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The Wrong Butt Of The Joke

| Learning | December 26, 2013

(In my bio psychology class we are discussing a rather unconventional topic that tends to make people just a bit uncomfortable. I should probably mention that the professor is a little crazy.)

Student: “It’s not like everyone has to get all butt-hurt about it. It’s a simple question.”

Professor: “Butt-hurt? What does that even mean? I need to get caught up on the slang you kids use these days.”
Student: “It’s like… taking offense at something?”

Professor: “Well, I don’t know about you and YOUR sphincters, but mine is totally fine right now.”

No ID And No Idea, Part 2

| Working | December 26, 2013

(I purchased my plane tickets before I got married and changed my name. When I go to check in, I accidentally give her my new ID, not my old one. The old ID has my maiden name on it and a hole in it, but has not expired and counts as valid ID. The clerk tells me that I need to show BOTH IDs to the security checkpoint.)

Security: “What’s this?”

Me: “Sorry. I bought the ticket before I was married so it’s under my maiden name. That’s my old ID with my original name on it to match the ticket. It’s still valid until 2019. The other is my new ID. They’re both me and both good. See?”

Security: “I need you to step aside. I have to call this in. You don’t have anything else on you to prove your old and new names do you?”

Me: “Um… I have an old insurance card and my new credit cards? But that license should be enough. It’s still valid ID.”

Security: “That may not work. We need a passport or social security card. I have to page it in.”

(I stand around for 15-20 minutes while he checks other people through. Finally a manager comes over. He takes one look at my ID and then stares at the security person.)

Manager: “This ID doesn’t expire until 2019.”

Security: “Yeah, but now she’s someone else.”

Manager: “Both IDs are valid. She’s fine.”

Security: “But her name is different!”

Manager: *to me* “I’m going to go ahead and put you through now. Sorry about that.”

(As I went through security, I heard him still trying to explain the concept to his employee. Coming back, the airport clerk at the other airport told me only to show my old ID because ‘you’d just confuse security if you show them both.’ Good call!)

 

The High Point Of Black Friday

, , , , | Right | December 26, 2013

(I work in a chocolatier shop. We’ve opened at midnight for our Black Friday sale. My job is to greet shoppers as they come in and offer everyone a sample. By 4:00 am, I’m exhausted from the rush. A customer comes in. He is red-faced and wearing a shirt several sizes too small.)

Customer: “Hey. You know what? I’ve always thought you guys should sell chocolate belly buttons!”

Me: “Um… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You should sell chocolate belly buttons!”

(The customer takes a sample and then leaves. I turn to my manager.)

Me: “What was that?”

Manager: “Oh, he was definitely high. Welcome to Black Friday sales!”


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The Weather Outside Is Frightful And The Customer Is Not Delightful

| Right | December 26, 2013

(I work as a telephonist and talk to huge volumes of customers each day. This particular day there has been a power cut which has knocked out the computer booking system and most of the traffic lights in town. To make things worse, the Christmas market in town is causing total gridlock. I receive a call from an angry caller.)

Caller: “I want to know where my taxi is. It was supposed to be here five minutes ago. This is totally unacceptable.”

Me: “I’m very sorry about the delay, madam. As you may know, there has been a power cut. Our driver has been stuck at an intersection. The traffic lights are down and the main flow of traffic isn’t letting the cross-flow through. This has caused a delay.”

Caller: “Why the h*** didn’t you compensate for this and dispatch it earlier?”

Me: “Once again, Madam, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to predict a power cut. Your car will be there within five minutes.”

Caller: “Well, that doesn’t help me. I’ll ask again. Why did you not take this into consideration and dispatch the car earlier?”

Me: “With all due respect, madam, I could ask you why you didn’t book it earlier if you knew there was going to be a power outage?”

Caller: “How the h*** was I supposed to know there would be a power cut?”

Me: “So you agree that these situations are unforeseen?”

Caller: “I don’t want excuses. I want my taxi. You should have prepared for this and dispatched it earlier. I want your name so I can complain about your attitude.”

Me: “Absolutely, madam. My name is [Name].”

Caller: “And who is your manager?”

Me: “That would be me. I can take your complaint about me now, if you’d like.”

(The caller hangs up. The driver arrives three minutes later and waits outside of her house for five minutes. He calls her phone and even knocks on the door but the customer doesn’t answer. Ten minutes later the caller rings back.)

Caller: “Where the h*** is my god-d*** taxi?!”

Me: “The taxi called for you, madam. Did you not receive a phone call?”

Caller: “Yes. What the h*** has that got to do with anything?”

Me: “That was our driver, letting you know he was outside. Did you hear a knock at the door?”

Caller: “Yes, but I didn’t answer because I was getting ready. Where the h*** is my cab?”

Me: “He has been given another job now, madam. He waited outside for five minutes, called, and knocked. In addition, I told you personally that he would be there within five minutes. Yet you were still getting ready when it arrived.”

Caller: “Well, you’d better get another f****** taxi here right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam. Due to the high volume of bookings, the power cut, and the Christmas market, our next available booking slot is in two hours.”

Caller: *deafening stream of abuse*

Me: “Have a nice evening and Merry Christmas, madam!” *click*


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Kiss-mas Time

| Right | December 26, 2013

(My grandmother has taken me to work. She buys a shirt before leaving. Before she goes she gives me a kiss goodbye. I start ringing up another customer.)

Me: “Okay, that’s $20.”

(The customer hands me the money and leans over counter with his lips puckered.)

Me: “Uh, sir? What are you doing?”

Customer: “The other lady got a kiss. I want one too!”

Me: “That was my grandmother.”

Customer: “So what? I’m good looking! KISS ME!”

(My boss walks over after seeing the whole thing.)

Boss: “You need to go.”

Customer: “Oh come on. Not even for Christmas?”

Boss: “LEAVE!”