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Deaf To Reason, Part 2

| New Castle, IN, USA | Working | November 10, 2013

(I am 26 years old, and going in a restaurant with my sister. I am also deaf, so she translates for me.)

Me: *signing* “Can I have a [Brand] pizza?”

Sister: “Sure.”

(The waitress comes up, and my sister orders.)

Sister: “Can I have a chocolate milkshake and [Other Brand] pizza? And she’ll have [Brand) pizza.”

Waitress: “Okay.”

(The waitress comes back with our food. My sister soon has to go to the restroom. I am on my own when the waitress comes up. She says something and I try to sign I’m deaf, but she moves her lips again very quickly. I can’t understand what she’s saying.)

Me: *signing* “Stop!”

(What they say next is what the manager and my sister told me. The manager begins coming up from behind the counter.)

Waitress: “Oh, so you’re f****** better than everyone are you? You think you can’t say thank you, can you? You ungrateful little b****! I ought to slap you, you b****!”

Manager: “[Waitress!]”

(She proceeds to raise her fist, and I put my hands up defensively. I am completely surprised.)

Manager: “[Waitress]! Stop that! What’s she done wrong?”

(The waitress turns to the manager.)

Waitress: “I asked her if she was enjoying her meal, and she stared straight ahead! She’s ungrateful! And I bet she won’t pay a tip!”

(My sister comes out the bathroom.)

Sister: “What’s going on?”

Manager: “The waitress was about to attack this woman.”

Sister: “She’s DEAF!”

(My sister signs to me.)

Sister: “It’s okay, [My Name]; everything will be all right.”

Waitress: “Well she should get a hearing aid; not my problem.”

(We never go back there until she moves.)

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Dressed To Kill

| TN, USA | Related | November 10, 2013

(I’m at my friend’s house and helping her three-year-old daughter get dressed. I’ve just put her shoes on.)

Me: “Okay. You’re all set.”

Friend’s Daughter: *jumps up* “I’m ready to fight the bad guys!”

A New Season(ing) Of The Undead

| Buenos Aires, Argentina | Romantic | November 10, 2013

(I am talking about my zombie preparedness plan. My girlfriend is a really bad runner, and also kind of clumsy, so she wouldn’t have much of a chance against the undead.)

Girlfriend: “If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would sprinkle myself with salt and pepper.”

The Wonderful Tickle Of Oz

| CA, USA | Romantic | November 10, 2013

(For the past few days, I’ve tried to tickle my girlfriend, but she hasn’t laughed. One night after work, I barely touch her stomach and she reacts.)

Me: “Why is it that when I try to tickle you, you don’t respond, but when I don’t try, you freak out?”

Girlfriend: “Because!”

Me: “Because why?”

Girlfriend: “Because, because!”

Me: “Because, because why?”

Girlfriend: “Because, because, because!”

Me: “…because, because, because why?”

Girlfriend: “Because, because, because, because!”

Me: “…Because, because, because, because WHY?!”

(Suddenly, my girlfriend breaks out into song.)

Girlfriend:Because, because, because, because, becaaaaaaause! Because of the wonderful things he does! Bum-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-bum! We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Proof That The Cast Of Jersey Shore Are Orangutans

| Berkeley, CA, USA | Learning | November 10, 2013

(We are studying skin color. My professor is having us determine humans’ original skin color by looking at colors of our close primate relatives. She starts by pointing to a black chimpanzee.)

Professor: “Is he light or dark?”

(There is a murmur of responses.)

Professor: “Light? Did you guys just say he was light? Really?”

(She points to a picture of a very ripped actor.)

Professor: “What about him?”

Students: “Orange.”

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