(All week long, we’ve been giving away tickets to a concert on Saturday night. As our offices close at noon, I’ve been telling all the concert winners to be at the station before noon on Friday to pick up their tickets. I duck down to the station on Saturday morning to do some paperwork I’d fallen behind on, when the phone rings…)

Caller: “Yeah, I just want to say you’re all a bunch of lying jerks! I won tickets to the concert tonight, and the stupid DJ said I had to come to the station AFTER noon on Friday to pick them up, and you were closed!”

Me: “Are you sure, ma’am? I was the one giving away the tickets all week, and I was certain I told all the winners BEFORE noon on Friday.”

Caller: “ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR? YOU SAID AFTER NOON ON FRIDAY! And I really wanted to go to this concert, too! You are the worst station ever for lying to your listeners like this!”

Me: “Well, I have no doubt that some kind of miscommunication took place, and for that, I do apologize. But, you’re in luck. Because I’m here today putting in some overtime, you can come down to the station right now and pick up your tickets!”

Caller: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Yeah. The concert isn’t until tonight, and I’ve got nothing else to do today. I can gladly wait down here at the station for you to come get your tickets today.”

Caller: “What? No… no… I live outside of town, and I didn’t want to come back into town today.”

Me: “Oh, um, okay. I feel really bad about you not getting your tickets, so how about this: I’m just about done here. How about then if I hop in the company truck, and deliver the tickets to you?”

Caller: “What? No! No. I live really far away, and I don’t want you to go through all that trouble.”

Me: “As I said, ma’am, I’ve got nothing else to do today, and I’ve got a full tank of gas. Where do you live?”

Caller: “No! Don’t go through all that trouble. I’m just disappointed because this was the first time I’d ever won anything.”

Me: “Okay, then, how about this: on Monday morning, I’ll talk to my boss and see if we can arrange some kind of alternative prize. It won’t be time sensitive, like tickets, so you’ll be able to come down and pick it up whenever you like.”

Caller: “No! Stop going through all this trouble for me!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m at a loss. I’m very sorry for the miscommunication that’s caused you to miss out on your concert. I’ve offered everything within my power to make it up to you, and you said no to everything. What can the station do to make this up to you?”

Caller: “Well… I… um… bah! I wasn’t expecting anyone to actually be there working today! I just wanted to leave an angry voice mail complaining about the situation!”

Me: “Would you like my boss’s voice mail so you can still make your complaint?”

Caller: “Well, no! Not now. You’ve tried so hard to make it up to me, that it wouldn’t seem right.”

Me: *sighs* “I’m transferring you to my boss’s voice mail.”

(On Monday morning, after hearing the voice mail and listening to my tale, the boss actually reamed me out for being patient with her beyond human reason!)

(A customer with rather large breasts approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me; can you help me please?”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. What can I help you find today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for books about plastic surgery.”

Me: “Ah, I see. Well, let’s just look on the computer and see what we can come up with. Do you have a particular area you’re interested in reading about?”

Customer: “I bet you can’t guess!”

Me: “I wouldn’t want to be forward!”

Customer: “Well, breast reduction surgery, then. Shy, aren’t you?”

Me: “Just a little, yes. Let’s see what I can find.”

Customer: “I’m always having back problems! These are just too big; I want to see if I can get them smaller.”

Me: “It’s probably best to check with a doctor first, but maybe we can find something that will help you know what questions to ask.”

Customer: “Well, don’t you agree they’re too big?”

Me: “Er, again, I wouldn’t like to be forward.”

Customer: “Oh, come on. You can touch them and see how big they are for yourself!”

Me: “WHAT!”

Customer: “C’mon, touch ’em!”

(The customer reaches for my wrist.)

Me: “No, that’s okay!”

Customer: “TOUCH MY PUPPIES!”

Me: “Let me see if I can find someone more experienced with this.”

Customer: “Why won’t shy guys touch my breasts!?”

(I have a fairly disproportionately large chest about which I am a touch self-conscious.)

Me: “I shouldn’t have worn this shirt like this. It makes my boobs look huge.”

Boyfriend: “No it doesn’t.”

Me: “Really?”

Boyfriend: “No, your boobs make your boobs look huge.”

(I have numerous health problems, and have to take 10 different prescription medications. Because of the risk of drug interactions, I don’t take as much as a vitamin without running it past a pharmacist. I’m in the pharmacy to buy an over-the-counter drug allergy tablet.)

Me: “Before I get that, I’d like to speak to the pharmacist please.”

Assistant: “The pharmacist is very busy. What’s the problem?”

Me: “I take several prescription drugs. I’d like to make sure this tablet’s not going to cause a bad interaction.”

Assistant: *rolling eyes* “I shouldn’t think it would.”

Me: “I would like to speak to the pharmacist, please.”

Assistant: “The pharmacist is very busy. I’m sure I can answer your questions.”

Me: “I’m concerned about drug interactions and I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE PHARMACIST, PLEASE.”

Assistant: “Well, it’s just Lipitor or something, isn’t it? That’s no problem.”

(Instead of answering, I place on the counter the bag I carry my meds in; I bring it to new pharmacies so there’s no possibility of mistaken dosages or anything forgotten. I open the bag and begin to take out my various medications, including the injectible, and the ones plastered with warning labels. The assistant’s eyes get bigger with each new box.)

Assistant: “…I’ll just go get the pharmacist.”

Me: “You do that.”

(It is my day off, but have to go into work to pick up some milk. On my way in, I notice several large signs on the doors informing customers that the debit/credit machines are down. As I stand in line, I hear customer and my coworker arguing.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous! You should really put up a sign if your machines are going to be down.”

Coworker: “There are signs on all the doors.”

Customer: “Well I didn’t see them; you people should make them bigger!”

Coworker: “They’re on all the doors, and are quite lar—”

Customer: “They should be BIGGER!”

Coworker: “Well how big do you need them, ma’am?”

Customer: “BIGGER!”

(At this point the woman throws her things on the counter and storms out, flipping off my coworker in the process.)

Coworker: “I think it’s break time.”