?”

Me: “…I’m sorry, sir; I’m not allowed to use my discount while I’m on duty.”

Customer: “What if I told you I’m related to Barack Obama? Would you give me a discount then?”

Me: “No, you would still have to pay full price.”

Customer: “You’re telling me the President of these United States of America can’t even get a discount?!”

Me: “I’m afraid [store] views everyone as equals, so no.”

(A customer comes into the restaurant and buys a juice for $1.60 with a $20 bill. I’m a bit suspicious of people who pay small totals with much larger bills, as I had just been scammed that weekend and had to pay $19 to the store.)

Me: “Thank you, let me just get your change.”

Customer: “Wait, wait! I just found the change in my purse. Here’s $1.60.”

Me: “Okay, thank you. Here is your $20 back.”

(I stare at the bill I hand back to her for a full second before actually giving it back to her. I have to be sure I hand her a $20 bill, as that’s how the scam works.)

Customer: “Hey, you only gave me back a dollar.”

(As if to prove this, the customer waives a dollar at me.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am absolutely sure I gave you a $20 bill.”

Customer: “No you didn’t; take this dollar and give me my $20.”

Me: “Ma’am, I know I gave you a $20 bill. If you’d like I can pull this drawer right now and count it. If it’s over by $19, then it’s my mistake, but I am sure I gave you back your money.”

Customer: “No, no, I’m very busy.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; store policy is that I pull and count the drawer, so I’m going to go ahead and do that. It’ll take a few minutes if you want to take a seat.”

Customer: “No! I’m very busy. I have to get to work. I can’t wait for you. Just give me my $20.”

Me: “There are cameras watching this drawer. I cannot do that. I have to pull the drawer.”

Customer: “Well, you do that! I’ll be back later!”

(The customer ended up leaving the dollar she was waiving at me on the counter. My drawer was spot on plus the extra dollar she left. She tried to scam me and instead lost money! She never came back, of course.)

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(We have a screen with special offers on the wall. Customer #1 is reading the board as offers flash by.)

Customer #1: “Wait, Paris is in Europe?”

Customer #2: “Really? Where did you think it was? Asia?”

Customer #1: “I never really paid much attention in Geometry class.”

(Customer #2 starts laughing as Customer #1 realizes what she just said.)

Customer #1: “Yeah… didn’t pay much attention at all.”

(I’m a server in an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. I’m serving a party of 10 customers. Customer #1 has food allergies, and asks that her rolls not be on the same platter as the others. I pass that to the kitchen, who screw it up. Everything else she orders either gets forgotten, sent to other tables, or is delivered to the wrong people at her table, who eat them without realizing it. Some of her meal has to be reordered three times before she finally gets to eat. We’re approaching the end of the meal; the rest of her party is getting their dessert and she finally gets her meal. After she eats her ice cream, she finds a piece of plastic in her mouth. The ENTIRE table is getting upset, except, surprisingly, the customer with allergies herself.)

Customer #2: “We’d like to see the manager, please!”

(My boss comes over and says he solved all the problems when she got her meal, even though it was an hour late and didn’t include the missing orders. He also tries to convince her that the plastic is cabbage.)

Customer #2: “We think she should get her meal for free.”

Manager: “The best I can do is 15% off.”

All Other Customers: “WHAT?”

(They continue to argue with him, and I see all hopes for a tip from this group I’ve been working my butt off for disappear. He ups the offer to 20% off the $25 tab, but they aren’t biting. Finally, Customer #1, the woman whose food was the problem chimes in.)

Customer #1: “You know what, guys? Forget it. I’ll pay what he’s asking. They just lost 10 customers, though.”

(After the manager walks away, she turns to me.)

Customer #1: “Can I ask you a tactless question?”

Me: “Uh… sure?”

Customer #1: “Do you guys pool your tips or can we tip just you?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we pool them.”

(She beckons me over and gives me what amounts to a 25% tip.)

Customer #1: “That’s for you. YOU were great.”

(One after another, each member of the party comes over and sneaks bills into my apron pocket or my hand, with instructions to keep them for myself. I choke back tears. How cool was it to get an entire group that doesn’t penalize the waitress for kitchen errors!)

(Business has been slow lately due to the opening of another, candidly better pizza place across the highway, and I’ve got a pretty good idea that we’ll be going out of business soon. I go to talk to my boss about it.)

Me: “Hey [Boss], you know I see all the receipts when I close, so I’ve got a pretty good idea where we stand.”

Boss: “Yeah, it’s not been good lately. But we’ll pull through!”

Me: “Okay, but if we ever did have to close down, I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know in advance. I won’t leave you in the lurch, and I promise to stick around to help you close out, but I’d like to at least have the warning so I can figure out my next move.”

Boss: “Sure thing. I’ll give you at least a couple of weeks warning.”

Me: “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

(Literally two weeks later, I get a call from a buddy at the comic book store next door.)

Friend: “Hey, what’s with the moving van in front of the pizza place?”

Me: “What? I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.”

(I call the store. My boss answers.)

Me: “Hey [Boss], what’s with the moving truck in front of the place?”

Boss: “Oh, ah, well, after seeing the receipts for last night I knew we couldn’t keep going, so…”

Me: “So you managed to somehow decide to close down, go get a moving truck, and start taking everything out of the store all in the same day?”

Boss: “Um, yeah.”

(Irritated, I call up the other employees and we go down to make sure we get our final paychecks. The boss pays us in cash, and we part ways. A few days later, I get another call from my friend at the comic book store.)

Friend: “Hey, you should come down here. We’ve got a bunch of cops here looking for [Boss]!”

Me: “What?! Why?”

Friend: “Well, apparently when he moved out, he took the pizza oven and a bunch of other stuff with him, and they were on lease from [Pizza Chain’s] home office!”

(The pizza oven in question? It weighed over a thousand pounds and I was certain that it had no wheels. I have no idea how in the world he managed to get it out of there or who the heck would buy it!)