(I’m about two years old. My father works in a butcher’s shop with a young black man. He greets me the same way every time I see him, with a fist-bump, and then he says:)

Father’s Coworker: “Yo, lil’ [n-word], sup?”

My Mom: “Could you please not teach her that word?”

Father’s Coworker: “It’s cool, Mrs. J. She’s too young to understand what I’m saying anyway.”

(We come into the shop another day, and I see my father’s coworker working behind the counter. I begin bouncing in my seat to go see him. My mother ignores me, until I furiously point my fist in his direction and begin indignantly shouting:)

Me: “[N-word]! [N-word]! [N-word]! [N-word]!”

(The entire shop glares at my very red-faced mother!)

(My 17-year-old cousin has brought her boyfriend to a family party. Most people still think she’s really innocent.)

Younger Cousin: “If you get pregnant at my school, they kick you out!”

Cousin: “Well you’re 14. Don’t worry about getting pregnant for another 10 years.”

My Mom: “How about you?”

Cousin: “Well… I’m a senior, and then college, so maybe five years?”

My Sister: “What about me?”

Cousin: “Absolutely not. Use a condom. They’re [price] for a 12-pack at [Store]. That’s including tax.”

My Mom: “And how would you know this?”

Cousin: “Uh…”

My Mom: “And a 12-pack?”

Cousin: “Bye!”

(I hide in my boyfriend’s chest.)

Boyfriend: “Well… at least we’ll always be prepared?”

(I am at the work Christmas party. Everyone is allowed to bring a ‘date’ and also their kids, if they like. One coworker brings his sister who was visiting, and his nephew who is around six years old. We are at a buffet restaurant that specializes in Chinese food. The place is packed. My coworker has a scoop of octopus salad on his plate, and is teasing his nephew with the tentacles.)

Coworker: “C’mon, try it!”

Nephew: “NO!”

Coworker: “I ate it! What are you, chicken?”

Nephew: “I don’t want to—”

Coworker: *chicken noises* “Buck buck buck!”

(The nephew shouts back so that the entire restaurant can hear.)

Nephew: “UNCLE! I AM NOT GOING TO EAT YOUR TESTICLES!”

This story was included in our Chinese Restaurant Roundup.

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(My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a few days, but he’s driving me up from Indiana University to Purdue University for a tournament.)

Me: “Purdue has the Neil Armstrong building. He was a student there.”

Boyfriend: “Really? That’s cool!”

Me: “Yep. My grandma was sorority sisters with his first wife. She was a bridesmaid in their wedding.”

Boyfriend: “Oh wow! It must have been a real bummer with all the drugs then.”

Me: “…that was Lance Armstrong.”

Boyfriend: “Oh my god… I can’t believe I just did that!”

(We’re on a bus heading into the city, and are passing through an area where we regularly go shopping.)

Me: “Oh, they have a sale on at [Store]! It must be an opening sale; I’ve never seen it there before!”

Boyfriend: “What do you mean? I’ve taken you there before!”

(I have no recollection of this. We playfully get into a ‘no you haven’t,’ and ‘yes I have’ argument, when a little old lady sitting behind us chimes in.)

Little Old Lady: “Don’t bother arguing with her dear; you’ll never win with women!”

Me: “That’s right; listen to your elders!”