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Acting A Bit Cracked With The Eggs

| Raleigh, NC, USA | Related | November 15, 2013

(I’m watching my three-year-old niece, and I’ve just made her some lunch of spam and eggs.)

Niece: “Can I eat the baby egg with my fingers?”

Me: “Sure.”

Niece: “This one is Mommy…” *eats it* “…and this one is you, and Uncle David, and Auntie Cat.”

(I watch her speechless, as she proceeds to eat us all.)

Police Are Trying To Ketch Them

| FL, USA | Related | November 15, 2013

(I am 19, and my sister is 9. I need to get something from the grocery store where I work, and I take her with me. The store is pretty empty, and one of my coworkers yells over to me about a recent shoplifter.)

Coworker: “Yeah, they stole a bunch of condoms!”

Sister: *to me* “Why would people steal ketchup and mustard?”

Actually, Food Is The Food Of Love

, | Rexburg, ID, USA | Romantic | November 15, 2013

(I have been on a couple of dates with a guy, and we spend a lot of time hanging out, but he hasn’t officially asked me to be his girlfriend. We are getting food at a fast food place and I’m ordering.)

Me: “I’ll just have [meal].”

Employee: “It’ll be [price].”

Him: “I’ve got this; I’ll pay.”

Me: “No. I can pay for myself!”

Him: *shocked* “What? Why?”

Me: “I am perfectly capable of paying for myself. Besides you aren’t my boyfriend, because we aren’t officially dating.”

Him: “What? What do you mean we aren’t dating?”

(The employee is standing there super awkwardly.)

Me: “You never actually asked me to be your girlfriend, so I get to pay for my own food.”

Him: *frustrated* “Fine! Will you be my girlfriend?”

Me: “Yes.”

Him: “Good! Now I’m paying for your food!”

(The super-confused employee takes the card, and doesn’t say anything for the rest of the transaction.)

Sweet Talking About Talking

| ON, Canada | Romantic | November 15, 2013

(My new boyfriend and I are at our high school football game. We are standing at halftime, and he doesn’t talk much due to his lisp. When he does, people don’t mind.)

Me: “To tell the truth, I’m slightly jealous of you.”

Boyfriend: “Why?”

Me: “Because when you talk, people don’t care about your speech impediment.”

(Note: I have a very strong stutter that I have managed to control when I’m calm, but is always there when my heart elevates.)

Boyfriend: “You don’t have a lisp though.”

(My heart is starting to race, since I haven’t told anyone about the stutter.)

Me: “I-I-I-I do, I do, I do have a stutter though. It’s, it’s, always there when I’m nervous most-mostly.”

Boyfriend: “Aww! You sound so cute!”

Me: “Well, same to-to-to-to-GAH! I hate this!”

Boyfriend: “If we combine us, the result will be a highly intelligent, attractive person, who is highly social, but then speaks and sounds like an adorable five year old!”

Fun In A Collar-Less World

| GA, USA | Romantic | November 15, 2013

(My husband and I haven’t yet gotten around to dressing after a shower. Earlier, we gave the dog a bath, so she is sans collar. Just as I lie down for a promised back rub, my husband suddenly leaps to his feet.)

Husband: “Kitty!”

(He removes the cat’s collar.)

Husband: “Now everybody’s naked!”

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