(A customer brings up a skein of yarn to the register. I see she is intending to use a coupon.)

Me: “Ma’am, that coupon won’t work on the yarn because it is on clearance.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not very fair. It’s only a few cents off from the normal price, anyway.”

Me: “Actually, these are normally about $6, and it’s coming up for $2.64, so it’s cheaper than you would get using a coupon on a regular-priced one. Would you still like to buy it?”

Customer: “It’s not fair! Why can’t I get my discount!? This is ridiculous!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but we don’t give discounts on clearance items.”

Customer: “Oh, I bet you are.”

(I am becoming both annoyed and nervous that the customer is going to have a full-on meltdown over this. I attempt to sound deeply sorry.)

Me: “I cannot express how bad I feel about this, ma’am. There’s really just not much I can do here.”

(The customer suddenly starts laughing and smiling.)

Customer: “Oh, I’m sure. I still don’t think it’s fair, but thank you for having some humor about it!”

(The customer pays for her yarn and leaves. The next customer in my line has been watching the whole exchange and is just as surprised as me that things didn’t turn ugly.)

Next Customer: “Is your boss around?”

Me: “Actually, I’m the boss right now; I’m the only manager here tonight.”

Next Customer: “Oh, well I would like to compliment the crap out of you! I was going to say something pretty soon if she kept on like that!”

(I own a small coffee shop in the central business district of Auckland. It is surrounded by offices, and so our clientele are typically professional types. I am approached at the counter by a confident, well-dressed customer in a casual suit.)

Customer: “Can you help me? I’ve locked myself out of my car, and my wife has gone off shopping. My wallet is in the car. I wonder if you could let me have a sandwich and coffee until she gets back?”

Me: “Sure! What would you like?”

(I proceed to serve him. He thanks me profusely and gives me his business card. The bill is no more than $12. After an hour or so, he gets up to leave and approaches me on the way out.)

Customer: “Thanks so much! I’ll meet my wife, get into the car and come back and settle up.”

Me: “No worries!”

(The customer never returns. The sum involved was small, so I did not really care, but after a few days I sent a gentle text message reminder to the number on the business card. I thought maybe he forgot and could pay me next time he was in town. It turns out that the business card was not his. He had approached someone in the car park and given them the ‘locked out of car’ story and apologetically asked to borrow $10 to get home. He had also insisted that the good Samaritan who had given him the $10 also give him a business card so he could ‘get the money back to him.’ The guy tells me he thought it was a bit odd that the customer was so keen to get the card. After hearing this, I was both surprised and a little impressed at the fraudster’s boldness and ingenuity, but did not envy him. What a terrible way to choose to live: scamming people a few dollars at a time.)

(We offer burgers as 1/3 pound patties or 1/2 pound patties. There’s only a $1 difference between the prices.)

Customer: “What’s the difference between the 1/3 and 1/2 pound burger?”

Me: “There are 16 ounces to a pound. So, 1/2 a pound is 8 ounces, 1/3 is just over five ounces.”

Customer: “Umm…”

Me: “The recommended portion of protein for a meal is 4 ounces. So, a 1/3 pound would be right around the recommended portion; 1/2 a pound would be twice that.”

Customer: “Umm…”

Me: “Are you just a little hungry, or very hungry?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, let’s go with the 1/2 pound burger. It’s only a dollar more. If you don’t eat it all, I can box it for you and you can take it home.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to take it home. So, what’s the difference again?”

(I finally have to make completely inaccurate round shapes with my hands to convey the size.)

Customer: “I want the little one.”

(End of the meal comes…)

Customer: “I’m still hungry. Did I order the little burger, or the big burger?”

Me: “The 1/3 pound; the little one.”

Customer: “Ugh, why didn’t you tell me to order the big one?”

(I am busy cleaning the dining area. I have just removed a full trash bin from its holder, leaving the door to said holder wide open. This is to signal that there is no trash can there, so customers should try another one. As I start carrying the bin to the back, I hear the sound of a tray, disposable plates, and various sauces hitting the floor. I turn around to see a customer has tossed their trash into the empty space where the bin used to be, making a mess on the floor. The customer immediately looks at me like a kid that was caught stealing cookies.)

Customer: “The nerve of some people, making such messes like this! Shame on whoever did this!”

(The customer quickly leaves. Another customer who has seen the exchange starts laughing.)

Other Customer: “Kinda makes you lose your faith in humanity, doesn’t it?”

Me: *sighs* “Welcome to customer service, where everything is your fault and the reason doesn’t matter.”

(I work in a call center that directs calls to local benefits offices. It’s a dull job, but I try to keep positive when I greet people on the phone.)

Me: “Good morning, [Job Center] national switchboard, [Name] speaking; how can I help?”

Caller: “You sound very happy.”

Me: “Well, yes, it’s a nice day today! How can I help?”

Caller: “No one at [Job Center] is happy. You can’t be at [Job Center]! You must be a scam!”

(The caller hangs up.)

Me: “…what just happened?”