(I am finishing ringing up a sale for a customer. The final step on the signature pad is to confirm the transaction total.)
Me: “Okay, sir, just say ‘yes’ to confirm the total on the signature pad and I’ll get you your receipt.”
(The screen on the pad has two buttons: one reading ‘yes’ and one reading ‘no.’ The customer leans down with his mouth close to the pad and shouts…)
Customer: “YES!”
(While decorating the house for Halloween, I accidentally tear a piece of skull off of a paper skeleton I’m hanging up. I tell my sister what happened.)
Sister: “How could you? The poor skeleton!”
Me: “Don’t skull-d me!”
Sister: “…no, [Name].”
Me: “Hey, no bones about it!”
Sister: “No. Just stop.”
Me: “Gosh, why are you being so sternum about this?”
Sister: “I just don’t find this very humerus. It doesn’t tickle my funny bone.”
Me: “Well, you receive the ulna-riffic for biggest killjoy!”
Sister: “Okay, that was a bit of a stretch.”
Me: “Hey. Stretch is a muscle pun! Get it right!”
(I’m a temp at a bookstore at the local university with less than a week until classes start.)
Me: “Thank you for calling the text department; how may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, do I have to be with my son when he picks up his textbooks?”
Me: “No, ma’am. If he ordered them online, he can pick them up at—”
Caller: “No, he hasn’t ordered them yet.”
Me: “Well, ma’am, if he has his class schedule, he can come in to the bookstore to get his books.”
Caller: “Are they ready for him?”
Me: “…excuse me?”
Caller: “Isn’t that what you do? You get all the students’ book lists and put their books together for them!”
Me: “No, ma’am. We’re just here to help if the student needs help.”
Caller: “So now I have to come in and get my son’s books?!”
Me: “No, ma’am. He can get his own—”
Caller: “You are a GROSS WASTE of my time!”
Customer: “Excuse me, miss; could you help me?”
Me: “Sure, what do you need?”
Customer: “Could you change the price on this syrup? The unit price is $6.66, and I don’t want to buy the devil’s syrup.”
Me: “I don’t think we can change the price at the store level. And I’m not sure that’s a valid reason to change a price.”
Customer: “It doesn’t have to be much. Even just a penny would be fine. Could you ask your manager?”
Me: “Ma’am, I really don’t think we can change the price on a national brand item. We have other kinds of syrup that are just as good if the unit price of that brand bothers you.”
Customer: “No! I want that brand! I only eat that brand! And I want you to lower the price of that brand!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
Customer: “I’m never shopping at this devilish place again! Everyone who works here is going to go straight to Hell for associating with the devil!”
Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”
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(This happened when the ‘Star Trek Experience’ was open in Vegas. One of the gimmicks were they had actors dressed as the franchise’s iconic aliens walking around the hotel.)
Me: “Excuse me; my son is asking for a picture with the Borg drones that were in the lobby earlier. Do you know where they went?”
Receptionist: “Hmm, if they aren’t on the floor then they’re probably participating on one of the rides.”
Me: “Well do you know when they’ll be back? I mean are they on a rotation to come out, or do they just walk around aimlessly whenever they aren’t needed?”
(The receptionist gives me a funny look.)
Receptionist: “Sir, they’re the Borg. Walking around aimlessly is kind of what they’re known for.”
(I stare blankly for a moment.)
Receptionist: “Sorry, I just couldn’t let that one slip.”
Me: “No, no that was actually pretty good.”
(We eventually did manage to snag the drones after they reappeared, and specifically asked the receptionist to join us in the photo.)
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