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Police Work Is Child’s Play, Part 2

| Ashland, OH, USA | Working | December 27, 2013

(I am in a retail store with my boyfriend looking for something for my 25th birthday. We are holding hands most of the time. At the till, I see a cashier watching us.)

Cashier: “Okay. That’s $10.” *my boyfriend pays* “Thanks.”

Me: “[Boyfriend], I feel tired. Can we go to the car?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah. Of course, sweetie.”

(He goes. I see the cashier smiling at me.)

Cashier: “You want to buy anything else? Make-up? Music CDs? There’s some skinny jeans 70 percent off.”

Me: “No, thanks. My boyfriend and I just want to go.”

Cashier: “Boyfriend?”

Me: “Yeah?” *nervous* “Are you hitting on me?”

Cashier: *alarmed* “No! No.”

(I think nothing of it. A little way down the street I see a police car behind us. My boyfriend pulls over and to our surprise, the car stops behind us.)

Boyfriend: “Is the tail light out?”

Officer #1: “Sir, could you step out, please?”

Boyfriend: *confused* “Sure.”

Officer #2: *to me* “I just need your name, miss.”

Me: “What’s going on? I promise, we weren’t drinking or anything, I just want to know why my boyfriend’s been pulled over.”

Officer #2: “It’s nothing to worry about. You’re safe.”

Me: “Wait, what—”

Officer #3: “[Officer #1]!”

(I see out the rear mirror the officer has picked up our shopping. Inside the shopping bag are magazines, both fashion and car, alcohol, little packets of cookies, cookie mix, and condoms. Also inside are some birthday candles, which the officer is holding. I hear the first officer shout at my boyfriend, but I can hardly work any out.)

Officer #1: “YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER! Get in the car now!”

Boyfriend: “Look, I…”

Officer #1: “DO YOU REALISE HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU’RE IN? I’m taking your phone and when we get to your house. We’re taking your laptop and any other evidence at the house. We also need to contact this girl’s parents. If they’re covering for you, that’s sick.”

Me: *to officer #2* “What’s going on? Why is he being arrested? Has he done something?”

Officer #2: “It’s okay now, [my name]. I need to ask you some questions. They may not be nice, but I need an answer.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I see my boyfriend being taken in the police car and driven away. I begin to get tense and play with my hair.)

Officer #2: “When’s your birthday?”

Me: “[Date].”

Officer #2: “How old are you going to be?”

Me: “Milestone birthday.”

Officer #2: “Okay, milestone. So what? 13? 16? 18?”

Me: “What? 25!”

Officer #2: “25!” *talks in radio* “Er, [Officer #1], we kind of need to talk.”

Me: *beginning to realize* “Oh, my God. Look. I can prove it! Here’s my driver’s license. My parents have a ton of photos at home of me in the last five years, and I got my graduate certificate somewhere… Just… who reported it?”

Officer #2: “A cashier. We got a picture of some girl aged eleven to sixteen, hard to tell in that bomber jacket, being taken out by a man in his late twenties, early thirties. Plus, what we found in the shopping bag…”

Me: “Oh, God. I feel soooo bad.”

(My boyfriend is released from the cells soon after. A couple of days later, I turn 25. I have to say, it was the most embarrassing part of remembering how old I really am!)

Related:
Police Work Is Child’s Play

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Fired Up Response

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Working | December 27, 2013

(I have a coworker who flakes on any but the most trivial projects to such an extreme that half the team has refused to work with him. My manager is out on medical leave. The manager from another team stops by my office.)

Other Team’s Manager: “Do you know if [Coworker] is working today?”

(I know he’s really asking if [Coworker] is in the office. But it’s such a perfect straight line, I can’t resist.)

Me: “I never know if [Coworker] is working any day.”

(It turned out that [Coworker] wasn’t in the office, hadn’t told anyone he’d be out, and the manager was trying to find him because he was about to get fired!)

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Hater Waiter

| Dallas, TX, USA | Working | December 27, 2013

(I am the only one in a restaurant rather late in the afternoon. The waiter is very slow, taking my order down wrong.)

Waiter: “So that’s one diet soda, one side of cheesy fries and one chicken burger?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Waiter: “Okay.” *melodramatic sigh* “Ten minutes.”

(When it arrives, he slams the burger down so hard the top half of the bun falls off, he spills my soda, and sniggers at me before going.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Waiter: *not turning* “You got your food so stop complaining.”

Me: “No! You are being extremely aggressive and I don’t know why.”

(I walk up and go to the counter. He immediately gets out a radio.)

Waiter: *in radio* “[Manager], I’ve got a customer here who is complaining about her food when I got it right and is demanding a refund.”

Me: “I didn’t ask for one.”

(To my horror, the waiter knocks napkins and my soda on the floor, throws fries over the table, and sticks my knife in the burger so it stands up. He goes over to the door as the manager arrives.)

Manager: “Okay, [Waiter]. What happened?”

Waiter: “She just pulled a fit. She said I gave her a hamburger when it’s CLEARLY a chicken burger. She swore and spat in my face, and demanded a manager.”

Manager: “Right!” *to me* “You listen here. I will NOT have rudeness, misconduct, and aggression towards my staff! My waiter is a good employee who NEVER does this. I am appalled that people like you take advantage of him. So, what do you say?”

Me: “He started the fuss. Have you got any cameras? You can check.”

(The waiter goes pale as the manager goes back to his office. Soon he comes out and wordlessly snatches the waiter’s nametag.)

Manager: *to me* “Sorry about this. The meal’s free.”

(It turned out, the waiter often played this trick when he was the only one there and there were not many people. At least five groups have been thrown out because of that and two were banned. He’s fired now.)

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In An Email Dominated Society

| Working | December 27, 2013

Committing Family Tree-son

| NJ, USA | Related | December 27, 2013

(We decide to pick out a Christmas tree. My mom is sick and doesn’t really want to do it. My family is being selfish and keeps asking her, so she decides to go.)

Me: “Mom, you don’t have to go. You should get some rest.”

Mom: “No. It’s okay. Let’s go get a tree.”

(We start the drive. It is snowing a lot and is accumulating quickly.)

Mom: “Wow, the car keeps sliding. This is very bad. We shouldn’t have gone out.”

Me: “I told everyone. Mom is sick and it’s horrible outside. We aren’t far from the house. Let’s turn back.”

Grandmother: “No one cares what you said.”

Me: “So, no one cares that I am concerned about the wellbeing and safety of the family?”

Grandmother: “I told you that’s it. NOW SHUT UP!”

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