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The Bald And The Beautiful

| Roseville, MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I’m stocking food in one of the grocery aisles. At the opposite end of the aisle are two teenage boys and a pair of bald women customers. One of the customers has dark brown patches on her scalp and is wearing sunglasses. The other has clear skin, is wearing a nice dress and extravagant earrings. I’m a male with alopecia, so seeing young, balding people doesn’t really mystify me. The two teenage boys start to point and laugh at them.)

Teenage Boy #1: “Man, these two d***’s think they look so good! Bald b**** trying to look girly; she’d look hot if she didn’t have a nasty man head!”

Teenage Boy #2: “Look at the nasty spots on her head!”

Teenage Boy #1: “Nasty spotty b**** with her nasty lesbian friend!”

(Horrified, I start to storm over to stop this, when the customer with patchy skin whips around, mere inches from the teenage boy’s faces and speaks through gritted teeth.)

Customer #1: “I have f****** cancer! Metastatic breast cancer. I probably don’t have very long to f****** live. These ‘nasty spots’ are lesions. My best friend shaved her head to support me. She’s the best support system you could f****** ask for, and if you two have a support system in making fun of two women whose lives you don’t even know, then I’m sorry for you. So, I’ll thank you to hold off on these comments in the future, just in case the people you’re berating are either dying or about to lose someone they love.”

(The color leaves the boys faces, and they hang their heads low, while the women walk down the aisle toward me. Customer #2 turns back to them.)

Customer #2: “Oh, and even if we were bald lesbians, you still had better keep your d*** mouths shut!”

(As they walk past me, I tip my hat off to them to reveal my smooth, shiny head. The women high five me, and walk to the next aisle arm in arm.)

Pray For Her Math Students

| Asheville, NC, USA | Books & Reading, Criminal & Illegal, Money

(As the manager of a large bookstore, part of my job is to call customers who have written bad checks to arrange payment. I call one such customer. I identify myself and verify that I am speaking to the check-writer.)

Me: “I’m calling in regard to a check you wrote for $534 on [date]. It has been returned for insufficient funds, so we’ll need you to come by—”

Customer: “Oh my God! I can’t believe you’re calling me about this! I gave you the books back!”

Me: “I’m sorry? You gave them back? Did you speak to anyone?”

Customer: “Of course! I gave them to the cashier and filled out paperwork!”

(On a hunch, I search the returns for her name. She did return the books, and got a cash refund.)

Me: “Okay, I see you brought them back on [date] and got a cash refund. Is that right?”

Customer: “Yes! And you should be fired for calling me at home for no reason!”

Me: “Ma’am, you still have to pay for the bounced check.”

Customer: “What? I don’t have the books! I am not paying for books I don’t have!”

Me: “You wrote a bad check for merchandise, then returned the merchandise for cash. But the check is still worthless and has to be paid.”

Customer: “What kind of idiot are you? Listen carefully: I. Do. Not. Have. Your. Books. I gave them back and that’s the end of it.”

Me: “I’m afraid it doesn’t matter whether you have the books or not. Now, instead of books, you have our money and we still have a worthless check. You really need to take care of this, or it will be a police matter. I’m sure you don’t want me to go to the magistrate.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a thief?! If you turn me into the police, I’ll have YOU arrested for false reports! I’ll have your job for this! I am a school teacher! I teach math!”

Me: “Ma’am. I need you to follow along here. You wrote a bad check for merchandise, and then returned that merchandise for cash. That is fraud, and it is in an amount that can get you in serious trouble.”

(The customer screams about how I am trying to rob her of money, then hangs up. I phone back a few days later to give her another chance. Still furious, she sticks to her guns. I try my best but she just won’t listen or try to understand. After sending her several certified demand letters, I have no choice but to file a criminal complaint. Being over $400 it is a felony fraud charge. Not long afterward I get a final phone call from her.)

Customer: “ARE YOU THE B**** WHO SENT THE POLICE TO MY SCHOOL?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I had to turn your NSF check over for prosecution because you refused to pay. I gave you many chances to avoid that.”

Customer: “I MIGHT LOSE MY JOB! I have never been so humiliated! I’m going to sue you and your company for this! You are going to jail for what you’re doing to me!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’ve tried everything to make you understand, so do what you think you need to do.”

(Ultimately, she was found guilty and told to pay the check and fee, plus court costs. Even when the magistrate explained it to her, she refused to believe that she owed the money.)

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This One Definitely Needs Decaf

| Washington, DC, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

(I’m a customer at a popular coffee chain. I overhear the following exchange between the cashier, who has been there for years, and a customer.)

Cashier: “Hello, sir, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have a decaf latte, with caffeine.”

Cashier: “Okay… so a regular latte?”

Customer: *impatiently* “No, a decaf latte with caffeine.”

Cashier: “Sir, ‘decaf’ means ‘less caffeine.’ If you want caffeine, you want a regular latte.”

Customer: “S***, was I saying caffeine? I meant with caramel. I’m an idiot.” *loudly to the rest of the line* “Don’t be an idiot like me, people!”