(My girlfriend and I have been kissing passionately for the last few minutes. She lays her head on my chest and hugs me in a manner that I recognise as ‘let’s just cuddle.’)
Me: “I recognise that hug!”
Girlfriend: “What? No! I, uh… I wish you could have penetrative cuddling.”
(An employee with samples approaches me.)
Employee: “Miss, would you like to try some [juice brand]?”
Me: *smiling* “No, thank you.”
Employee: “Why not?”
Me: “Well, I brushed my teeth five minutes ago; I don’t think juice would taste very good.”
Employee: *angrily* “Well, you do plan on drinking again at some point today don’t you?”
Me: “Yeah…”
(I start walking away, but the employee starts shouting up the aisle at me.)
Employee: “That’s fine; I respect the customer’s choice!”
(During a student-run creative writing club after school, we start goofing around a little.)
Student: “I totally ship [Name #1] and [Name #2] together!”
Student #2: “I thought shipping was only for fictional characters!?”
Me: “Maybe we are fictional characters!”
Friend: “No breaking the fourth wall!”
Me: “But Team Rocket does it all the time!”
(I work the front desk of a retirement home for a few weeks while they wait for their new hire to arrive. My main duty is to greet the elderly residents, answer questions, and answer the phone. It is Monday morning, and I take a call.)
Me: “Thank you and go-morling; I mean, thank you and good morning for calling [Retirement Village], rel… rem… recreational and visitation… I mean…”
(I make several noises like ‘ha blah bleh’ as I trip over my tongue a few times, before pausing to take a breath.)
Me: “I am so sorry; let me try that again. Good morning, and thank you for calling [Retirement Village], recreation and visitor center; this is [Name]. How can I help you today?”
(The caller has been laughing loudly on the other end of the phone since my first few mistakes, and takes a few deep breathes to try and calm down enough to respond.)
Caller: “Oh my God, that is the funniest thing I have ever heard! You got a bad case of the Mondays this morning, didn’t you?”
Me: “I am so sorry about that, I am usually much better than that! I really do have a case of the Mondays today! My tongue seems to be having a mind of its own, and tripping over itself!”
Caller: “Oh it is quite alright; I really needed that laugh! Be glad that it was an internal call, and not someone who was a prospective customer!”
This story is part of our Nursing Home Worker roundup!
(Both my sister and I are a bit old to believe in the Easter bunny, but because it’s tradition and I never outright said I don’t believe, my older sister and I still like our mom to hide Easter candy for us. It is nearly Easter, and we are at the pharmacy store when we see a display of Easter things. My mom knows we don’t really believe it, but doesn’t want to deal with it this year.)
Me: “Is the Easter bunny coming this year?”
Mom: “Oh… you still want the Easter bunny to come?”
Me: “Well, yeah! Its tradition and we have fun. If you want, I can wait outside while you pay for the stuff and ‘call the Easter bunny and remind him to come.'”
Mom: “When will you guys grow up?” *sighs* “Fine, I’ll call the rabbit later.”
(The Easter bunny came that year.)
