(I am Scottish, and working the registers.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Pardon?”

Me: “Uh, was just asking how you were going today.”

Customer: “Wow, that’s a strong accent you have there. Are you working whilst backpacking or something?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I have lived here for the last 10 years now. Moved over here with my parents.”

(I continue scanning and packing the customer’s items, while she just stares at me blankly.)

Customer: “So, if you’ve been here so long, how come you still can’t talk properly?”

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry, ma’am?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s alright. Not your fault you’re a bit slow.”

(After finishing the transaction in stunned silence, she thanks me and leaves with her items. I look over at my supervisor who heard the exchange.)

Supervisor: “You always get the interesting ones, don’t you?”

Manager: “Where’ve you been?”

Coworker: “Toilet.”

Manager: “Again? Are you ill or something?”

Coworker: “No, but there’s no contractual maximum amount of s***s I can take in one day, is there?”

Me: “He’s got you there.”

(My wife has gone to lunch on her birthday with her dad and my parents. The waitress is taking everyone’s orders.)

Father-In-Law: “Do you guys do anything special for birthdays?”

Waitress: “Oh, who’s the lucky one?”

Wife: “That’s me!”

Waitress: “Oh, turning 15?”

(My wife’s jaw drops.)

Waitress: “…16?”

(My wife lays her head on the table.)

My Dad: “28.”

Waitress: “Oh… I’m going to go get you a very strong drink now…”

(I work for a data-mining company who polls data for vehicles. I contact a company spokesperson who we are having issues polling data for.)

Me: “Hello [Spokesperson], I’m calling from [Company] because we are having issues updating our information.”

Spokesperson: “What’s going on now?”

Me: “Well, we haven’t received anything, and it’s because of this—”

Spokesperson: “Look, this is ridiculous. Why can’t you guys do your job correctly?”

Me: “Sir, we are doing our jobs; unfortunately—”

Spokesperson: “Look, if you have a damaged car you needed to be fixed, you take it to the service manager to get it fixed. If the service manager hasn’t had it worked on, that’s the service manager’s fault.”

Me: “I agree; however, if your parts manager isn’t ordering parts for your service manager to do his job, how can you blame the service manager?”

(The company spokesperson pauses for a few moments.)

Spokesperson: “Well, d***, I didn’t think of that way. Let me help you.”

Me: “Great, here is what we should do…”

Me: “Hi there, [Company Name], [My Name] speaking; how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need some information about my GPS; can you transfer me?”

Me: “Well what kind of information are you looking for?”

Customer: “Oh, can you help me? It’s a little embarrassing.”

Me: “That’s okay; I’ll do my best.”

Customer: “Okay, you know when you turn it on and it loads up and there’s a map?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “Well, there’s this little arrow that’s pointing, and I don’t know where it’s pointing to. It’s not pointing north; it’s just all over the place.”

Me: “Is it pointing the direction you’re facing?”

Customer: “What? No. I mean it’s just pointing. I’ve looked up tutorials online and everything. No one seems to have this issue.”

Me: “Is it pointing off the edge of the screen? Have you entered a destination?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, does the arrow spin when you turn around?”

Customer: “Yes! I don’t understand!”

Me: “Well then, it’s telling you what direction you’re facing.”

Customer: “What? I don’t understand.”

Me: “Let’s see. How can I explain this? If you were at a crossroad—”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand! I’m in my living room and it’s pointing due east!”

Me: “Are you facing due east?”

Customer: “Oh, why yes I am! Thank you so much! You have a nice day now.”