(I’m about seven years old. My parents and I are at a restaurant. The waitress comes to take our order, starting with my mother.)

Waitress: “What you would you like, ma’am?”

Mom: “Steak, please.”

Waitress: “And how would you like that prepared?”

Mom: “Medium rare.”

Waitress: “Sir, what would you like?”

Dad: “Steak for me, too.”

Waitress: “How would you like it?”

Dad: “Well done, please.”

Waitress: “Young lady, what would like?”

Me: “A hamburger.”

Waitress: “And how do you want it?”

Me: “On a bun.”

(My coworker, who works in our warehouse, is a nice but very gruff, always serious guy with long hair. My other coworker, in contrast, is ditzy and can be annoying.)

Ditzy Coworker: “Hey, [Warehouse Coworker]! Come sit here and I’ll braid your hair!”

Warehouse Coworker: *annoyed* “Are you joking?! No way! Are you in high school?! I’m busy, anyway!”

Ditzy Coworker: *whines* “Whyyyyy? I just wanna braid your HAIR!”

(She pesters him over and over and he keeps saying no while glaring. A few hours pass when I don’t see either of them. At the end of the day, I see the warehouse coworker with his hair done in a braid! He sees me laughing at it.)

Warehouse Coworker: “It’s not polite to laugh.” *walks away with his braid swinging*

(I work at a small, boutique hotel. At about 6:15 am, a guest comes up to the desk to check out.)

Me: “How was your stay, ma’am?”

Guest: “Great!”

Me: “I see that there was a cash deposit on the room. Unfortunately, as you were told at check-in, we are not able to process the deposit at this time, as it is locked in the safe, and the person who can open it will not be here until 9 am. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

Guest: “That’s unacceptable! I can’t believe you are refusing to give me my money! I am going to complain to Corporate. Now give me my money!”

Me: “I am sorry, but I as I just explained to you, I am unable to do that at this time.”

Guest: “I don’t care! What a rip-off! You will give me my money now! I am not coming back to this h***-hole!”

Me: “No problem; we will send a check to the address we have on file.”

Guest: “That’s not acceptable! I demand you f****** crooks give me my money!”

(This goes on for another 10 minutes; every time I try to explain the issues, she cuts me off. Finally, I have had enough.)

Me: *firmly* “Madam! If you would allow me to finish, the only guest we have on record for that room is a 32-year-old man. Is Mr. [Name] with you?”

Guest: “No! He said I could get it for him. Now give me my money!”

Me: “In that case, ma’am, I’m afraid you just don’t get it.”

Guest: ” Listen, fat-a**. Give me my money, or I’ll break your face!”

Me: “We have no authority to let anyone besides the registered guest receive those funds, after the room has been inspected, and the safe has been opened. Now, this conversation is over! Please leave the property before I call the police to have you removed.”

(My boss has just come in, and he also orders her off the property. When she tries to go after him, he instructs me to call 911. We finally get her to leave before the police arrive. My boss turns to me.)

Boss: “You’re too patient! She’s probably a hooker trying to score herself a tip! Call 911 first next time!”

(My boyfriend likes to watch movies before he goes to sleep. I am searching for my PJs in the bedroom. I hear my boyfriend muttering as I lean over, looking in a drawer.)

Boyfriend: “You overweight glob of grease…”

(I bolt up with my eyes narrowed.)

Me: “What did you just say?”

Boyfriend: “Huh?”

Me: “What… did… you… just say?”

(My index finger is pointing and he has a look of abject terror.)

Boyfriend: “You overweight glob of grease?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

(He points to the laptop.)

Boyfriend: “C3PO, calls R2 an overweight glob of grease…”

Me: “Nu-uh.”

Boyfriend: “YES!”

Me: “Rewind it; you’d better hope he does.”

(He rewinds the movie.)

C3PO: *to R2-D2* “You overweight glob of grease.”

(I said I was sorry for snapping, but he hasn’t paraphrased that part of the movie since!)

(The roof of my back porch is collecting rain, so my dad and my brother help me make it more sloped to let the water drain off. I’m telling my mum about it.)

Me: “We fixed the porch.”

Mum: “Oh good, did you shorten the posts?”

Me: *sarcastic* “No, we raised the house.”

Mum: *serious* “Really? How did you do that?”