(It’s a new relationship, and it’s our first time having sex. We’ve been hitting a few snags, but we’re treating it with humor and patience. After a lull, we decide to try again.)
Me: “Once more unto the breach!”
Boyfriend: “Did you just…?”
Me: “Quote Shakespeare in bed? Yes, I did.”
Boyfriend: “You’re amazing!”
(We high-five and keep going.)
(My boyfriend likes to watch movies before he goes to sleep. I am searching for my PJs in the bedroom. I hear my boyfriend muttering as I lean over, looking in a drawer.)
Boyfriend: “You overweight glob of grease…”
(I bolt up with my eyes narrowed.)
Me: “What did you just say?”
Boyfriend: “Huh?”
Me: “What… did… you… just say?”
(My index finger is pointing and he has a look of abject terror.)
Boyfriend: “You overweight glob of grease?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
(He points to the laptop.)
Boyfriend: “C3PO, calls R2 an overweight glob of grease…”
Me: “Nu-uh.”
Boyfriend: “YES!”
Me: “Rewind it; you’d better hope he does.”
(He rewinds the movie.)
C3PO: *to R2-D2* “You overweight glob of grease.”
(I said I was sorry for snapping, but he hasn’t paraphrased that part of the movie since!)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]; my name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, I’d like to go over my bill; it’s higher than normal! Why are you double charging me!?”
Me: “All right, let me pull up the bill and I’ll help you with that. I see here that we have voice overage of 347 minutes totaling $138.80. Add that to your regular bill and the taxes involved and that’s why it’s so high. Would you like me to increase your plan allowance to prevent this in the future? I see based on an analysis of your account that this seems to be happening every mo—”
Caller: “No, I want you to credit that back to me! I’ve been with [Company] for 30 years! You owe me at least that for all the money I’ve spent for your services.”
(I note that she’s been with us for nine months, the last six of which she has gone over her allowance, and the last five of which she has received a credit for. Based on notes, it was because she was persistent and demanding and it was done to get her off the phone.)
Me: “Ma’am, I understand how frustrating this can be; however, in the last five months you have received credits for your overages. You’ve been advised of how to know when you’re going over, and based on that, it’s only $20 more for the next tier of minutes. Considering your overages, I’d be willing to rerate you as if you had been on that plan and issue a credit back, except for the increased minutes, but this will be the last credit issued on the account for overages.”
Caller: “No, I don’t want to pay for that other plan! I’m not increasing it! Oh, for crying out loud, hold on!”
(In the background I can hear her clearly working at a clothing store.)
Caller: *to someone else* “Oh, these shirts are buy two, get one free, so if you grab another, one of these will be free. Mm-hmm! Okay, bye-bye!”
(The customer then returns to our call.)
Caller: “Okay, so I want you to credit the overages back for me, but I’m not going to increase my plan.”
Me: “Ma’am, I couldn’t help overhearing, but you have a deal going on at your store?”
Caller: “Oh, yes! You can buy two shirts and get a third free! It’s really a great deal!”
Me: “So, if I came up to the counter and put four shirts on the counter, how many would you charge me for?”
Caller: “Well, three of them of course.”
Me: “But I only want to pay for the two.”
Caller: “You’d have to get another shirt and then you can get a second free, but the deal only comes with one free shirt for every two you buy.”
Me: “Just like your plan; it comes with 450 minutes. You want the other 347 for free, but that’s not included in the deal. So if you want those minutes, you have to pay for them.”
Caller: “You’re just trying to trick me!”
Me: “Not at all, ma’am; I’m just explaining it another way. Your deal is that two shirts get you one free. Your cell phone plan is 450 minutes included, but anything else is overage… but if you go to the 900 minute plan, it’d be $20 more, and save you money because you would get those extra minutes you’ve been charged in overage included. So ,your option is this: increase the plan, or no credit. At all. You’ve been credited five months straight, but I am not going to issue a penny unless you take action to prevent further overages.”
Caller: “GET ME YOUR MANAGER! YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE IS TERRIBLE! I HOPE THE TALIBAN KILLS YOUR FAMILY!”
Me: “Really? You’re going to threaten my family because you refuse to take responsibility for your own overages? Sure, here’s my manager.”
(My manager has been listening because as soon as the caller started screaming I had flagged him over. He takes over.)
Manager: “Ma’am, I am from Iran. I watched the Taliban kill my two sons because they wouldn’t join. You want me to issue a credit after making that kind of a threat? No. I’ve flagged your account. You will receive no further credits. Pay your bill through the automated system before the fifteenth to avoid a late fee, which also will not be credited. Goodbye.”
(The manager hangs up on the customer without another word, and turns to me.)
Manager: “Go on break.”
(The customer called in twenty more times before she finally cancelled her services due to discrimination claims, stating that my manager and I threatened to come to her store and beat her up if she didn’t pay. The charges were overturned after the call was reviewed.)
(I work at a small, boutique hotel. At about 6:15 am, a guest comes up to the desk to check out.)
Me: “How was your stay, ma’am?”
Guest: “Great!”
Me: “I see that there was a cash deposit on the room. Unfortunately, as you were told at check-in, we are not able to process the deposit at this time, as it is locked in the safe, and the person who can open it will not be here until 9 am. I apologize for the inconvenience.”
Guest: “That’s unacceptable! I can’t believe you are refusing to give me my money! I am going to complain to Corporate. Now give me my money!”
Me: “I am sorry, but I as I just explained to you, I am unable to do that at this time.”
Guest: “I don’t care! What a rip-off! You will give me my money now! I am not coming back to this h***-hole!”
Me: “No problem; we will send a check to the address we have on file.”
Guest: “That’s not acceptable! I demand you f****** crooks give me my money!”
(This goes on for another 10 minutes; every time I try to explain the issues, she cuts me off. Finally, I have had enough.)
Me: *firmly* “Madam! If you would allow me to finish, the only guest we have on record for that room is a 32-year-old man. Is Mr. [Name] with you?”
Guest: “No! He said I could get it for him. Now give me my money!”
Me: “In that case, ma’am, I’m afraid you just don’t get it.”
Guest: ” Listen, fat-a**. Give me my money, or I’ll break your face!”
Me: “We have no authority to let anyone besides the registered guest receive those funds, after the room has been inspected, and the safe has been opened. Now, this conversation is over! Please leave the property before I call the police to have you removed.”
(My boss has just come in, and he also orders her off the property. When she tries to go after him, he instructs me to call 911. We finally get her to leave before the police arrive. My boss turns to me.)
Boss: “You’re too patient! She’s probably a hooker trying to score herself a tip! Call 911 first next time!”
(I work in a popular sandwich shop on the main strip of our town. Every once in a while, we run certain deals.)
Me: “Hey there! What can I make for you this evening?”
Customer: “I want a foot-long ham. That’s part of the deal, right?”
Me: “No, just [sub #1], [sub #2], and [sub #3].”
Customer: “Okay. I’ll get a meatball.”
Me: “That’s not one of the deals.”
Customer: “It’s fine, whatever.”
(I should note that our town has quite a few homeless people. Most of them are quite friendly and always come in and buy things. One of the nicer ones is drinking a coffee at the front of the store. I finish making the sandwich and ring the guy in.)
Me: “So that’ll be [price].”
Customer: “WHAT!? I don’t want it if it’s not part of the deal! You told me it was part of the deal!”
Me: “I told you explicitly that it was not part of the deal.”
Customer: “Well I don’t even want it!”
(The customer drops the sandwich on the counter, and I turn to the regular homeless man.)
Me: “Hey [Name], you want a free meatball sub?”
Homeless Regular: “Heck yeah!”
(The customer grumbles about wanting free food, and scurries off.)
